Idiot:A Study of a Post-HighSchool Idiot

Idiot: A study of the American post-high school male idiot

Preface
.......


When I started writing this book I thought there would be a market for it. I thought the title of the book is Idiot so the market must be comprised of idiots. I thought, I'm an idiot I buy books sometimes, but then I really thought about it and I realized that I don't even buy books, I steal them because I'm an idiot. That's part of what makes an idiot an idiot. They do illegal things, like stealing, they don't think they're gonna get caught because they're idiots. So I realized anyone who actually reads my book is going to steal it so I won't even make any money. With that in mind, I would like to thank the people who helped me get this book on the shelves and I cross my fingers hoping that this book will appease more than just a few idiots. If idiots are the only people who like this book it will be a failure, so please, try to get as many non-idiots you possibly can to read this. I knock on wood that they enjoy it.



Introduction
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I enter my brother's house, it's around 4:30 in the afternoon. He just got married, he has a newborn kid. I'm happy for him. I mean, it's a pretty nice house for a 26 year old guy, I'm surprised he can afford it. And on top of having a nice house, his wife is pretty damn hot too, my bros doing pretty good. I congratulate him. We walk into the kitchen, there's his wife there cooking dinner, actually now that I get a look at her she's not that amazingly attractive, I mean she's gotten pretty big these days, maybe it's because she was just pregnant, I don't know. And also come to think of it my brother's a fat ass, he used to work out all the time, now he's a fat lard.

My brother's wife, or maybe I should say sister-in-law, is standing there, over the stove, cooking some kind of dinner, it looks like brown mush, she's holding her baby in her arms right there near the stove. My brother's here too still, my parent's were telling me how he loves his wife, he seems like he's got the good life. I say hi to my sister in law, Alice, and sit down at the table with my brother for a little, hear about how his new life is treating him. His wife starts nagging him, "Hey Jeffery! Why don't you get off your ass and help me with the baby". Jeffery looks back and retorts "Go to hell bitch, you make me sick". My brother's a big guy with a crew cut, and for some strange reason he always wears sunglasses. He looks at his wife "Shut the hell up you nagging bitch, I'm talking to my brother, I work all day". I was feeling kind of weird, in my gut. The two get into an argument. They're both screaming at each other. I feel kind of weird, I hardly know this woman, I wasn't even at the wedding, and she's screaming at my brother. In an attempt to attain some degree of
normalcy, I offer my brother a snickers bar. And for some reason unbeknownst to me he grabs the bar without saying a word and hurls directly at his wife. And she's holding a baby!

I am, in many ways, a peace keeper and when my brother and his wife ask me to take the baby to it's room I do it. I put it in it's bed, give it a pat on the head, let it know that it's gonna grow up with issues, and let it go to sleep. Ahh, finally some time to relax, I open up the window so I could smoke a quick stoge.

My name's Mitch, I'm 19 years old, about to turn 20, but you wouldn't guess it knowing that my gut was feeling sick earlier because I was holding in a massive diarrhea shit and a bit of it just burst free.








CHAPTER 1








The other day me and my friends were eating at this Chinese buffet. This was the same night we got the call from Fat Cat. You could tell my friend Ronson was feeling screwy because he was chewing up his food and spitting it onto the floor.
After being mesmerized by that for a little while, I looked to my left, with a grin on my face, towards the buffet and I saw this little kid, this little 10 year old kid, walk up to the food. He was standing there, eyeing the noodles with a shit eating smile on his face. He got a little closer to the display and scanned the noodles a bit, then he looked around, like to make sure no one was watching him. After making sure the area was clear he pushed his arms right into the tray. The kid was in passed his elbows and moving his arms around in there, up and down. Pushing up and down in the noodles with a serious look on his face. Mixing the noodles with his arms, he was serious as all hell, it almost seemed like he was massaging the noodles. I looked at my friends sitting around, they were deciding if pizza might actually be worth it's weight in gold, which I believe it very well may be.
"pfft, guys look that kids got his arms in the noodles, he's pushing in and out". The entire table burst into suppressed laughter. Ronson looked stunned "Oh my god, that's the most coolest thing I've ever seen!"

One time my dad was driving down route 208, as he was speeding down the road he saw Ronson there, on the shoulder. Ronson was stranded on the highway standing next to his 1997 Acura Integra, a car which had smoke rising from the hood, waving and flailing his arms trying to flag down some help. My dad didn't stop. He just muttered to himself about the idiocy of Ronson while dipping a pouch of skoal.

