sample from my new novel

Have I got a book for you! For the time being I'm going to tease you with a sample chapter from my latest novel which is entitled “The Misadventures of Sister Mary Olga Fortitude.” The early reviews on Amazon.com are fantastic! One reviewer ended her commentary by saying, “Just wait until the movie!”

I say, “Bring it on!” I've already got a legendary comedic actress in mind for the title role. That would be the fabulous Bette Midler. With nine books in the series already written and many more planned, I could keep her working for the rest of her life!

The purpose of my book is to entertain its readers, making them laugh out loud and to not take life so seriously. It is an irreverent and bawdy book with a spiritual message for people from all walks of life.

The book is about a wayward nun who is a closet drinker and a chain-smoker. She teaches classes in “Advanced Holiness” at the Have a Heart convent in the fictional town of Bucksnort, Wisconsin. She takes the attitude of “to each their own” and she takes pot shots at conservative religious and social attitudes of the day.

All of the characters are flawed in the most delightful ways. The Reverend Mother is a reformed prostitute. The convent's chef is a gay cowboy. Then there's the nasty town prude and busybody named Priscilla Bunhead. She's always digging in the dirt and there's plenty of that for her to find in the fictional town of Bucksnort, Wisconsin. There's a lot of hanky panky going on there! The humor is wacky and over-the top.

The book has the potential to attract a wide audience of readers. Yet it will be especially of interest to “recovering Catholics,” recovering alcoholics, and to gay and lesbian readers. Even so, the diverse audience of readers who have already read it have been able to relate to it whether or not they fit into any of these groups. One of the first to have read the book spent an entire evening devouring it. She then announced, in so many words, “I couldn't put it down! I'm addicted and I can't wait for the next one!”

If you want to check out my web page and see the delightfully illustrated cover and listen to an audio excerpt go to:
http://www.outskirtspress.com/misadventuresofsistermaryolgafortitude

For now sit back, relax, and get ready to laugh. Be forewarned. Fasten your seat belts. It might just be a bumpy ride! (Author's note: "T-LIAM-G" is an acronym for "The Lord is a mighty God.")

Davis Aujourd'hui



T-LIAM-G, my dears! This is Sister Mary Olga Fortitude coming to you. Now! I'm going to tell you a strange story if you'll promise to keep my secret. You
see, my secret involves someone else's secret that was shared with me.

I must confess that I take liberties with other people's business when I tell you my stories; however, let's just remember that it's for the sake of Advanced Holiness. So I trust that the Lord won't mind! Now! We started off the New Year in a most joyful fashion at the convent. I've told you about our rather dire need for new nuns. Well, the Lord is good and He has blessed us with a new bride of Christ. She arrived on New Year's Day.

Her name is Sister Samantha Monet and she is an exquisite creature, if I must say so myself. Mind you, beauty is as beauty does, but I was so taken with her
delicate features that I almost began to question my own
sexuality.

She is a diminutive and young Italian goddess with a perfect complexion. Her rosy cheeks are like apples, her lips are shaped like a heart, and she has the cutest little dimple on her chin. Her smile lights up her soulful hazel eyes with an inviting dance to join her in the festival of life. Yet it is her vivacious personality that I believe will win over new converts to Jesus.

Sister Samantha is a nurse who will be serving our academy as well as our older sisters who require tender loving care in their declining years. She has such a zest for life. She will undoubtedly be a wonderful role model for young women in our parish who might be contemplating a holy vocation. Yes, the Lord has sent us an angel who has been an answer to our prayers.

Now! I'm sure you're all curious about her secret. Let's not forget that curiosity killed the cat; and, Sister Samantha wouldn't be too happy about that. She also
happens to be an ardent pet lover and she has plans to open an animal shelter for stray animals in our parish. Oh yes, things are definitely looking up at the Have A Heart convent!

Speaking of looking up, that brings me to the subject of Sister Samantha's secret. Lord, have mercy! Well now! I was extremely thirsty following my most recent week of penance on my knees in my humble little cell; so, I'd made
a hasty visit to Randy Cowboy who was generous enough to give me a half gallon of Jack Daniel's.

I threw caution to the wind and I ducked into cubicle number four where I began to have a few nips. Oh, I must confess the truth. I tied one on! By the time I'd passed out, I'd managed to refresh myself with almost half of that big bottle. Oh my!

Sometime during the night, I must have slipped off the toilet and landed on the floor. I didn't wake up until the following morning; and, I must say, I had quite a
headache! I also realized that I had partially slid under cubicle number three and I couldn't get up.

