In The Beginning

I close my eyes and I go back to the beginning….

I imagined your eyes bright and lively with excitement telling me about your day and the things you had done (you left something out, you always did)
I can imagine how your hands moved enthusiastically gesturing and talking in ways your words could not extend.

I listened fascinated…
Not at what you had to say, but it was in the way you said it.
It was the sound of your voice as you spoke.

I listened patiently.
Inside I ached...
I ached because I wanted to be the one to spark this much life into you

I thought of telling you then, but I didn't’t have the strength to.

I imagined how your eyes looked when they were downcast with anger, enough to cause electricity in your skies.
Your hands clenched in fists of rage.

I listened cautiously,
Furious…
Not at your reaction…but at the way you felt.
Inside my fury burned along with yours
I wanted to be the one to make you feel such intensity.

I thought of telling you then, but I didn’t have the will too

Going further back into your past…before I came along.

I could imagine your eyes, bashful and sly.
I could imagine your pupil’s dilating with passion, your hands open and slick with sweat rubbing them over your jeans to dry.

I listened painfully,
Jealous,
Not because you felt bliss and joy, but because you felt it with her.
Inside my heart broke because it was I that wanted to be the one that brought such a fervent pitch of desire in you.

I thought of telling you then, but I didn’t have the courage too.

I could imagine your eyes wet with tears of joy as your heart filled with pride when you held your newborn child
I listened silently
Miserably.

I was angry
Not at you or your joy, but because I knew I would never be the one to provide you with a mirror image of our love.
I cried silently.
I thought of telling you then,
But I didn't have the right to.

I could imagine your eyes sad and pained; unshed tears creating a wall of anguish, and your hands trembling like a child’s
I could imagine your heart filled with despair as you began to realize that you don’t love her.

I listened soulfully,
I felt sorry for you,
I thought of telling you then, but I didn’t have the heart to.

So here we start…

Now you are mine…and your cycle begins again

And now I have memories of my own, these I don’t have to imagine
And yet I find myself going back to the beginning…

Now I remember your eyes strained with tears as you tell me the truth.

I remember you eyes distant your hands clenched and slick with sweat
I remember the emotions that your words sparked in me as you told me about your deceitful ways and that you were never faithful to me.

"Now I remember that pain..."
I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest with every word you spoke

I remember your eyes...distant and weary from lack of sleep
Your eyelids shutting out the world
Your hands limp like rags hanging lifelessly on each side of your body

I listened intently…
Desperate…
Not because I was drinking in your every word, but because I was straining to hear you speak a word at all.

Inside my heart was cold…

I remember your eyes wide and startled by the words I said to you
You were looking away while your hands were fidgeting restlessly, nervously running them through your hair trying hard to find the right words to excuse the things you had done…so you listened objectively but not hearing a word I said at all

Inside I was shattered
I thought my world was coming apart

I thought of dying then…

Hollow

I walk away
Inside my heart is breaking…

I have spent so many years imagining you…
I painted you as a perfect man…. one that would never put me through such pain

Did you imagine that you would be able to keep me…?

I never wanted to hurt you….I can hear your words ripping at my heart (you should have thought of that before you took all those women to bed, should you not have?)

I can imagine the pain of not having you in my life.
I didn’t want to tell you then…

Because the pain of having you in my life is more then I can bear
so much so that I am left imagining my own death.

I didn’t tell you then…
But I have to tell you now… because I can’t find any more excuses not too…

Now…
It’s time for me to stop imagining, and time to start living
For all that I had imagined is standing here before me.
So I am telling you this…

I have to let you go…