Dreams and Nightmares

When I was young, I dreamt of a knight in shining armor.
He would whisk me off into the sunset
And we would live with our 2.5 children in our 2000 square foot home.
But the dream was clouded by guilt and shame. 
Maybe I didn’t deserve such things.
Maybe I couldn’t sustain such greatness.
Maybe I would tarnish my knight.

Now I am older, and I dream of a night of shining stars
And I am free and independent
And unencumbered by children and husband and home.
This dream also is clouded by guilt and shame.
I made these decisions.
I am obligated to these consequences.
My night becomes a nightmare.

I don’t want to feel regret.
I want to feel love and joy and graciousness
For all that I have.
Looking back is futile.  Looking ahead is disheartening.
Today is what I have. 
I face the reality that is.
I pack away my dreams and nightmares and face another day.