Lesson 8/Discussion 8 - Brandy

Assignment
Read each of the sentences below and look for the redundancy. Copy and paste them onto another page and then remove the redundancy from the sentence.
When turning in your assignment, make sure we have the example sentences and your listed  modified sentences also, so we can compare them.


1.  The thief returned back to the scene of the crime.
The thief returned to the scene of the crime.

2.  The large giant was sleeping.
The giant was sleeping.

3.  The cold ice kept the drink cold.
The ice kept the drink cold.

4.  He passed his English class by a slender, narrow margin.
He passed his English class by a slender margin.

5.  The final outcome of the study will help explain various different links between the three separate factors of 
    heart disease, age, and physical activity. 
The outcome of the study will explain links between the factors of heart disease, age, and physical activity. 

6.  My nephew was suspended from school because of his behavior and conduct in class.
My nephew was suspended because of his conduct.

7.  Nancy is wearing a blue colored dress that looks smaller in size than it should.
Nancy is wearing a blue dress that appears smaller than it should.

8.  Insofar as learning to play a musical instrument is concerned, the piano, in my personal opinion, would be in
    the category of the kind that is difficult to learn to play.
The piano, in my opinion, would be difficult to learn to play.

9.  It is a fact that there are many individuals who do not vote in elections.
There are many individuals who do not vote.

10.  The judge, who is a known expert in the field of labour discussions, recommended that each chairman of both
      sides meet with him tomorrow morning at 10am.
The judge, an expert in labour discussions, recommended that each chairman meet with him at 10 in the morning.

11.  Although they were few in number, the early settlers who came to America brought with them strong and
      loyal religious faith and beliefs.
The early settlers who came to America brought strong religious beliefs.

12.  The average worker who works in a surrounding environment that contains poisonous pollutants sometimes
      dies of a mortal illness connected with the pollutants.
The average person who works in a polluted environment sometimes dies of an illness connected with the pollutants.

13.  He has a wide nose and a large head. He had a thick chest and stick legs. He was a big kid.
He has a wide nose, large head, thick chest and stick legs.

14.  "Hey Jimmy, hurry up! Linda shouted. "It's almost 2 pm, in the afternoon, and we have a lot of work to do."
"Hey Jimmy, hurry up!  It's almost 2 in the afternoon, and we have work to do."

15.  The big, large book was eaten by the ugly, disgusting monster.
The disgusting monster fed on the book.

16.  The dog danced on its hind legs in a round circle and I thought it was a very unique trick.
The dog danced in circles on its hind legs.  I thought it was a unique trick.

17.  After listening to the lecture Dan had a complete and total understanding of the subject.
After listening to the lecture Dan understood the subject.

18.  Our teacher put us in groups and told us to cooperate together on the project.
Our teacher put us in groups and told us to cooperate on the project.

19.  Then our teacher told us that it was extremely crucial to finish the project by the deadline.
Then our teacher told us that it was crucial to meet the deadline.

20.  The group I'm in met in the Library to come up with a plan and scheme for the project.
My group met in the Library to plan our project.

21.  In the event that a large-scale disaster such as a hurricane or earthquake occurred, the possibility exists that
      even large hospitals could be overwhelmed.
If a large-scale disaster occurred, even large hospitals could be overwhelmed.

22.  Caught in a lie, Sam dropped down his head  in shame.
Caught in a lie, Sam bowed his head in shame.

23.  One of my most trusted and respected personal friends who lives in the city of London at the moment is   
      considering moving to Ireland because he has been offered a position in that area.
One of my closest friends who lives in London is considering a move because he was offered a job in Ireland.

24.  "Hey!" Tommy exclaimed.
"Hey!" Tommy said.

25.  My favorite part of the movie was when the building suddenly exploded.
My favorite part was when the building exploded.

27.  Jenny and Rick skated across the frozen ice holding hands together.
Jenny and Rick skated across the ice holding hands.

28.  Mr. Jones commutes by train back and forth to the city during the week.
During the week, Mr. Jones commutes to the city by train.

29.  Lisa smiled and raised up from the chair.
Lisa smiled and stood up.

30.  Joey ordered the parts and components for his car from Ebay.
Joey ordered the parts for his car from Ebay.




Discussion Topic
Can I see a show of hands? There is only the one assignment this week!
Why? Because once you learn to recognize redundancy in your work, you will be appalled by it!
I've enclosed 3 links below. They are all worth saving. For this Discussion please read the first link and then consider these questions.

1. Is this the first time you've heard of redundancy in writing?
This might have been the biggest eye opener in the course.  I don't remember reading it as a specific topic and it the links were wonderful.  I will keep them close to my computer for reference.   

