Dreamworld

‘I’m going to buy more coke,’ I said, as we pulled into another petrol station. Gary glanced at me. Evan snorted.

‘You might want to use the loos, too, Jamie,’ he said, tapping the window of my roommate’s truck. ‘Frozen solid,’ he murmured. Then he looked at me. ‘You’ve already drunk four bottles.’

‘Emmett drank two,’ I said, glancing at him. He was fast asleep, his face pressed against the window on the right of the truck. He didn’t see how cold the glass was.

It was mid-December. The windows of the truck were covered in ice, frozen solid, as Evan said. They had clumps of snow, also solid, stuck in the corners, which Gary had suggested getting out with a knife. Mel had looked at him, horrified. I’d shaken my head. As I attempted to get out of the truck, though, I had to use a lot of strength to throw the door open. I had to use strength to step outside, too, shuddering in the wintery weather.

‘Bloody hell!’ I heard Evan shiver, and I slammed the door behind me.

I pulled my hood up as I walked, throwing my cap on top. I crossed my arms, awkwardly. I half-walked, half-ran towards the store, before realising that a tall, brown-haired girl was watching me. She looked mildly amused, and nodded at me, before turning to talk to her friend. I looked away, wishing she’d smiled at me, or even said something. I ran, then, not bothering to try not to look like a loon.

I felt relieved as I entered the shop, and pulled off my cap with ease. I looked around me. It was a different world from the one outside, bright, warm and comfortable. It made a pleasant change. It made a pleasant change from the white, cold and crisp weather, and Evan’s voice laughing, ‘Snow White, Jamie! You look like Snow White! Black hair, white skin, red, chapped lips . . . you’re like her sister!’

I could still hear Emmett’s chuckle, and his, ‘You really do look like a girl, James.’

I could hear Mel’s reply of, ‘James, a girl?’, in his deep, masculine voice. ‘You should see what he gets up to at home!’

I could hear Evan’s wolf-whistle.

I shook my head, trying not to recall those awkward moments, trying not to remember the way I’d looked at Mel, gratefully, and seen his wink in return. I never brought girls home, and Mel was aware of that. He just didn’t know the reason.

‘Excuse me?’ I said, to the woman at the counter, admiring her long, blonde hair. She smiled and laid her arm on the counter, leaning in my direction.

‘Yes, love?’ she said, in a musical tone. I stood for a moment, staring at the bangles on the woman’s wrist. They were covered in jewels, multicoloured jewels, that twinkled in the light.

I looked at her face. That twinkled, too.

‘Do you sell –’ I flushed, embarrassed, and whispered the words. The woman’s smile widened.

‘Yes, love, right this way.’

I looked around us as I followed her, witnessing a girl slide a chocolate bar into her pocket. She glared at me, as if daring me to tell someone, and I looked in the other direction. She’d been dark-eyed, -haired and -skinned, and she’d looked alarmingly thin. I wondered if I’d seen a bruise under her eye. It was amazing what people would do to get something they wanted, something small, that so many took for granted.

‘Here,’ the musical voice said, and I turned around and stopped.

‘Thanks,’ I said, and handed her a five-pound note. I shoved the change in the pocket of my jeans.

As I made my way to the toilets in the store, I felt like I was faraway, in a dream, in another mixed-up world.

I pushed the door open, and did it without pausing. Then I looked, for ages, at the pair of lines before me. They blurred into one, eventually, but I knew that was a trick of the eyes. I blinked, and looked at the key on the box.

It had a picture of a pair of lines, then one word: Pregnant.

I closed my eyes, dropping the test in the bin. It was amazing what people would do. Just to get something they wanted, something small . . . that so many took for granted.

I wanted to be normal. I wanted to be a normal girl, a girl who wanted to be a girl, but I knew that would never work. I thought of the pregnancy test, and sighed – I’d learnt that the hard way.

I wanted to be normal. But here I was, caught in a dreamworld, stuck between everyone else.

I thought about Mel, Gary, Evan and Emmett, and I wished I was one of them.

I wished I was normal.