Simplicity was my bliss

Simplicity was my bliss

In the past, things had always been so simple. There was me, my family, my friends, and the constantly revolving world that I so endearingly enjoyed. Complications grew no persistence in my life; and when present, I would do my best to discard of them. I liked my world’s simplicity; the feeling that consistency would always be omnipotent in my life.

But then there was her

One who I thought to believe was my everything. She was smart, beautiful, kind, and most importantly, she had seemingly acquired the same love for God that I share with so few. For a moment, I was happy that consistency had rid itself of me. It was exciting, refreshing to have someone who actually cared for me beyond the bounds of friendship.

But what a bunch of hyperbole

She had done nothing for me. I had been hypnotized; entranced by the young vixen of plastic love and temporary fixation. Never had she cared for me, and never had I cared for her. The feeling that I had felt when holding her has been a charade; a cruel and antagonizing trick that my mind had played upon me.

So there I was

It was not her that I missed, but the feeling of being with someone. She had left me alone to squander in my own disbelief. How could this happen? As I looked around me, I saw so many happy people. I hated them with everything in me! And worst of all, I hated God. Was it fair, that I, a person who had gone throughout his whole entire life of being alone, would be forced by such a tyrant to watch the past reflections of my self?

Of course it was

I was too busy; absorbed with the happenings around me to truly focus on what God had so graciously blessed me with. I was healthy, smart, and on the pathway to a bright and successful future. Was it fair for me to so greatly envy those around me?

But after awhile

I had convinced myself that being with someone was not a necessity. No longer was I jealous of those around me, but instead, I had been instilled with a feeling of pity. I chuckled under my breath, knowing that they would soon face an inevitable heartbreak. This, I thought, made me better. This, I thought, made me superior.

But as luck would have it

When I wanted it the least, it would want me the most. Knocking on my backdoor was you, damp with tears and irreversibly confused. Even as you sat before me, recalling the night that had shattered your hopes and dreams, the forbidden thoughts of companionship drove me insane. It was not God who had forbidden such thoughts, but the people around us; the people who we call our friends.

I would wait

It was not the right time for me to confess such feelings, especially after all that had inflicted you. I had cared for you so dearly; only concerned with your well-being. And as we grew closer, the feeling of disgust and pity towards those who I had once hated began to dissolve; melt away before my very eyes.

And then there was him, and him, and him...

We were best friends, sharing one another’s deepest and darkest secrets. You told me of your past, while I tried to restrict my own for just a little bit longer. You told me of your loves, both the bad and the good. I told you of my one, feeling so ill in comparison. You told me of your crushes, the one’s who had so fortunately captured your attention. I told you of my none, and all except you, of course.

A friend from the past

Within one day, he swept into your life, sweeping you off your feet and away from me. I had waited to long, and as time further progressed, the pressure began to pile upon me. But what was the point? Telling her would only add an ounce of drama, and a pound of unnecessary coincidence.

But I did

I told you unexpectedly, after you had spent your evening with the other. I had been so nervous; so afraid to reveal such feelings to my best friend. My heart was so quick; its beats as rash and as random as the decision I would soon be making.

And to my surprise

You felt the same, but unlike my own, you’re feeling were split. Knowingly, I had placed you into complication. And to make it worse, I became all too comfortable with calling you my own. I became so open, habitually complimenting you on all the attributes that had made my head spin so wildly.

It was wrong

To think that we could have been something more. It was wrong, to consider you a companion in life rather then my best friend. And with honesty, I could say that I was unsure of our future, but never my feelings. But then you clarified, which I so graciously thank you for.

But it was hard

Spending so much time with you while being restricted from calling you my own. I wanted so greatly to hold you in my arms, and to tell you how much I wanted you; how much I needed you.

But it was wrong
And it still is, and it forever will be