Well, wouldn't you know it, the restroom door burst open and I immediately thought that the gig was up. With my luck, I thought that it might be Mother Carmen and that I'd be sent back to my cell for another week of solitary
confinement.

Fortunately God spared me that ordeal and He had sent me an angel. It was Sister Samantha. Of course, I didn't find that out immediately. Let's just say that we both had a big surprise in store!

Well! There I was, with my head under cubicle number three, when I heard Sister Samantha singing "Amazing Grace" as she entered that very cubicle! Apparently she was so moved by the Holy Spirit that she didn't even notice
my head facing up toward her toilet.

I closed my eyes in reverent prayer just as she was lowering her panties. As she was preparing to sit upon her throne, her habit swished over my face which brought me to attention. I opened my eyes by reflex. Boy, did I get an eyeful and I do mean boy! Sister Samantha wasn't a woman! Lord, have mercy!

Well! It was a rather awkward situation to say the least! I had learned of Sister Samantha's incredible secret. I also needed her help. What could I do, but gently murmur, “Please help me, Sister. I've fallen and I can't get up.”

Let me tell you, Sister Samantha might not have been a woman, but she let out a high-pitched scream that sounded like a woman giving birth. She jumped off her pot and she whooshed her habit off my pleading face. If anyone else could have seen us at that very moment, I'm sure that both of our faces would have appeared beet red.

Well! If either of us had had a blackmailing bone in our bodies, we both would have had sufficient ammunition to use against the other. Suffice it to say, each of us took a higher path except Sister Samantha had the higher advantage at that moment.

Well, that little woman proved to be very strong. She grabbed me under my arms. Then, she pulled me right under the partition of cubicle number three and out onto the restroom floor.

Even though I was feeling very shaky, in more ways than one, I managed to get myself up and onto my wobbly legs. Well, what could I say besides, “Thank you;” however, given the situation, it seemed that something else might be in order.

I felt rather like Little Red Riding Hood when she discovered that her grandmama was actually a wolf. The nice thing about my situation was that Sister Samantha wasn't about to eat me up. I decided right then and there
that I wasn't going to give her up.

“Sister,” I said. “How did you ever pull it off?” That's when she told me her story. You see, Sister Samantha just happened to have been born in the wrong
body. She was really every bit as much of a woman as myself with one notable exception. God sure works in mysterious ways!

Sister Samantha was the most beautiful child. She was christened “Bobby O'Reilly” and she was her mother's only son. As it had turned out, he was her only daughter too.

Mother and child lived with Bobby's grandmother on the family farm. He was conceived on Christmas Eve and he was born on the harvest moon of the following year. It was a fruitful harvest in more ways than one! He was his
mother's pride and joy as well as being the favorite grandchild of his elderly grandmother. Little Samantha or, should I say, little Bobby was a perfect angel.

On his first day of school, his mother dressed him up in knickers and she sent him off to the Baptist academy in his hometown which was located in a little parish similar to our own. When he returned from school, both his mother
and grandmother were in for a big surprise.

Little Bobby had discovered the academy's Good Will clothes closet and he had decided to change his outfit. When he returned to his grandmother's farm, he was wearing a dress, high heels, and he had braided his long locks into a perfect French braid.

Grandma O'Reilly chastened her daughter by exclaiming, “Whatever possessed you to send Bobby to school like that?”

Bobby's dumbfounded mother simply stared at her son and said, “I didn't!”

That was just the beginning. By the time Bobby was in high school, he had run off to the big city and he had started living as a woman. He had the most gorgeous natural female breasts and he began to receive hormone shots that made him the envy of the big city drag queens.

He named himself Samantha Monet and he decided to seek fame and fortune as a female impersonator. With his new female voice, he could hit a high C and he was soon performing in the big city clubs and making big money.

One of his favorite routines involved him dressing as a nun. It only seemed fitting since he had converted to Catholicism and he had decided that, once he'd had a taste of the world, he was going to become a nun. Sister
Samantha was a smashing success as she wooed the crowds with her renditions of religious songs that soon won converts to her beloved Savior.

Sister Samantha was planning on having a sex change, but a part of her believed she was born in a man's body to teach the world a lesson in tolerance of those who are different from others. Well! Sister Samantha had already
taught me a lesson! T-LIAM-G!

By the time Sister Samantha had made a mark for herself in the big city, she quietly disappeared to the Sisters of Charity and she took her vows as a nun. When the call went out from the Have A Heart convent for new blood, Sister Samantha was ready to leave the big city behind. She was ready to follow her passion of compassion for those in need, indeed!