New Moon - complications

STORY –

NOTE: Bella has never gone cliff diving. She was driven home in her Chevy by Jacob, completely intact.

My breathing kicked up a notch, sanding the walls of my throat.
Wouldn’t Edward, indifferent as he might be, want me to be as happy as was possible under the circumstances? Wouldn’t enough friendly emotion linger for him to want that much for me? I thought he would. He wouldn’t begrudge me this; giving just a small bit of the love he didn’t want to my friend Jacob? After all, it wasn’t the same love at all.
Jake pressed his warm cheek against the top of my hair.
If I turned my face to the side – if I pressed my lips against his bare shoulder…I knew without any doubt exactly what would follow. It would be very easy. There would be no need for explanations tonight.
But could I do it? Could I betray my absent heart to save my pathetic life?
Butterflies assaulted my stomach as I though about turning my head.
And then, as clearly as if I were in immediate danger, Edwards’s velvet voice whispered in my ear.
“Be happy,” he told me.
And that was enough. Enough to confirm my wondering. Of course Edward would want me to be happy. If he didn’t want the love that had belonged completely to him, surely it didn’t interest him what I did with my shattered heart now.
I turned my head.
My lips pressed against Jake’s warm, bare shoulder.
The butterflies continued to assault my insides.
Jacob took my face in his huge hands, and lifted it to his. His lips against mine felt so unlike anything id ever felt before. They were soft, warm. I felt my own lips melting into his. I pulled my hand up and knotted it through his shaggy black hair, pressing my face harder against his.
After an unmeasurable amount of time, I pulled my face from his, and reality struck. This wasn’t as easy as I had first though. What happened now? Was Jacob my boyfriend? Were things going to be different? I knew Jacob would take my broken heart without a second glance, but was it right for me to let him? Was it unethical for me to be with someone who I could never think of as my true love? My true love was gone. Gone and not coming back. Juliet hadn’t seen her dead Romeo and thought “Well, there’s always Paris.” That was it for her. Without Romeo there was no other, despite how different the love was.
“Jacob, I…”
“Bells, I know it won’t be the same. I know you could never see me the same way you saw him, but I don’t care. It wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t meant to, but it did.”
I couldn’t argue with him on that, but I couldn’t agree either. I needed time to think. Time to get my head around what had happened, and what was still to come. So much had changed.
“I…need to think. I’ll call you okay?”
I opened the passenger door, my legs shaking. As I stepped out of the car, Jacob whispered, “Love you”.
I shut the door.
“Love you to” I whispered so low I wasn’t even sure that I had said it.
And I did love him. More than anything I had in my life right now. I just didn’t know weather that was enough.
I walked through the front door still shaking.
“Bella?” Charlie called.
“Yeah Dad. It’s me” I croaked. I was surprised my voice still worked.
I walked up the stairs slowly; if I had gone any faster I would have fallen over. There was so much to think about, but I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. Thoughts passed through my mind, but I couldn’t seem to land on anything specific. My head was a blur of the thoughts that would determine my future.
When I got up to my bedroom, I through a CD that Phil had given me for Christmas last year into my walkman, and turned up the volume. Loud, as if the music could dissolve the thoughts from my mind. The music didn’t take the thoughts away, but it helped me pull them apart.
I thought back to my earlier thoughts about how Juliet didn’t want another. Such a naïve though! How could I possibly compare myself to Juliet? Everything that had taken place with her and Romeo had been out of the truest of true loves. Neither of them had ever felt differently. Romeo hadn’t up and left Juliet. He had killed himself at the thought of living his life without her. There was equality in there relationship. Nothing was hopelessly out of balance. They saw eye to eye. How could my situation be avoided when I was trying to match myself to someone so unconceivably perfect? The happiness Edward had given me was more than most people experience in any life time but the pain almost outweighed that happiness, because the pain of having such pure bliss ripped away from you, just when you were starting to believe it was yours to keep forever, was more than words could describe. That was my fault though, I thought, to believe someone like him would want to spend forever with someone like me.
I needed to understand now, that that part of my life was gone. The wounds would remain there forever, but with Jacob the pain eased. I thought I deserved that much.
The only problem still remaining was the fact that I was giving Jacob damaged goods. I would never be complete again. I knew that, I knew the wounds wouldn’t ever heal. Was it fair? Jacob would take me, I was certain of that. He would take me without a second thought. But was it right to give myself to such a good soul?
It’s indifferent I thought. If Jacob would take me, and I knew he would, it made us both happy. If it didn’t matter to him that I was so broken inside, then it shouldn’t matter to me, because that part of my life was over. Long gone and never coming back.
I’d managed to convince myself. I felt like the weight of the world had suddenly been lifted from my shoulders. It will be easy I told myself. Of course it would be easy. It was Jacob. My Jacob. The sun that brightened my stormy life.
I turned down my music and lifted my earphones from my head. As I did, I heard the thundering rain pounding down on the roof from outside. The first thing I wanted to do was to call Jacob, to tell him I was coming down tomorrow. There was so much to explain and I knew the right thing to do was talk face to face. I took the CD out of the player to put it back in its case. As I reached for the case something stoped me. An envelope. Light beige and perfect, sitting directly under my window. It looked completely dry, despite the thundering rain coming from outside. It must have been there for a while, how long had I been listening to music? I had so little concept of time these days. Confused, I wandered over to wear the envelope lay. I picked it up from the floor and turned it over.
What faced me on the front stoped my breathing.
Isabella
The personal calligraphy was something I would recognise anywhere. Something I would have walked through fire just to see these last months.
Confused didn’t begin to describe the feeling coursing through me in that instant. My mind had dropped every single thought. Everything blurred together in a haze. Nothing was making sense. I realised then that my whole body was shaking with such a force; if I stood any longer I might collapse.
I stumbled over to my bed, clutching the envelope in both hands.
Hands trembling, I started to rip the clean paper of the envelope open, slowly, as if going to fast might make it disappear.
Not knowing what to expect, I pulled out a piece of perfect white paper folded on half.
I unfolded the paper…
My dearest Bella,
Your face has not left my mind for a single second since they day I left you. Please believe me when I say I left you out of concern for your safety. What I am put you in danger, the one thing I feared most. I thought leaving was what was best, but the pain of being away from you got too much for me to bear. Had any of this not been the truth, I would not be back here tonight. I promised myself that if you looked happy without me, I would leave. If I have assumed wrong, forgive me. Knowing that you are okay would be enough for me.
How I acted was unforgivable, and if you do not wish for me to return to you life, I understand. However, I have seen that you appear to be suffering.
Perhaps it is selfish for me to assume this is as a result of us being apart, but I know that being away from you has caused me pain I never thought I could feel.
If you wish to see me, open your window.
I love you, forever.
Edward.