2. Isn't it interesting that some phrases that are labeled redundant are part of our everyday language?
I just caught myself in a redundant phrase on question one.  (almost said close proximity and remember the extra link info.  Wow, great topic for the last lesson.  I wonder now how much I use redundancy in my speech (ie day to day speech, not "a speech" where it's more likely to be tolerated).   

3. Do you see how eliminating redundancy goes hand in hand with concrete words and writing tight? Writing tight, meaning, leave out all the flowery rhetoric that your readers will skip anyway.
I do hope you walk away from this class armed with more writing techniques than you came with.
  I was thrilled to read tip number three in the "Writerisms and other Sins" link.  It suggested avoiding too many flowery words and balancing common verbs or adverbs with the creative ones so the writing flows better.  This is my biggest challenge in my own writing-not so much the flowery words but the need to tighten and avoid overtelling or restating as if the reader is an idiot or I'm speaking English as a second language.     


To our fearless leaders, thanks for the wonderful tips and thorough grading and suggestions you have offered.  The lessons will continue to effect my writing and reviewing.

To the rest of you, I've enjoyed being in class with you guys. 

Hope to see you in the next one in the Fall.

Brandy 















ENTIRE LESSON-SEE BELOW

Readers love details, as long as they are interesting, authentic, and colorful......You don't need to tell us every detail.
Pick a few and the reader will supply the rest from his imagination
~~  according to Janet Evanovich in "How I Write"


Am I a Redundant teacher?
It seems as though I'm always repeating:
  Incorporate sensory details in your writing
  Show us don't tell us
  Become your character
  Let your character do the talking,
and leave your explaining voice out of the story
  Then I slashed the adjectives and the pesky adverbs you thought sounded great
  And suggested you find stronger verbs and nouns
  I told you to make it less abstract and more concrete/specific....sigh

  What a pain I am!
Perhaps this is a concept we should address.   
You did not sign up for this class to show everyone how polished
your writing already is.
  You signed up for this class because you realized
we all can improve in the craft.


  In this class you've been told to focus on detail
and let the sensory material flow. Many of you never considered the
sensory aspect
and learned how adding this element strengthens your work.
I led you down a contradictory road, a path you may not have expected
and thought more than once about jumping off.
But you stayed the course.
Now I have one last element of writing to explain and caution you about in your writing.
If you have the heart and any dignity left, read on 
~~  Me


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Have you ever heard of the term Redundant in reference to your writing?

What is redundancy?  According to the dictionary it is repetition.
  In our writing it appears as unnecessary and/or Repeated words or phrases, that add nothing to the story.
  In fiction and non-fiction it is also defined as unnecessary over-telling and/or repetition of the same words in a paragraph/story or even worse, over explaining [telling again].

  Do you remember reading any of the following lines in at least one of the lessons?
Trust the reader!  or  Let them figure out what the character looks like  or  don't over-tell  or  don't give it ALL upfront....or  balance the telling.

``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
Vigorous writing is concise.
A sentence should contain no unnecessary words,
a paragraph no unnecessary sentences,
for the same reason that a drawing
should have no unnecessary lines
and a machine no unnecessary parts.
This requires not that the writer
make all his sentences short,
or that he avoid all detail and
treat his subjects only in outline,
but that every word tell 
— William Strunk Jr. in Elements of Style
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I once wrote a wonderful story about a girl hiding from a monster in a closet. I was in a college writing class, and we were expected to stand up and read our work out loud. I was proud of my work and excited to share. I had edited it to the best of my ability and was sure it was perfect. Well, it wasn't. I repeated the word shoes  3 times in one short paragraph.
Only one guy noticed it, but as soon as he said it, everyone saw it, and my perfect story was forever tainted. Everyone else in the class started looking for other issues they may have missed....That night I learned what redundancy is and how it assaults the reader, and pulls them out of story. I never forgot.
Let me share what I learned with you so you may learn to notice redundancy in your work and strike it out before others tell you about it, and miss how great your story really is!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some things don't need describing.
Never state what's implied.
And don't imply what's stated, either  ~~  Peter Selgin

One of the common mistakes I notice many writers make and miss in the editing process is redundancy. 
In order to understand the term let's look at some examples of redundant writing and then explain why it is unnecessary.
  We will start with dialogue and the tags writers attach that are redundant.

"I told you to get out!" Jimmy shouted.
The dialogue tag is redundant because the exclamation point is telling us that Jimmy is shouting, at the very least yelling.

