I Blame It On the Rain

The rain is coming down, like a torrential down pour that I feel in my heart and soul.
My body aches for him, my mind longs for him and my soul hurts for him.
I haven’t truly felt the effects of all this until now.

I cried when he left because I didn’t know what was next.  I didn’t eat for 3 days because numb was all I could feel, hunger eluded me.  I want to cry now, more than ever, because together, yet alone, we wait.

I have to stay strong for my child, so she doesn’t feel the effects of all of this.  She is smart and knows the truth, as a good girl plays along, this I know.  I stay strong for the one that I love, because I know that he is going through it worse than I ever could be.  I stay strong for me, because weak is not something that I know how to be.  I have endured a lot, but this is truly a test.  Not a physical test, as a betrayal like that hurts more than anyone could know, I know this from experience and refuse to hurt the one I love in such a way.  This is a mental test, which I thought I was ready.  I’ve loved once before, but never like this. 

I’ve never had a man that loved me, totally, unconditionally, and completely.  A man that has given himself to me as I have given to him, without question and has never looked back.  NO, this is new, so fresh, so familiar, like I’ve been here before, yet I know I haven’t.  Not with any man, only this man. 

I think of him, constantly, in everything that I do.  I carry him in my spirit and smile at the laughs we shared, the love we made and the times that he took care of me.  He’s seen me at my worst, to date, and loved me without question.  He knows my flaws, and picks up where I fall behind.  My puzzle piece was found, and abruptly taken from me. 

In an instant our life changed, for the time being.  Not changed, in the way of our love, but in a way that made me see, how cruel the world can truly be.  All it takes is one decision, one choice, to ruin ones life, your life, another’s life, One Choice.  We all have it, most choose right, so I thought.  More people than I knew choose to hurt those that did nothing to deserve the pain in which they inflict.  Do they even realize the destruction they cause in the wake of the tantrum they throw? Do they even care?  If they did, would they choose differently?

The rain is coming down now, freely, effortlessly, as do my tears.  My love for this man has not faltered or swayed, not in the slightest bit.  I love him now, as I did then.  When I look at him, I do not see the man that others claim him to be, there are a million things this man is, but a woman beater he is not.  He is kind, gentle, giving, witty, funny, romantic, charismatic, optimistic, loving, thoughtful, helpful and always looking out for the ones that he loves. 

Where are the ones that claim they loved him in return?  Where do they stand now?  I know where I am and where I stand, the others have fallen to the way side, yet they still throw stones.  “Those that live in a glass house ALWAYS cast the first stone.”

To hold him in my arms again, to kiss his head as I watch him sleep, to whisper in his ear how much I love him, forever, is what I long to do.  To feel the simple touch of his hand against my cheek letting me know that it will be ok, without speaking a word.  The grasp of his hand in mine that says, “Baby, I love you”.

It’s the little things, the simple things that I miss… everything.  They say you don’t miss a good thing until it’s gone, that is not true.  If you realize what you have you would miss it before it ever leaves.  I know I did and do!

Janet Jackson put it so perfectly, “I get so lonely… can’t let just anybody hold me.  You are the one that lives in me…my dear.  I want no body but you.”

The strong one is holding true in the light.  Then the darkness sets in, I hold myself close pretending my arms are his, I cry.  I broke the one “rule” we have, no tears, and pray he can’t feel it, I know that he does.  For that, I apologize.

I blame it on the rain.