I couldn’t move fast enough. The only thing going through my mind was that if I didn’t open my window as fast as I possibly could, I might wake up from this unfathomable dream.
I threw my window open with such force the mettle frame shuttered.
I move back to the centre of my room, not knowing what was going on.
I stood there for half a second, and then, he appeared.
My memories had not done him justice. Dripping and glorious from the pouring rain, Edward Cullen stood not 5 feet away from me.
I stood, frozen. Afraid to move, afraid it might all disappear.
My heart accelerated. He was just as perfect as I remembered. But something was different, his liquid topaz eyes seemed…empty. Like something was missing. I wanted so badly to believe that something was me.
I stood, waiting for something I wasn’t sure of.
After a moment of complete stillness, Edward was across the room in instant.
He took me in his arms and pulled my face to his, his lips crushing to mine with more intensity then I ever thought possible. I through my left arm around his back, pressing my whole body against him with all my force. My right hand wound through his bronze hair, gripping it tightly.
He lifted me into his arms, still kissing me, and moved me over to the bed.
“I love you,” he said, in between kisses, “so much”.
I wasn’t sure my voice box was still in working order, but if I was dreaming, I wasn’t going to let myself wake up without telling him.
“I love you to,” I whispered, “more than anything”.
I looked up into his eyes, and they seemed full again.

