Phoenix

I don’t know why I agreed, but I did.  Colin held my hand tightly, excitedly, leading me from the gravel driveway, past a number of parked cars, and out to a darkened beach alive with people.  Walking down the narrow trail between mounds of beach grass in flip flops I smiled and mirrored the excitement of my companions on the outside, yet within I was filled with trepidation.  There was a low mumble of voices from the groups of people around me, shadowy figures sitting or milling about.  I looked down and focused on the sand. 

Warmed by a day in the blistering July sun, it surrounded my feet as the cool, moist evening air rushed off the ocean to whip up my skirt and toss my hair into a frenzy.  We walked for a short while to meet the family.  I exchanged hellos and introductions with his parents, his older sister, and her family.  Their familiarity was comforting, and distracting, thankfully.  I did not want to ruminate on the images of flashing dark skies and loud explosions from my youth playing through my head. The little ones of our group rushed ahead to play footsies with the lapping waves as the rest settled in on a little patch of beach. 

“I really hope you like it.  They say this light show is the best in the state.”  Colin encouraged.  “My family has been coming here since I was Katie’s age.  I never miss it.”  I nodded, looking at his niece, a cute toddler splashing at the water’s edge.

“I am glad to be here, and to meet your family here.  I just don’t like loud noises.”  I said, laughing nervously.  My eyes followed the long dark silhouette of the tall wooden pier that jutted out into the water where it terminated in a peaked house, the legs solid in the shimmering, moving water.  So familiar; it reminded me of the houses of my childhood. Yet so different. 

“Don’t worry, dear.  I hate loud noises, too.”  Colin’s mom said sweetly.  Marina was slightly rotund, jovial woman with a sparkle in her eyes and dimples that belonged on a baby.  “They launch the fireworks off a barge way over yonder.  It isn’t too loud by the time it gets to us.” She soothed, settling down on a beach chair. 

“The first time Colin saw this, he nearly jumped out of his skin.”  Colin’s dad, Alec, chided, passing a cold can of something bubbly to his son.  “I thought he was going to wet his pants.  But he ended up enjoying it and cried when it was over,” the tall, strong shouldered man continued. 

“When was that honey, last year?”  His sister joked, sending the group behind us into howls at my boyfriend’s expense. 

Colin smirked and gave his dad a shove, which sent Alec guffawing off around the woolen beach blanket, finally plopping down unceremoniously next to his wife.  Marina gave him a playful tap.  I giggled at the good natured jeering.  Colin motioned for me to sit in a gentlemanly fashion before he settled down next to me. 

“He’s been waiting forever to embarrass me with that story.” He said, shooting a sideways glance at his dad.  Colin’s face bore his mother’s dimples, and matched with his father’s striking blue eyes, he was both intense, yet disarming.  We sat quietly for a few minutes as the family exchanged news of the day.  Numbing, gentle banter; I enjoyed simply overhearing it, not being a part of it all.  I looked out over the water. 

Unfortunately, fearful images pushed its way into my head as I gazed at the grassy inlet next to us.  It brought me back to when I was a child shivering in the reeds as my family’s house burned.  I tightened up with a start; Colin felt it.

“You OK?”  Colin whispered quietly in my ear.

“Just a bit of a chill,” I replied, rubbing my arms.  His jacket ended up on my shoulders in short measure.  I should have expected that. 

“Maybe a little walk will warm you up?” he said.  I nodded.  A walk would be good.  The panic was welling up within me with a force I did not expect.  Distraction is good.  What did I expect?  That I would enjoy fireworks when thunder and lightning secretly sent me cowering into closets for years?

We were reminded that the fireworks would start in fifteen minutes as we set off.  We walked hand in hand quietly along the waters edge, my flip flops now swinging freely from my hand.  The wet sand insinuated itself between my toes, tickling me.

The silence was fine since I was very active within my own head.  I went over the way I would break my story to Colin, when I was ready.  He would be the first to hear about what I had kept secret all these years, I think.  All he knew was I was an orphan. 

What he did not know was that I was a war orphan.  Some people who hated us waged war on us.  We were different than they were, that was reason enough to hate.  To this day, I did not know the details.  I saw the hate as a campaign that rained mortars and shells down upon our homes.  I was about seven when the silence was shattered that night.

I was pulled out of bed and was pushed out the back door by my mother as my father confronted the men who broke through the front.  Mother was heavy with child; she could not follow me. 

“Run and hide!”  My mother screamed.  I never heard her again. I ran with everything my body could muster, in the dark as all the little peaked houses around me erupted into flame.  I ran hard, from the village into the swamp.  I stooped low in the muck not uttering a sound, barely moving. 