"Well, here I am, on my day off, at home..." he let the sentence hang.
Again, the ellipses tell us he let the sentence hang.

"Oh God." The words escaped John's lips.
We already know the words escaped because they are in quotation marks, designating them as spoken by John

"You would think they recognized it." Gene mused out loud.
Once again, out loud is redundant because we know he said it and didn't think it.

Wake up, bitch! Get up and get me something to eat. Right now! I’m hungry.” My drunken husband stood over the bed and snarled.
Is it necessary to include the word snarled in this sentence? I label it redundant because the tone and attitude is in the dilogue, and when the author adds snarled, she is over-telling..it sounds like the speaker is acting out an actual snarling sound, like a growl...not speaking in one.

  The examples above are common and undetectable to the novice writer, but feel assured a good editor would catch everyone! 
  You may wish to argue the point of redundancy in your writing, but remember you're writing to be read, and too many errors in your work distracts the reader.

Dialogue tags should be as invisible as possible.
They should not explain something the reader already knows.
They should not describe what the speaker is attempting to do by saying the words
(the reader knows what the speaker is trying to do from the words that are spoken).
All such explanation is redundant. Tags should not be distracting in any way  ~~ Donna Fleisher


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Redundancy is an issue for every writer. Repeating yourself over and over, if not done on purpose, happens when the writer isn't sure they got the point across to the reader and thinks they need to explain further. Many writers aren't certain exactly how (and when) they want to convey a particular idea or fact, and they wind up repeating it several different times in different ways. The goal is to learn to recognize and edit the unnecessary or repetitive words and over explaining from your writing.

  Even famous authors like Stephen King, Anne Rice and Dean Koontz battle redundancy! Sometimes on purpose and sometimes because they can't help themselves.
  But as novice writers we can't take the chance in our work.
  Yes, rules are made to be broken, and the famous novelists can and do, but if you want the strongest chance for getting noticed for the story and not your mistakes, then do your very best to exterminate redundancy from your best work.
  Redundant words are not a grammatical error so much as a stylistic one.  Choices which are unnecessarily wordy should be avoided. Your sentences should be succinct without sacrificing their meaning and correct grammar.

Now, lets look at examples of redundant words and phrases.
Our most memorable trip was unforgettable.
Do you see how the words memorable and unforgettable are saying the same thing in this sentence?

The underlying motive behind his kind words was so that he could borrow money from me.
Do you see how underlying and behind mean the same thing?
Better: The underlying motive for his kind words was to borrow money from me.
Better: The motive behind his kind words was to borrow money from me.

The slowly moving train crawled along the tracks.
In this sentence slowly is synonymous with crawled, therefore given the option of removing either the adverb [slowly], or the strong verb [crawled], I suggest striking out the adverb.
Better: The train crawled along the tracks.

"You are worthless as a husband. You are worthless as a provider for this family and you sure don’t take a hand in anything that goes on around this house,” she spat at him before she huffed to the kitchen. My father looked up at me with the tiniest of smiles which told me he was glad I was home. I had become a good reader of body language during my 16 years in this house. My mother talked…make that screamed….. too much and my father said too little.
In the passage above the writer did a nice job of showing us how quiet her father was and how her mother yelled all the time. So the last sentence is redundant because she is over-telling.
My mother talked…make that screamed….. too much and my father said too little
If we took it out of the paragraph we wouldn't miss it....see?

Betsy froze. George Smith was a regular at her old restaurant before she transferred here. He was a very opinionated guy, to be sure… but not so obnoxious to cause anyone to kill him. He had a good side. After the restaurant was robbed George showed up every morning, before opening time, to escort her into the empty business. Their friendship grew during that month and she saw him for the lonely  but caring man under the complaining exterior -- But that was 300 miles ago! It couldn’t have been him! Was he looking for her here? What was he doing dead in her dumpster? What was going on? George was dead? Betsy's mind was racing.
In the bolded sentence above can you see why it's redundant? The author is showing us that Betsy's mind is racing and reeling from thought to thought. So the last sentence is over-telling us something we as readers already know.


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The test for including a detail is relevance  ~~  Stephen Roxburgh

For another example of redundancy in writing, imagine that you're describing one of your characters. It might read:
Judy was one of the most popular students at Oakland County High School. Her peers admired her sense of humor and her ability to get along with everyone.
Then you decide you want to drive this point home, so you add on the next page:
A favorite among the student body, Judy...
This comes from writer's insecurity and you must realize that repeating yourself needlessly is insulting to your readers.