Hanric, my German buddy, looks, "Shit, what an idiot".
Calvin who was sitting across from me, had nothing to say he just burst out laughing, he was laughing so hard he was moving up and down banging the table with his fist.
The kid then took his hands out, spit in the noodles, spit on the floor then went back to his family while we looked on in disbelief. Oh yeah, before the kid got back to his family he flicked a boogie into the chow mien.
At this buffet the pizza smelled like sweat and you could see bubbles in the soup from all the spit. This place smelled like throw up. This place was the most disgusting place within a 25 mile radius but we ate here until we threw up, and we did it a few times a month. We had nothing to do. If we weren't at this buffet we'd be smoking cigarettes in some parking lot, but it was now the winter, so instead of smoking outside freezing we thought it would be better to sit indoors and eat as much food as possible.
I looked at everyone "Shit, fuck, I can't believe that shit. That was, that was insane!" Calvin looks at me "Haha, yeah that was the weirdest thing I've seen and I've seen some weird shit."
"That was horrible, does America have a lot of places like this? With shit everywhere?" Hanric bellowed in his German accent while gritting his teeth in disbelief. "Yeah, what if this place actually had shit in it, like in the food" I said. "Yeah, if that kid somehow managed to get his shit in the food, I mean he's already spit in it who knows what he'll do. You know?" Ronson responded while he cleaned his teeth with a matchbook and spit into an ashtray.
"What if someone shit their pants in this restaurant, I wouldn't be surprised it smells like shit in here" Hanric said. Calvin found this to be the funniest thing ever, even funnier than the kid with the noodles. He goes "Guys, we should do that, we should get some actual shit in this place"
Ronson looked at him "Wait, what? Are you serious? You want us to shit our pants in here?" Ronson questioned. “You think that'd be funny?" I questioned. Then I realized "Yeah it'd be funny as hell"
Calvin now looked at me weird. Hanric looked across the table "We shouldn't actually put shit in the food or something in here. That'd be horrible, that would just be so wrong."
Calvin had blank stare looking down for a little while, he was thinking. Finally he laughed a little, looked up and said, while letting out giggles every so often, "Fine. You know what, you know what we should do? What should we do?” I said. Hanric looked around and said “Yeah, What should we do?”
Calvin finally spit it out “One of us should just get up, right in the middle of this place, and rush past everyone like we shat our pants.". Hanric let out a weird fart sounding laugh then said "Yeah that'd be funny, that'd be so stupid, lets do that. Who's gonna do it?"
“That's stupid and humiliating, I don't want to do that, I don't want to be humiliated” Ronson said wryly. That statement only made Calvin want to do it even more. “So what? It's fun to be humiliated! Why don't you want to be humiliated” he said. “Because, I don't know, I don't like being humiliated?” Ronson retorted. I looked around at everyone and said “C'mon guys, lets get humiliated it'll be awesome; who cares? We don't know these people. We'll probably never see them again. We just won't come here anymore unless we want to be humiliated.”
“Yeah let's do it, lets humiliate ourselves tonight.” Hanric screeched. “Fine. I guess we could do it. Who's gonna be the asshole that actually does it?” Ronson questioned. We decided we'd flip a coin for it. Ronson had another question “How the hell are we gonna do that? There's four of us”
Hanric looked at him in amazement “You're an idiot Po'boy.” Ronson went by many names. In one night we could call him fifty different things. “ I'll face Calvin, you guys go against each other, the two losers then face each other, then the loser has to do it.”
“What?” Ronson didn't get it. We all understood, except Ronson, he seemed to be the biggest idiot out of all of us, but he might have just been psychologically fucked we had to cut him some slack, like we, including Ronson, did for Calvin. Well actually, thinking about it, we were, and still are, probably all psychologically fucked. I know I'm weird and Hanric is kind of nuts.
We all explained it again. But through the new explanation Calvin and I got a little confused. All these explanations didn't even make sense anymore. Finally we all got it down and the game of chance started.
It was me versus Ronson. All we could find was a dime so we flipped that. I called heads, Ronson had tails. I flipped it up into the air, caught it with absolutely no finesse, and smacked it onto the back of my hand. I then opened it up to reveal the winner. Thomas Jefferson was looking up at us, I won. I didn't have to make a scene in this place, I didn't have to pretend there was shit in my pants.
Next up was Calvin and Hanric. Calvin flipped that shit in the air and it came out in his favor. Hanric was pissed. But he sucked it up and went up against Ronson.
Ronson had a weird, spaced out, dumb look on his face and flipped the coin. He flipped it so horribly that it hardly even went up, it just went three feet to the left and hit the floor.
Calvin later told me that at that very same moment, through the corner of his eye, out the window, he saw this black guy with brass knuckles punch this poor smuck in the face. I don't know if I believe it, but I've never caught Calvin in a lie before, so maybe its true.
Anyway the coin came up heads and Hanric lost. He didn't want to do it. He flat out refused. “Fuck that shit, I'm not doing that, I'm no idiot, I'm not going to humiliate myself.”
“What happened to 'Lets all get humiliated'” Ronson said. “Yeah what happened to that man? Don't be a bitch, you lost just do it.” I said.
Calvin looked around the table at everyone “Whatever, I'll just do it, I don't care, I don't give a fuck!”
Calvin was moving up and out of his seat “Alright guys watch this.”
He was moving slowly out of his seat with his legs spread. You could tell that Calvin was about to put on an award winning performance. The guy was out of his seat with his legs spread and started to rush to the bathroom. He was like penguin walking, with his hand over his butt cheek moving quickly with no finesse to the bathroom. There was a group of waiters off to the side who just burst out laughing. Me, Ronson, and Hanric were kind of embarrassed, at this point were actually being humiliated. The whole place knew Calvin came from our table, and he was right out there in the open, shitting his pants. Calvin was sighing too, while he was moving. The whole scene only lasted a few seconds but there were quiet giggles coming from all over the restaurant, and these giggles were directed at us. We were laughing but our faces were kind of red.
A few minutes later Calvin came out of the bathroom doing jumping jacks. I thought “What the hell? Is this guy high, drunk, or just insane?” Then I realized he was just insane, he's Calvin.