2 Minute Scoop-December 22, 2008

This week’s scoop-

Most of the nation has been hit hard this week with harsh winter weather not usually seen until later in the season.  Cities in the Midwest and the Northeast came to a screeching halt when snow and ice knocked out power lines and affected roadways.  Even Las Vegas received the worst snowfall in three decades.  The weather forced topless dancers to go on stage with thermal pasties and fur lined g-strings.  The 3.6 inch snowfall even shut down the airport prompting the Las Vegas visitors’ bureau to temporarily change their slogan to “What happens in Vegas will make you stay in Vegas, no really”.

The miserable weather only added to the problems retailers are facing this holiday season.  Consumer spending is reported to be sharply down this year forcing merchants to take drastic measures to make up for slumping sales.  Many stores have extended shopping hours and have offered deep discounts to spur sales.  Reportedly some department stores are giving away the fragrance Heiress by Paris Hilton to attract shoppers.  Actually, it turns out they are just giving it away because no one in their right mind would want to buy it.  This just in…retailers are giving away the new fragrance Believe by Britney Spears, Inspire by Christina Aguilerra, and all the other tabloid darling perfumes.  All, that is, except for Jessica Simpson’s Fancy because…well who doesn’t want to smell Fancy sometimes.

Speaking of fancy, Wall Street won’t have anything of the kind this bonus season.  Most firms have slashed payouts as well as jobs leading many to feel less than merry this holiday season.  Credit Suisse has even announced a plan to pay out bonuses from their bad debts, employing what they feel is a fair risk reward strategy.  Some are speculating that other industries will follow suit in order to placate investors.  In fact, it has been leaked that Kraft Foods is toying with the idea of paying out bonuses with mayonnaise and blue cheese dressing (not the low-fact kind mind you), and Tyson Foods may be paying out bonuses in chicken wings.  Apparently, the executives of the two companies plan to have one hell of a Super Bowl party to celebrate!

In more unusual news, nuns who own a New York City apartment filed a lawsuit against the tenants of one of their apartment buildings, stating they are stinking up their building.  The nuns say that the horrible food and other smells were similar to that of vomit or rotten meat.  Apparently, when police investigated the complaint, they only found executives from Kraft and Tyson foods, who had coincidentally been wearing their surprise bonus of Jessica Simpson’s Fancy, indulging in their Christmas bonuses.  Now that’s what I call a party!  Happy Holidays from the Scoop!