Santa Speaks

“How was your trip, Dear?”

“Brutal!”

“Now, Santa…”

“Seriously, Mrs. C. You don’t know what it’s like out there. It’s not a nice world for a fat man in a sleigh anymore.”

“Here’s some coffee, Dear. Do you want to talk about it?”

“Well, thank goodness you didn’t offer me more milk and cookies. Don’t get me wrong, the cookies I don’t mind. But, honestly, who can drink all that milk in one night? Luckily people still like cats… and they are always awake when I get in the house, so at least I can pawn the stuff off on them. Besides, do you really want to drink milk that’s been sitting out for seven hours? Please.”

“Have you ever thought maybe you should retire, Dear?”

“And do what, Mrs. C? What would you like me to do? I’m sure every business owner in the world would love a resume where they only previous job experience listed is, ‘Santa for 450 years’. Yeah, that would be great.”

“It wasn’t bad back in the day when all chimneys lead to a fireplace. Yeah, I got burned a few times in my younger days, going down the chimney too fast and whatnot. But at least I never got trapped in somebody’s furnace. Although, I have to say, there are some really nice ones out there these days. Very efficient….. but that’s not my point. Do you know there are houses that don’t even have chimneys anymore? It’s ridiculous.”

“No chimneys? How can that be?”

“You really need to get out more, you know that?”

“You just rest, Dear. You’ll feel better in the morning.”

“Do you know how many kids moved last year and never sent a forwarding address? What a pain that was! I was about to leave a full-room race track and a Cry Me Baby doll with all the furniture at the Henderson’s. The Henderson’s! They are in their seventies! Thank goodness one of the elves texted me to tell me the Jalonski’s moved to Buffalo. Mind you, that’s quite a back track from Seattle, but I didn’t really have a choice, did I?”

“I was wondering why you were getting to be so late.”

“Well, when it happens 897 times in one night, you start to get a little peeved!”

“I really think we should talk more about this retirement idea, Dear.”

“Ah, what would I do? Every job has its problems… but, from what I’ve seen, this one is nowhere near as bad as the ones some of those people out there have!”

“But, maybe it’s time?”

“It’s one night out of the year, My Love. And I can’t wait to see the faces of the boys and girls. You know that always makes all it worthwhile. Speaking of that, it’s almost time, isn’t it?”

“I’ll warm up the Kid-O-Vision.”

Word count: 477