A REAL STINKER

The young girl at the checkout counter looked pleadingly at me then abruptly turned and grabbed a can of air freshener and started spraying it in wide circles around the register and counter area as if she was an infantry platoon leader calling her squads to assembly. Her eyes were wide, her nostrils flared and she looked as if she was about to implode from lack of air.

"Gosh! What a stinker," she blurted; quickly glancing at the door to make sure the customer about whom she was referring had left the building. "We get all types in here but she is beyond doubt the smelliest one I ever encountered."

There was a decidedly gamy odor lingering about the counter despite the girl's frantic efforts to get rid of it. It was an odd mixture of mama skunk; boiled cabbage and rotting eggs mixed with a strong undertone of urine and stale cigarette smoke.

I had to agree with the suffering cashier for the person who had left the odoriferous trail did not appear to be overly aggressive in her personal hygiene. I had wisely kept my distance from her, leaving a considerable gap between us when I first approached the checkout counter. If someone wanted to cut in line in front of me they were more than welcome to do so at their own peril.

This incident brought back ancient memories of my childhood while living with my grandmother. She wasn't exactly the epitome of cleanliness either. I now believe that she had regressed so deep into her Native American beliefs that bathing was an unknown ritual to her.

Unfortunately, her concept of Native American ways was also a bit flawed because, in all truth, the majority of Native American tribes took deep personal pride in daily bathing and personal grooming, much more so than their European counterparts.

For example: Queen Isabella of Spain, sponsor of Christopher Columbus' voyage to the new world, once bragged that she took only two baths in her entire life - once when she was born and the other when she got married. Our nineteenth century relatives in America improved somewhat but most were still content to bathe only on a Saturday night (sometimes every other Saturday).

When living with my grandmother bathing was not exactly a priority event for me either. If I remember correctly, twice a year was the norm and even then it was a tedious chore.

In late spring and once again in late autumn, my grandmother would drag out the huge tin washtub she used for washing clothes and fill it with ice cold well water.

Once the hot sun had warmed the freezing water to a bearable temperature, she would peal off my gamy clothes and in the tub I went.

She used her homemade lye soap (which was like hard lard with sandpaper in it) and rubbed me until I was raw and red. Then she would stand guard until she deemed me to be clean enough to get out of the tub.

All this unwanted attention took place in public since the sunniest part around the house was in the middle of the front yard. Thank goodness the cute little girl down the street never came by!

Of course these were not the only baths we took. Before school each day we always did the bird bath thing and all summer long I lived like an otter in the nearest clear running stream and at our favorite swimming hole. Many times I even wore my clothes to save granny the time and effort in cleaning them.
According to some medical experts, we Americans are so obsessed with cleanliness that we may be endangering out health.

Exposure to bacteria, they say, helps to develop antibodies to fight disease. Our skin is covered in bacteria that constitutes 'normal flora,' and it is not to our advantage to constantly wash these beneficial bacteria away. For many people a daily bath can do more harm than good.

Beneficial bacteria may be one thing but plain old stinkum is another. Based on the above stated medical theory, the lady at the checkout counter must have been very healthy because she not only carried a load of bacteria on her as thick as fleas (those too probably) but she did a pretty good job of sharing it with others.

No! I think I'll stick with my daily bathing routine. Smelling like an animal may have been good in war and smart when out hunting, but I don't think my wife would like the idea of snuggling up with a real stinker!