The shells burst bright, louder and louder, shaking my chest every time.  I wanted to scream but I was too scared.  I thought they would never end.  When I looked up towards the village all I saw was flame.  Then it became quiet, except for shouts of men and screams.  Then that even disappeared as the daylight emerged.  I inched my way back but I could not go near it.  Everything was black, charred white, or dripping crimson. Eyes practically blind by the sight, disoriented and weak, numb with grief and shock, I ran to the main road and walked until I could walk no more.  I told by the workers who found me stumbling along that I was the sole survivor from my village.

“You are very quiet.”  Colin said.  We had reached the pier; I had not even noticed that we had stopped. 

“Sorry.” Is all that I could muster.  Being dragged from the depths of my thoughts to the here and now left me dumfounded.  He shifted around uncomfortably. 

“Look, if this is difficult for you, we could go.  I…” he looked down to his feet. “I thought that you wanted to meet my folks.  If this is too much…”

“Stop, please.”  I said.  He was quiet as I paused for a second to collect my thoughts.  I held his hand tightly and led him up on to the pier. He must be so confused.

“It has little to do with your family.” I said.  “It has to do with…” I swallowed hard. “Bombs.  I was just a kid…”  I could talk no more. A lump filled my throat. 

“I’m sorry, I had no idea.” He stammered.  Colin’s eyes blinked with confusion and he shook his head.  “I would never have brought you here.”  He ran to the edge of the pier and looked out towards the sea.  He rushed back towards me.

“Look, we have to go then.  The barge is in position; the show is about to start.  It is about to get loud.”  He pulled me along.  I rushed along with him for a few steps then I stopped. 

“No.” I said.  I had come too far.  It had been too long. 

In my home country, I lived for a short while in an orphanage and was sent to another facility in the states.  I was an older child so I never was adopted.  My American caretakers were kind, though.  I never told them what happened and they never pushed to find out why.  They did what they could to comfort me when I woke up screaming from nightmares, and cowered from the loud electrical storms.  The years passed, and I worked hard to lose the accent I had.  I learned rapidly and did well in school, then went to college.  I wanted to forget where I came from, and why.  Yet through the years the fears still haunted me.  Then I met Colin.  Will these feelings stay with me and ruin even this, most pleasant occasion?  It was my choice.  My life. 

“Its fine, we can go.  I’ll explain it to my family later.”  He said.  “Come on.”  He pulled me again. 

“No.  I need to stay here.  Just help me.”  I said, rushing ahead of him.  We walked back at a brisk pace.

“Are you sure?” He questioned along the way.  I nodded. 

Most of the people on the beach were standing by the time we arrived at the water’s edge. You could feel the excitement like electricity in the air. 

“Oh good, you made it.”  Alec said.  Little Katie was jumping up and down, her eyes bright with expectation.  I wish I could have felt the same.  Colin wrapped his arms around me.

“How can I help?” He whispered.  “Want me to cover your ears?” 

“No, just do what you are doing.”  I said.  My heart was pounding.

THUNK.  The dull sound of the shell being fired off the barge echoed across the beach. Everyone’s eyes turned to the sky.  I saw it; a little light with a trail of smoke meandering up into the night.  Then it exploded into hundreds of little lights, twinkling.

BOOM.  A second later, the sound hit us and my knees went weak.  The arms surrounding me tightened.  I shook. 

THUNK. THUNK.  Two more streaks, different colors exploding into the night.  BOOM. BOOM.  It took every bit of will within me not to run.  I gripped the arm in front of me tightly.  I kept my eyes open towards the sky. 

For the first five minutes, I think he held me up, until I found the strength in my legs again.  Even with my eyes closed I saw the streaks of lights and colors.  The sounds rang in my ears.  Slowly, the apprehension melted away from me.  The shaking stopped.  I looked around at the smiling faces as the heavenly lights lit them up. “OOhs” and “Ahhs” surrounded us.  The night sky came alive with streaks of color and light.  Swirls and ribbons of light flew around; whistling rockets went this way and that.

It went on for what felt like forever; then, after a short pause a rain of sputtering light surrounded the barge and rose higher and higher.  More and more rockets blasted, higher and higher the lights flew, exploded and rained down around on the dark sea.  Louder and louder, brighter and brighter the finale crescendo finally peaked with a loud bangs that must have echoed for miles.  The crowd erupted in cheers and claps, whistles and hollers. Colin spun me around, smiling at my smile.  I hugged and kissed him. 

My first fireworks had been amazing; I was a muddled combination of delayed excitement and relief.  I had actually enjoyed it.  It was over, and I so were my fears, I hoped. Long ago felt far away, finally.  So, this is what freedom feels like. 

Hours later, we plodded along the beach back to the car arm in arm. Finally, I cried tears of release and  joy.

“My little Phoenix.” Colin whispered. 

Words: 1998