lilacs and razor blades

so....this is me now....scarred up,messed up, crazy i wasnt always this way. i wasnt always so obvious about it anyway. this is the beginning no once upon a time, this is no fucking fairy tale....i am no princess ....but there are monsters and witches and poison apples galore. ill go back in time .........wen i was 4....on a swing in a yard not a care in the world.....daddys girl.......brothers whore.....i was so happy then....funny how i miss this time. fast forward im 10....time flies wen your being fucked......back with mom i go........brother has left the building father has lost his mind.....i am doomed!!!!!!! At 12 we move far away from all i know .....im just a shell now ive been silenced by her....those words the hate her voice is always coming to get me........im so trapped........beaten and bruised i die. now ...a teenager i seek friends anywhere.....my best friend a great girl.....shes nice to me...so nice mom buys us beer and she shoves her fingers inside of me and rips out my soul....i cant remember......why? hospitalized now moms free........for months 72 ...86 .....95 ....this is my weight........ i still fight this battle. dr who?????? into my room asking the same questions that everyone already knows...fix me...make me feel.....my thanks to the tool from the drawer.....hi my name is red.......if i push hard enough ill be dead!!!!!! two years of this shit and im home.....back to the kingdom of shit......my mother is the queen.....ill never eat.......i hate everything.........16 ....im pregnant.........her father a waste of course what else would he be................july my favorite she is born. beatings and bullys....ive had enough........19 and strong.........all through my twenties i torture myself...........panic attacks......anorexia......my daughter...happy has can be.......i hide all that i can from her...she is my savior she is mine....i will prevail for her....this was my mantra........mental illness...sure does suck!!!!!!!!! 30......arms so scarred ......black inside.....hate engulfs me like a flame im burning up im burning out.....full of rage.....i never take it out on her........she loves me so. unknowingly...i destroy her....by destroying myself.........i wish i could take it all away.. in the garage i almost do.........father dies ...enter my beloved bro....to fuck my mind this time...im 34 but im done.........hes done..........this is a good day......one of few...im free..........my savior leaves who can blame her........i miss her.....im lost ....the mask is gone now its me......bipolar...bizzare.....smart.....fulltime...vampire ...ME!!!!!! i lose it.........36 great year 61stitches 41 stitches........etc etc etc....on and on
the queen fell off her thrown.......she was tired .....i tried to save her.......she was after all my mother....i was to late at 37.so.... this is me now....scarred up,messed up,crazy...i guess i wasnt always so obvious about it anyway.