Forgiveness?

We all mess up sometimes but it's our ability to recognize and make right those wrongs that defines who we are as a person. There's nothing wrong with saying you're sorry even at those most difficult moments when you're faced with scrutiny and judgment, but what are we supposed to do when there is no resolution, no honesty, no humility. Should we just move on? Should we just struggle through it? What is the right answer? I haven't figured it out yet. 

Relationships are as complex as anything I've ever experienced...one example is that my ex committed suicide November 13th, 2005, and even though my mind reasons that I tried to prevent it, and even though I KNOW I did the right thing after his death, the guilt that others impose looms heavy...like those thick dense rain clouds that just hang in the air to the point of suffocation. I can never go home in peace because of this judgment. My spirit died there, and was only reborn when I moved, and yet I contemplate and contemplate if it will ever be right.

When is enough...enough?  When does that light of hope shine on my life?  I see it shine to my right then to my left, in front of me and behind me, and I wait patiently for that ray to finally shine on me....pathetic in some ways...self pity in others...and victory in it's finality. For someday it will shine...because my heroes say so, and ultimately my God commands it....forgiveness, peace, and happiness....just waiting patiently to understand the intricacies of communication and the complexities of forgiveness....