Cruelty Of Fate

"What?" I groaned, "what the hell.."

I opened my eyes and looked around; I'm in my room, "Why don't I remember whats going on.." I stammered.
Then it hit me, all at once the first wave of searing pain as well as a sour taste in my mouth, my mouth had no saliva in it. The pain shot up my arm, the root of the pain starting at a crimson red cut on my wrist, shooting up to my shoulder, in intervals. "Shit" I said aloud, "I've done it." I remembered now that I passed out from blood loss, well thats what I guessed I passed out from. I got the sudden urge to call someone, to be cared about, to feel important, maybe even the hospital. but I know that I can never do that, nobody can know what I've done.

I attempted to look around, my vision blurred. I waited for a minut in excruciating pain for my eyesight to return to me. Once I could see, I glanced around. The dim light made its way in throug a window above my bed, the blue walls that incased me appeared to be throbbing, insync with my head. There was a shiny red pool that has stained my baby blue carpet to my left, where my arm once lay. I slowly shook my head from side to side.

I didn't mean for it to go this far, I don't want to die, I don't want to die, I don't want to die, I thought over and over again. I remembered now how it had happened, I was in my room, home alone that night. I still am now. I looked at my alarm clock, 6:02 it read. Okay, I thought, I passed out for almost an hour. Well then, the bleeding has stopped, so I'm not going to bleed to death, or so I'm thinking.

I attempted to stand so I could go to the bathroom to try and clean myself up. I hit the floor, "shit" I mumbled, I was really dizzy, I can't walk.
I'll take it slow i thought. I sat up very slowly, it gave me a head rush,  I winced, from the greusome pain flying up my left arm.

I thought again about what had happened last night, as I looked at my wrist. When I saw it I smiled. I have always liked the sight of my own blood. "I'm sick" I thought aloud, again. And I didn't mean as in a virus, I'm sick in the head and i know it.

Last night; Friday, I had been feeling really depressed. I don't even know why!! This is bull shit I thought, why the hell am I feeling this!? I have friends, I get decent grades. I have parents that love me, yet for two years now I have been feeling depressed. Nobody knows, not my friends, mom, dad, nobody. I'm too ashamed..

It started slowly, my depression, at the beggining it was just me being sad quite often, I would never know why. It could be over the stupidest of things, like not getting my own way or even the occasional arguing of my parents. Then it became alot deeper, uncontrollable, I started getting more then just sad the only word I could use to describe it is depressed, it would last for a day or two.

But now! Now, it's unbearable, all the time, all day long. It even affects my dreams! I can't sleep without thinking about death or dying myself. Which I have wished for many times, although never tried it. But here I am now I thought, death is within my grasp, yet, I refuse to reach.

Then I remembered another event from last night, I knew I wouldn't have cut this deep on purpose. No matter how bad I feel or how much I want to die, the worst I will do is make my wrist shed a few tears, not cry a river.

I'm here near death now because of a god damn sneeze! Thats it! Thats why I ended up cutting to deep! Thats what might kill me, my entire life, gone. A sneeze. I had held the unchristened razor to my wrist, my personal weapon of mass destruction. Then, without bodily warning, I sneezed! The blade, thin as a hair, sliced through the small of my arm, easier then a bullet through paper. God damn, I'm screwed, I thought before the sneeze was finished. I threw my weapon to the floor and jumped up from my bed, I got an intense head rush and started staggering, the adrenaline was keeping away the pain, which the future would bring. My vision blurred, I tried to make my way to the door, as I passed my dresser, I glanced in the mirror, or what I thought was a mirror, it couldn't have been because I had no idea who the hell was staring back. It made me freeze, I stood petrified, staring at the monster I had become. That's when I started to lose the edges of my vision, as well as reality, then everything blackened and I hit the floor.

So now, I'm near death because of a damn sneeze. But then I thought all I can blame is myself, the sneeze didn't hold the razor blade to my wrist, I did. Something like this was bound to happen sooner or later. I put all of that behind me and started to stand, slowly. I put my hand on my dresser to steady myself as pain blistered my arm. I pulled myself to my feet and held both hands against the dresser to keep myself from falling again.
Slowly, I raised my head. And looked in the mirror.

"Damn it" I said in disgusts. My eyes are almost as red as my wrist, and my skin is so pale I could have sworn I just saw a ghost. Pft, I wish, I thought.
Just the sight of myself made my stomach turn, I got the sudden urge to punch the mirror and scream. I took my hands off and steadied myself by widening my legs. I decided I was going to try and make my way to the bathroom to try and get cleaned up. I put one foot in front of the other and shuffled my other to meet it. I repeated this process until I got to my door. The doorknob felt odd as my blood caked hand slowly turned it, my right lay against the wall. When the door was open I stepped into the doorway and leaned my shoulder against the inside of the door box, trying to catch my breath and lose this feeling of fatigue.

I just stood there, exasperated by the simple task I had just completed, it felt like i just ran a marathon. Standing in that doorway, something happened, something unexplainable. I felt lethargic, got a surge of pain and drowsiness all at once, with an incomprehensible force, me knees buckled, my eyes bulged. I laid in my doorway for an eternity, as well as no time at all. It was the strangest moment of the 15 years i have been alive.


* * * * * * * * * * *

I'm in a room, there are people all around me, passing me back and fourth, they are all so happy, the feeling of happiness is overwhelming, then I'm passed to my crying mother, who is lying on a hospital bed. When I was in her arms, then, and only then did I stop crying fro the first time.

I'm in my house, sitting in a high chair, my mother is wiping my face with a cloth. "Momma!" I giggled, she dropped the cloth with utter delight.
"Dave" she yelled "Dave!? come quick! David said his first word! Dave.." and the voice faded.

I am again surrounded by people. "Blow out the candles David." my father tells me in a kiddish voice. I look down in front of my and see a cake with three candles sitting on it, their flames licking the air as I blow them out.

I see numerous memories from the ages 3 to 13, but then they take a sudden turn in the mood, I see the first time I cut, I remember the vivid feeling of releif it gave me, how much better I had felt, it was as if a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

I see the time I pass out from not eating, I had always hated my weight, even though I am skinny, though I' de always tell myself I'm fat and not good enough, it was basically another way to punish myself, and finally, I saw last night, I felt the same feelings, as I was reliving this horrid event I had an epiphany."What the hell am I doing!?" My mind screamed as the trenchant memory surged on. Subconsciously I could feel my heart slow, it wasn't until then that I realized I was dying. No I thought, not now, I can change, I really can. I can stop. But I knew deep down, that there would always be a dark spot in my mind, in my heart, I would never be normal, there is no stopping for me.

My mind kept surging on, I relived the lethal sneeze and then when I blacked out, it was as if everything was paused, for all stopped, my thoughts seemed distant, though in my head I was screaming "I can change!" I could hear it not as though I was saying it, rather I could hear it as if I were at the end of a very long tunnle.

Then in the darkness I saw a flicker of hope, a light. I knew immediately what it was. Death. Yet at the same time it was so warm, so comforting, so happy. and it was getting more radiant, warmer. I stopped fighting it, I welcomed it, I wished for it. I knew it would solve all my problems, it was the only way to be truly happy.

So I called out to the light, I wanted death. It was the only thing that could finally put me to rest. Peacefully, I let myself drift. I let the eternal warmth engulf my being, my soul, until I was no more, but at the same time I was everything I have ever wanted to be.
I was truly happy for the first time.