***
I awoke the next morning gasping. No. I thought. Why now? Why did I have to have such a perfect, unrealistic dream now? When I had finally accepted that the perfection of Edward Cullen was something that I didn’t deserve, something someone like me shouldn’t even be aloud to look at.
I knew what was coming; I was going to fall apart again.
I reached out to grab something, to make a weak attempt to hold myself together, when my hand landed on something cold, and hard. Like the most perfect, unmelting ice statue in the entire world.
I spun my head.
“Are you okay, sweetheart?”
Edward, sitting on my bed, next to me…
He reached out his perfect arms and pulled me to him.
“What’s wrong love?” Concern drenched his voice.
“You…you’re…I wasn’t dreaming…” I broke into sobs.
He pressed his lips to my hair, holding me tighter. He said nothing.
I looked up at him, into his magnificent eyes. He was in pain.
“Bella…there aren’t words to explain how much regret I feel for leaving you. I love you so much, so much. I hate that you could doubt that, that I made you doubt that. I will never forgive myself, if I live to see one hundred thousand years I will never forgive myself.”
As I tried to let his words sink in, a wave of nausea hit me. Jacob. Memories of the previous day flooded into my mind. So much had happened in such a short time, to much. There was too much to take in.
I sat bolt upright.
“Jacob” I whispered.
“Jacob? Jacob Black?” Edward sounded confused.
He wasn’t the only one.
I tried desperately to justify my thoughts from last night, before Edwards return.
I couldn’t love Jacob. Not in the same way, not at all. I must have been, I had to have been, reaching out for something. Reaching for something to help heal the wounds heal. But of course the wounds would have never healed. Nothing was right without Edward. I wasn’t the same without him. Life wasn’t the same without him.
I settled on that, feeling the confusion fade. Reaching out, that had to be it.
But how could I tell Edward that, without him thinking I had been moving on. Where the confusion was gone, guilt spread.
“Edward…I…there was something, last night, with me and Jacob, before you came back, and I thought you would never come back, and I though that maybe if you weren’t going to it would be okay to…but…I don’t love him! It’s not the same!” I broke into sobs once again. Although my words made no sense to me, Edward seemed to understand.
“Bella, if you were ready to move on, you need only to say. Don’t let me stand in your way, please.” His eyes were burning again.
“No!” I growled fiercely “I will always love you, always. I could never move on.”
He pulled me to him once more.
“Not a moment went by when I didn’t see your face, Isabella Swan, not a moment were the pain lessened, never. But my memory did not do you justice. Nothing compares to having you here with me.” He lifted my wrist and took a deep breath, kissing down my arm. “I’ve missed that more than you could imagine”
I chuckled once “I thought that would be the easiest part not to miss”
“Nothing about leaving you was easy. Absolutely nothing.”
I lay still in his arms for a moment, before the thoughts for before filled my mind again.
“I think…I should call Jacob.”
“Hmm. I might go then – give you some privacy, maybe hunt.”
“No!” I shrieked, then realised the volume of my voice, and clasped my hand over my mouth. The thought of him leaving, even just for a moment, had my insides knotting.
Edward looked at me through burning eyes, once again.
“I’m so sorry…” he whispered, then wrapped his arms around me. “Of course I won’t leave you. Of course not.”
I buried my head into his chest, “I love you”.
“As I love you”
Reluctantly, after a long moment, I pulled myself from Edward’s arms.
“Phone” I muttered.
I wound my fingers around his, and we walked down stairs. I didn’t worry that Charlie might be home, because I knew if that where at all possible, Edward would have said so.
Charlie would be one more problem I would have to deal with, but I would deal with it later.
I kept reminding myself about how I really felt for Jacob. Like family, like a brother. If only he was my brother. My real, flesh and blood brother. This problem wouldn’t exist. I would have a perfectly good heart to break…
Guilt churned in my stomach, but I made sure to keep my face smooth. If Edward could see how he felt, he would blame himself. He would think it was his fault that I was faced with such a problem, and Edward didn’t deserve to be in any pain. He was the most pure, good and kind person on the earth. I would bear this on my own.
I stoped at the foot of the stairs. As much as it would pain me to take myself away from Edward, as much as I would fear that when I returned he would be gone, I knew I had to do this on my own. Edward would be able to hear me perfectly well, but I didn’t think I could stand to have him beside me while I explained to Jacob.
“Will you wait? I won’t be long.” I could here the desperate pleading in my voice, and I felt my face flush.
Edward chuckled, and ran a finger over my cheek.
“I’ve missed that, too.” He leaned his face to mine, and murmured against my skin, “Of course I will wait, I’ll do whatever you want me to. I’d bring you the moon if that would make you happy. Anything.”
My heart accelerated
“Let’s not get carried away”, I mumbled, trying my best to keep my breathing even. “I’ll be quick”.
I walked into the kitchen, and picked up the phone.
Billy answered the phone
“Hello?”
“Hey Billy, its Bella”
“Well hey Bella! I’ll just get Jake for you”
His cheery voice left me feeling even guiltier than before. He had no idea.
“Hi Bells”, Jacob’s deep voice said
“Jake…I have to tell you something”
“Yeah?”
The anticipation in his voice churned my insides
“Look, Jake, last night, that was wrong of me. I shouldn’t have acted like that. I’m so sorry. I was reaching out for something, and you – “
“Bella” Jacob cut me off “don’t apologize. I told you, I know it won’t be the same, and I don’t care, honestly I don’t, but it’ll be great. Even you know that…”
“He’s back Jacob” I whispered “Edwards back”.
“Oh, right…”
“I’m so sorry Jake…”
“Sure, sure”, Jacob muttered, and then hung up the receiver.