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  I mentioned an instance of how I first recognized redundancy in my writing.
I still write long wordy sentences filled with unnecessary words, but I'm better at recognizing and editing it out later.
Below is one more example of redundancy which many of us practice without realizing it.

Joseph stood by the car, his arms crossed in defiance. Cindy walked over to stand beside him. She placed a gentle hand on his arm. Her presence went unnoticed. Ralph glared at them from where he stood by the door.

Almost every sentence in the example above uses a variation of the word stand. This makes for a very boring and redundant description. So if we apply what we've learned in this class about incorporating strong and concrete words we can bring this sentence alive and break up the redundancy at the same time.

Joseph leaned against the car, his arms crossed in defiance. Cindy walked to his side and laid a gentle hand upon his arm. Her presence went unnoticed. Ralph glared at them from the doorway. He shifted his weight from foot to foot, anticipating a fight.

  Now the reader has a better idea of what is happening in the scene from the exchanged wording.
Cindy is still standing beside Joseph in order to lay her hand on his arm, but the obvious statement to stand beside him does not have to be stated.
Ralph is no longer standing like a statue in the doorway, he's moving and showing his anxiousness with the situation he's watching.
  So when you are editing your work train your brain to notice paragraphs with the same word usage over and over, even if it's in another form of the same word.

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Superfluous Words

Superfluous words are another form of redundancy or unnecessary words. In the following sentences, note that the superfluous sentence has an ellipsis in orange. An ellipsis is a word or phrase which can be omitted because it is clearly implied.

Superfluous: The hotter the weather is, the more crowded the ice cream stand is.
Concise: The hotter the weather, the more crowded the ice cream stand.

Superfluous: He looks exactly like his Uncle looks.
Concise: He looks exactly like his Uncle.

Take a look at the superfluous prepositions in these sentences.

Superfluous: The students couldn’t help from laughing at the boy tripping over his feet.
Concise: The students couldn’t help laughing at the boy tripping over his feet.

Superfluous: My brother threw half of a loaf of bread at my head.
Concise: My brother threw half a loaf of bread at my head.

Is the concept of redundancy beginning to make sense?
 

                                                           



When do you fix the REPEAT problem?

Some writers can keep these issues in mind while they're writing. They find it easier to keep an eye on their trouble spots while they're in the first draft stage.
Others prefer to wait until the story is written and then go back over it, correcting their mistakes.
  It's a highly personal decision. If you need to let your muse run and write the story quickly so you don't forget anything, then by all means do so.
Just don't forget to go back over it with your own particular weaknesses in mind.

Once you've edited out all the unnecessary verbiage, adverbs, and fixed the repetitive wording in your work it is a good idea to ask someone else to review your work.
Someone that understands what to look for in an edit.
Now that you've made it this far in the class don't you think your editing skills have strengthened?


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Now that I've told you how awful Redundancy is
Let me impart when it's acceptable in our writing!

Repetition Used Well

  One instance of a repeated theme, using repeat characters and situations, and done extremely well comes from the movie Groundhog Day.
The movie's strength comes from having a situation set up where the audience expects each day to repeat in an endless loop. The fun rests in watching Bill Murray try to make each day different than the last. In other words, he's actively trying to break the repetitive cycle.
Even in a film about repetition, the author made good use of creating new and interesting ways of breaking the monotony (and the predictability), so that even the repeated events always had a twist to the outcome.

Skilled writers use purposeful redundancies to make a point in their writing.
I referred to this earlier when speaking of how famous authors use it in their work
Some examples of acceptable redundancy in fiction and non-fiction are listed below.

Anaphora: The repetition of leading words for emphasis
Sample: Scrooge was his sole executor, his sole administrator, his sole assignment, his sole residuary legatee, his sole friend and sole mourner. Charles Dickens

Epistrophe: Same as above only using word/words/phrases at the end of the sentence.
Sample of both of the definitions above:
I do my best to never frequent the big warehouse stores on Saturday or Sunday mornings. I have come to realize that when I have been there on either day, I spend more time navigating my buggy around the grazing herds than I do shopping. The clans spend more time stopping every ten feet to sample the free hot snacks and chat with the little old lady servers, than they do shopping. I spend more time repeating, “Excuse me … excuse me, can I get by?” as I bump, bang, and push through the crowds. They spend more time strolling and socializing, as though they’re all meeting for a lunch date, oblivious to their over-flowing carts obstructing the aisles, than they do shopping. I spend my time  wondering ‘why’ I’m even here, because I’m not getting any shopping done. ~~  Me

Antimetabole: Repetition of the identical word or phrase in reverse grammatical order.
Sample When the going gets tough, the tough get going.

