Whats going on?

What am i doing? Why am i so lost?
To get back up, just to fall.
Rip my heart and crush it to death,
Squeeze the blood until nothing is left.
All this pain, i truly deserve,
Acts,age 11, was unheard.
Confusion.
Yes.
Nothing more.
Ding-Dong, that's death at my door.
One tear and he will know,
a story meant to never be told.
Suppress my thoughts, only for a while,
But its jammed,can't move that dial.
Do i want him? I Dont Know.
What is this, whose my foe?
Me, Myself or I. Choose one of the three.
No matter what it comes down to me.
Run.
No, can't do that.
In too deep, i can't turn back.