I stood motionless in the kitchen. I don’t know what I had expected. Of course I knew Jacob would be upset. What I was doing was horrible, but I needed to make things right again. I needed to try, at the very least.
I grabbed my car keys, and in a second, Edward was beside me.
“La Push?” He asked
“Yeah”, I crocked.
I knew Edward wouldn’t be able to come all the way with me, but I needed him for as long as was possible. I didn’t have a plan for what would happen after we got the treaty line.
He took the keys from my hand, and I didn’t object. Edwards driving scared me, but deep down, I knew I was completely safe, and we would get there much faster with him behind the wheel.

We sped down the road, and the closer we grew, the larger the lump in my throat grew. Again, I could bring myself to think about anything specific.
Edward stoped at the treaty line, and spoke for the first time that car trip.
“I’ll wait. Take as long as you need, ill be here when you get back.”
I didn’t say anything. I didn’t think I could.
He got out the drivers door and I pushed myself across, over the gear stick, knowing if I cot out of the car, I’d never get back in.
I drove down the small streets of La Push until I reached the reserve. I knew where Jacob would be.
I walked shakily over to his garage.
Jacob was sitting, his back to me. My Jacob. I hated myself so much for doing this to him.
He spoke before I had a chance to open my mouth.
“Bella, you need to leave. Now.” His voice was pleading, not like he was mad, but like he didn’t want me to see him cry.
“It wouldn’t have worked, Jacob. I need to be with Edward, Jacob. I know you don’t understand, but…”
Jacob turned around to face me
“What was the other night then?” He snapped, “Just something for you to do to fill the time before he came back? How is that fair Bella, tell me? I would have made you so happy. I would never hurt you. You know that. How can your bloodsucker just leave when he feels like it, completely wreck you, leave me to pick up the pieces, and then waltz back in and claim you like he never left!?”
The anger and disgusted in his voice made my blood boil. He was insulting Edward, and he had no idea. He had no idea at all.
“You think he came back and just claimed me? Jacob, he hates himself for what happened!”
“Not as much as I hate him!”
“He left to protect me from him! To keep me safe. Doesn’t that prove that he loves me? Doesn’t that show what lengths he would go to for me?”
These thoughts were brand new in my mind, and I didn’t know where they were coming from, but somehow, the more I thought about it, the more I began to believe myself. What if that was it? If the fact that Edward left showed the lengths he would go to, out of love, to protect me?
Suddenly, while I still felt enormous regret for what I’d done to Jacob, I was, in a way, consoled by my new knowledge that Edward really loved me. I knew my thoughts were selfish, but 8 months of the worst pain unimaginable seemed to disappear in just a moment. I knew I had to try and fix things with Jacob, but I was going to have to tell him goodbye, again, just for the moment.
“Jacob…I know what I did was horrible. I’m so sorry…”
“Yeah, me too” He mumbled, and turned away
I felt tears flood my eyes as I ran towards my truck.
I didn’t know what they were for. Jacob’s pain, which always cut me more deeply than my own, or relief, that the wounds were finally healing, not just easing.