Life

I find it depressing that no one seems to believe in my dreams. I’m often reminded how much people fail when trying to

reach their dreams. I always thought they told us in school to reach for you dreams no matter what happens. Were they

wrong? Am I wrong? Who knows. Maybe they’re both wrong and right. I just wish I could know that one person

somewhere truly believed that I can live life as an actor. I thought my friends might, and maybe they still do but they

worry about me failing. I worry about me failing. Will I ever be happy with life if I don’t make it? Hopefully I won’t ever find

out the answer to that. Someday I might but I’ve always promised myself I would try my best to live my dreams so that

later in life I wouldn’t regret it if I failed. If I know I tried my best to succeed then I’ll know that it wasn’t my fault that my

dreams didn’t come to fruition. Why do I always fall in love with things that are difficult to obtain? Is this a fatal flaw in my

character? Will it drive me to ruin? I can’t tell. Maybe a psychologist could but what would they say? Stop being yourself?

I’m good at that, I’m an actor, but that’s all a show. A front I put on for people to entertain them. I think if I tried to live like

that, and at times I have for short periods, that I would go insane. Maybe I already am insane and just don’t realize it yet.

Maybe that’s why I’m writing this but then again maybe I’m writing this to keep myself from going insane. I probably

couldn’t tell the difference anyway. Sometimes I do feel like life’s pressure is driving me crazy but doesn’t everybody? I

think about it often. Does everyone feel like I do? So small? I think of the grand scheme of things and realize that no one

person really matters, even Hitler. Sure it was horrible the acts that he did but those wounds have healed themselves over

time. The atom bomb at Hiroshima was horrendous but the land will become fertile again eventually. I as one person can

not effect the world. We as humankind even have difficulty affecting the world. We’ve done it, slowly and surely and now

they say we’re killing the planet. I think the planet will kill us off before that happens. The point I’m trying to make is that

alone we are all really insignificant, and that’s how I’ve felt lately even though I’m doing things to better myself. At those

times I feel like all is right with the world but when I’m home doing nothing the oppression that is life seems to crash

down upon my head. It’s no easy task shaking off that weight. Somehow I manage to, day in and day out but it’s an

eternal fight. I think maybe that’s how it is for everyone though I’m not sure. People’s lives vary so much. It feels like a

battle to stay sane but sometimes the prospect of insanity looms on the horizon and honestly sometimes maybe I think

it wouldn’t be that bad to be insane, but as they say the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I think I’m

teetering on that fence right now. Writing this right now seems to be winning the battle for me but It’s a stall. My mind will

eventually either die or go insane. While I’m on the subject dying is such an eternally interesting dilemma. We as

humans all wonder what it’s like but we know you can only try it once. Sometimes people decide that this life isn’t a good

alternative to death and they find out before us. I’m not one of those people. I don’t wish to die though I must admit that I

am extremely curious about it. I guess that  is part of being human. What is life anyway? It’s a series of sensory input

that we gain and file away as memory. That’s really all it is. I hope to make good memories for myself but I also realize

that we need bad memories to make good memories. I’ve suffered in life, not as much as some, but more than some

others. We all do. We all talk about the suffering in the world but we little realize that comparatively dull or boring things

to common people can be miracles to those who have suffered their entire lives. Sometimes I envy them that. When was

the last time I truly enjoyed the taste of an apple? The last time that I was just happy to be alive? If anyone reads this

then I know there will be people who disagree with some of the things I’ve said. I don’t care. Disagree all you want this is

just how I personally feel. I don’t mind people disagreeing with me. It’s when they try to force me to agree with them that

angers me. Why must we all believe what everyone else does? What happened to diversity? Diversity is life, Diversity

means change, Life is change. Get used to it. Not everyone is going to accept everything you say and not everyone will

disregard everything you say. I’ve gone on a really long rant haven’t I? I just wanted to write down how I feel about my

dreams but I guess life itself prevails above all that. As a human I think I spend too much time thinking about life. I think

we all do really. I think I just need to stop analyzing and thinking about life and just get to living it. Maybe that’s the true

way to fight through the insanity that life can bring.