Darren

Darren enters his local friendly foul-smelling corner shop

DARREN: (Quietly mumbling): Karen? Karen?

Darren wanders the corner shop until he finds himself at the till.

SANJEEV: Mr Darren. How are you this morning?

DARREN: Sanjeev. I've never felt better. Can you tell me what it feels like?

SANJEEV: You OK Mr Darren? Are you down in the dumps?

DARREN: Y'know, you're the only human that's ever asked me that. Thanks. Your kindness is appreciated.

SANJEEV: What I meant to say was that I have a two for one offer on St Johns Wort.

DARREN: I need some red top milk. Well, I need milk, but I need the red lid more.

SANJEEV: Why?

DARREN: I'm missing a red connect four piece, so... two birds, one stone.

SANJEEV: Will a bottle top fit in the game?

DARREN: With my temper it will. Anger solves all my problems. Apart from the anger problem.

SANJEEV: I have no red top left.

DARREN: Karen wore a red top.

Darren stares around the shop

SANJEEV: Mr Darren. I know you’re going through a rough patch. But I think you've got to try and be more positive.

DARREN: Positive. You mean like the glass isn't half empty, it's just stronger beer and drunk through a straw?

SANJEEV: Yeah. Just forget the bad past.

DARREN: You're right.

SANJEEV: Forget it.

DARREN: Sound advice. And advice I’ll definitely put into practice. Forget the past.

SANJEEV? Guess what?

DARREN: What?

SANJEEV: You're past came in here earlier.

DARREN: Karen?

SANJEEV: Yeah. Forget about her. Forget about her beautiful figure. Her sexy eyes. Those legs. That smile. Her long blonde hair. That tush. The aura of passion she emits. Just forget all those.

DARREN: Well if you can do it... What did she want? Me? Did she want me back? -

SANJEEV: No -

DARREN: Good! Bitch.

SANJEEV: She actually made double sure you wasn't in here before she came in.

DARREN: What did she want then?

SANJEEV: Just a copy of The Mirror.

DARREN: She needs to look in a mirror, she does.

SANJEEV: Why?

DARREN: D'know. Was she with him?

SANJEEV: Clive? No. Karen was alone.

DARREN: Alone? He let her in here alone with people like you behind the counter?

SANJEEV: You used to let her in here alone.

DARREN: That was pre 9/11. Reality is, that could be a bomb in your angry Islamic hands.

SANJEEV: It's a roll of receipts.

DARREN: Let the westerner look.

Darren examines Sanjeevs hands

DARREN: Story checks out. For now. But where the hell was Clive? Where the hell was he? He’s a sick fuck.

SANJEEV: Karen said he was in the car keeping her seat warm with his body heat.

DARREN: I'm glad he's got that crazy bitch and not me. I mean, what kind of control freak bitch makes a man keep her seat warm?

SANJEEV: Karen told me that Clive didn't want her to be the slightest bit cold when she came back into the car seat. It was a romantic gesture.

DARREN: Yet she never thanked me once for warming the bed. And gas is way more effective than body heat, isn't it? All those tins of beans - and for what?

Darren scratches his parasitical beard

DARREN: I think I'll just get my cheap cider and leave whilst I still have my dignity intact.

SANJEEV: Do you want a copy of Amateur Butts with that?

DARREN: And a copy of Hole, if you don't mind. Have you got anything that's a bit more 'my scene'?

SANJEEV: We not allowed to sell anything that's your scene here.

DARREN: Nowhere is.

SANJEEV: How can you drink that awful cheap cider?

DARREN: I'll drink anything. If you bottled up all the worlds problems, I'd probably end up drinking that. Sometimes it feels like that's exactly what's happened.

SANJEEV: That's three pounds please. Did you realise that when you came in the shop you were calling out for Karen?

DARREN: I was doing that again?

SANJEEV: Yeah.

DARREN: I don't know why I do that. I'm over her. Bye!

SANJEEV: Bye!

DARREN: Seeing double halves the pain.

Darren and Sanjeev exchange a long stare

DARREN: Do you fancy coming round later for connect four?

SANJEEV: No.

DARREN: OK! Bye!