Imaginary

IMAGINARY
Word Count: 1,558 words...

         The laughter and comfort which once resided within this castle, I could hear them still, from time to time. Whenever I look at her big portrait hanging on the wall above the grand staircase, I remember her gentle voice and kind eyes. The screams of delight as she would chase after me, calling herself ‘the tickle monster’, was a memory that made me smile. My father would watch us, his eyes filled with love. Then, he would gather me in his arms calling me his princess and my mother his lovely queen.

         Those memories are nothing now but a distant dream… a beautiful family tainted by death… or perhaps, by the demon who disguised himself as ‘that man’.

I linger in the doorway
of alarm clock screaming monsters
calling my name

         A few days before my mother passed away, I remember hearing her and father arguing inside our study. I moved closer and peeked through the partially open door. I might be young but I was certainly not stupid. I knew what the fight was about and it wasn't the first time it had happened. My father was having an affair with a younger, more attractive woman... Although, this time it seemed to affect my mother more than the others had. I would never forget the words that came out of her mouth. It was the first time I ever heard my mother talk like that.

         "How dare you, Thomas?! You promised me you would stop this already. You swore to me, at least for Christy's sake. How could you?!" My mom was hysterical and was hitting daddy with all she had. I had never seen her this mad before. I somehow had this uneasy feeling inside that there was more to this than just a plain affair...

"Aurora, you knew from the very start that I didn't love you. I've always loved Aubrey... I'm sorry. But what Christy doesn't know won't hurt her. So don't even think of telling her about this!"

         I couldn't believe it. Aunt Aubrey was the other woman. She was the reason my mom was suffering greatly. I knew how much mom loved daddy... and it always looked to me that daddy loved mom back. Was I wrong? Was my family not whole from the very beginning?

         The day she died, I couldn't stop crying, not even as I slept through the night, unable to hear her lullaby. I recall locking myself in my room that whole day and refusing to talk to anyone, especially my father. He was to blame for all this. If he hadn't hurt my beloved mother so much that it broke her apart, she wouldn't have killed herself...

Let me stay
where the wind will whisper to me
where the raindrops as they're falling
tell a story

         Surprisingly, after her death my father became very sad. I was puzzled by this. I thought he hadn't love mom...? I thought he would be happy and marry Aunt Aubrey right away. It was his chance. But it seemed he didn't want it as much as I thought he did. Did he realize his mistake only when she was already out of his reach forever?

         The days passed by quickly and my grieving father was back to his normal self. But something had definitely changed about him. I would see more of him in the house and around me. He would appear out of nowhere, smiling that strange smile of his and looking at me with a certain feeling in his eyes that I couldn’t understand.

         "Christy, sweetie, you know, you look a lot like your mom when she was your age." He would tell me out of the blue and I would do nothing but smile. I was twelve and I didn’t know anything… I didn't understand the second meaning behind his words. I didn’t know that the demon was here and approaching at unbelievable speed…

         A month after her goodbye, my birthday came and it was something I didn’t look forward to celebrating. But my father insisted on going out of town, just the two of us. I couldn’t say no because he suddenly looked so tired. It seemed to me the trip was more for him than for me. Still, I agreed. It was just him and I, now that mother was gone. We clearly needed to patch things up together as father and daughter.

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me...

         We had been shopping for clothes just this afternoon. He had told me he wanted me to dress up for my birthday dinner. He had said we were going somewhere fancy and I had been delighted. The restaurant had been cozy, almost romantic but I hadn’t questioned my father’s choice. Still, other people’s stares had been distracting, degrading even. He had decided what I should wear and I had looked more mature in it. Instead of a thirteen-year-old, I had looked more like sixteen. My father had been extra sweet and attentive but it had made me feel awkward and creeped out by his gesture.

         “Ha, ha, ha… Mo… M-mommy… H-help me…” I was out of breath from all the running. But I must not stop, that was an order my head was telling me. I need to get away, away from that monster! I didn’t understand. Why? Why was this happening? Something was seriously wrong with my father.

Don't say I'm out of touch
With this rampant chaos, your reality
I know well what lies beyond
my sleeping refuge
The nightmare I built my own world to escape

         “Christy, sweetie, where are you? Daddy just wants to talk and spend time with you, dear. Come out; come out, wherever you are.”

         I swallowed my cries as I heard his voice getting nearer. The hotel room he had chosen for us to stay in was big and spacious but there were no good places to hide in. I found myself hiding under the hotel bed, hoping he would just go and leave me alone…

         After a few more minutes of calling out to me, he seemed to have given up. I heard his footsteps going away, until there was only silence. I sighed with relief and decided to come out of my hiding place. But it was a wrong move…

Swallowed up in the sound
of my screaming
Cannot cease for the fear
of silent nights

         He was there waiting for me, a sadistic and dirty gleam in his eyes. I paled, shivers running down my spine as I prepared to run. But he blocked my way and wrapped his arms around me. I tried to push him away but he was too big and strong for me to do anything. As he forced his kiss on me, I felt the tears I’ve been holding in pour down my cheeks like rain. I tried and tried to get away from his firm hold, but it was useless… He dragged me and threw me on top of the bed. A split second of freedom, I took this chance to stand up and go again for the door but this time he became more violent. He pulled my hair and slapped me hard; I ended up falling down again on the bed…

Oh, how I long
for the deep sleep dreaming
The Goddess of imaginary light

         That night… I lost the most precious thing I wanted to remain intact as much as possible ever since she died. I lost my ‘innocence’…

         The one-week dream vacation turned into a haunting nightmare. He repeatedly abused me and would laugh every time I cried. I wished and hoped each day that I would just die. I knew I could try to commit suicide… But I knew my mother wouldn’t want that for me.

         I thought the abuse would stop after we went back to the house. But I should have known he was no longer the same man who was there for me and who had held me with care when I was younger, instead of lust like now.

         Every night he would go inside my room and cover my mouth to prevent me from screaming. As he whispered threats into my ear, my whole body would freeze ‘cause of fear. Then, he would proceed to do what he always did…

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me...

         Usually, girls who are treated this way end up in a depressed, hopeless state. But not me. Never! I know I was stronger than that. Somehow, I will find an opening and get myself out of this mess… But for now, since I am nothing more than powerless, I will lock myself up like I did the day she died. The only difference this time is that I will not lock up myself because of sadness. This time, I will create my own alternate reality to escape to and in it I will become stronger than I am now. Then, someday, I swear I will make him pay for everything!

July Contest Entry: "a very Wodehouse challenge" 
Song Title / Lyrics: Imaginary
Singer / Band: Evanescence
Link to Video / Music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YiHXrHW7GVc