HEROES

Most Americans have never experienced the horrors of war. To them, war is like the movies. After leaving the theater they may mutter, "That was awful, or, war must be like hell," but they return to their comfortable homes and soon forget the surrealistic horrors.

For those who have fought and lived and bled the true horrors of war, it is impossible to return home and simply forget or to put it out of your memory.

For many, reliving the death of friends, the blood and carnage, the uncertainty, the bitter conditions, awful screams, ugly smells, adrenaline rushes, abject fear, and the hundreds of faces, both friendly and enemy, as they steadily pass across your inner vision is a constant mortifying challenge.

The medical term is called, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD. Traumatic is the key word in this term.

I have had to mentally relive the uncertain fear, watching as my friends were blown apart, looking on in sadness as a new recruit asks the simple question, "why me?" The ugly screams of the deadly mortars as they came closer and closer while you desperately want to dig a hole to place your head in,  remembering the awful heat, the ripening putrid bodies, and the agony of uncertainty.

The coppery smell of blood, the richness of it as it flowed in your hair, spread over your hand, the blinding flashes of a sudden ambush, the smell of burnt powder, bodily waste, the sound of crying and begging and praying. And these awful memories do not fade with time, they grow clearer, sharper, more and more terrifying, more and more intrusive into your very being.

Some soldiers can never overcome the mental and emotional horrors of war and end their days in the hospital under heavy sedation to keep the awful memories at bay. Many others like myself have fought the second battle, the battle on the home front, when we returned home to face the ghosts that linger in our memories.

For over forty years after my return from battle, I have fought this traumatic fight, and I have not won, the battle goes on. Waking up in the middle of the night, screaming, afraid to go back to sleep, the lingering doubts, the guilt of having committed the ultimate sin of taking another life (lives), reliving and actually re-feeling the actual moments of madness.

Oh yes! The brutal memories are still there, but thanks to help from the Veteran's Outreach Program, and most of all from the Lord Jesus Christ, And the Great Spirit… they have been placed into a deep recessed part of my mind, seldom opened, hopefully hidden safely away forever.

Many unknown heroes have overcome the adversities of war, and through strength of mind and character have overcome the mind numbing horrors that linger long after the action has passed. They carry a burden that few Americans will ever have to carry, and they carry it gently lest it escape and cast them back into the unforgettable depths of a living hell.

Some warriors refuse to access this secret place of memories in fear of the ghosts that linger there. Other old warriors, like myself, have learned to live with the horrors, to overcome the mental trepidations, and to access the good times.

Yes, there are good times as well as bad moments in war. The sharing of friends, the giving, the heroism, the occasional laughter, and the faces you hope to see again in the hereafter.

Part of playing the unwanted role of hero is the unknown suffering that no one knows of, except those who must endure it in silence and eternal grief.