You may recognize examples of the acceptable and well regarded redundant aspects listed above in many famous speeches written and orated by Martin Luther King, John Kennedy and in our present day, by Barack Obama.
So while redundancy is not well regarded by editors reviewing for publication, a well placed example like the ones above have been published and memorized by many.
Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country. Sound familiar?

                                                           



Details give your work texture, depth, and credibility....
When you edit, remove random details.
Significant details are the ones that describe more than what is visual.
Choose the detail that has an echo behind it.
Your obligation...is to carefully select details that both mean the most and are the most authentic  ~~  Susan Bell

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Assignment
Read each of the sentences below and look for the redundancy. Copy and paste them onto another page and then remove the redundancy from the sentence.
When turning in your assignment, make sure we have the example sentences and your listed  modified sentences also, so we can compare them.

1.  The thief returned back to the scene of the crime.
2.  The large giant was sleeping.
3.  The cold ice kept the drink cold.
4.  He passed his english class by a slender, narrow margin.
5.  The final outcome of the study will help explain various different links between the three separate factors of heart disease, age, and physical activity. 
6.  My nephew was suspended from school because of his behavior and conduct in class.
7.  Nancy is wearing a blue colored dress that looks smaller in size than it should.
8.  Insofar as learning to play a musical instrument is concerned, the piano, in my personal opinion, would be in the category of the kind that is difficult to learn to play.
9.  It is a fact that there are many individuals who do not vote in elections.
10.  The judge, who is a known expert in the field of labour discussions, recommended that each chairman of both sides meet with him tomorrow morning at 10am.
11.  Although they were few in number, the early settlers who came to America brought with them strong and loyal religious faith and beliefs.
12.  The average worker who works in a surrounding environment that contains poisonous pollutants sometimes dies of a mortal illness connected with the pollutants.
13.  He has a wide nose and a large head. He had a thick chest and stick legs. He was a big kid.
14.  "Hey Jimmy, hurry up! Linda shouted. "It's almost 2 pm, in the afternoon, and we have a lot of work to do."
15.  The big, large book was eaten by the ugly, disgusting monster
16.  The dog danced on its hind legs in a round circle and I thought it was a very unique trick.
17.  After listening to the lecture Dan had a complete and total understanding of the subject.
18.  Our teacher put us in groups and told us to cooperate together on the project.
19.  Then our teacher told us that it was extremely crucial to finish the project by the deadline.
20.  The group I'm in met in the Library to come up with a plan and scheme for the project.
21.  In the event that a large-scale disaster such as a hurricane or earthquake occurred, the possibility exists that even large hospitals could be overwhelmed.
22.  Caught in a lie, Sam dropped down his head  in shame.
23.  One of my most trusted and respected personal friends who lives in the city of London at the moment is considering moving to Ireland because he has been offered a position in that area.
24.  "Hey!" Tommy exclaimed.
25.  My favorite part of the movie was when the building suddenly exploded.
27.  Jenny and Rick skated across the frozen ice holding hands together.
28.  Mr. Jones commutes by train back and forth to the city during the week.
29.  Lisa smiled and raised up from the chair.
30.  Joey ordered the parts and components for his car from Ebay.

To eliminate redundancy from your writing, it is absolutely necessary that you be honest with yourself. If you are unable to objectively and ruthlessly edit your work, it is doubtful that you will be able to pick out the times when you needlessly repeat yourself. A redundancy can happen when you repeat the same fact twice; it can also happen when you add pointless explanation.

Next time you edit a story or an article, go through your work and circle words and phrases that you tend to use most often. You can also circle descriptions that you've repeated or modifiers that aren't necessary. Then go back to your first draft and eliminate the words or phrases you've circled to clean up the prose.

Discussion Topic
Can I see a show of hands? There is only the one assignment this week!
Why? Because once you learn to recognize redundancy in your work, you will be appalled by it!
I've enclosed 3 links below. They are all worth saving. For this Discussion please read the first link and then consider these questions.
1. Is this the first time you've heard of redundancy in writing?
2. Isn't it interesting that some phrases that are labeled redundant are part of our everyday language?
3. Do you see how eliminating redundancy goes hand in hand with concrete words and writing tight? Writing tight, meaning, leave out all the flowery rhetoric that your readers will skip anyway.
I do hope you walk away from this class armed with more writing techniques than you came with.


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http://home.comcast.net/~garbl/stylemanual/redundant.htm
redundant phrases made stronger

http://users.wirefire.com/tritt/tip4.html
Dialogue tags...

http://www.sfwa.org/writing/chadvce.htm
Advice to save on writing