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 |  "All books are either dreams or swords." |
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"All books are either dreams or swords. You can cut, or you can drug, with words." ~Amy Lowell   These are my thoughts on my life and my writing, and how both seem to mix together in an odd confluence of events. I also thought this would be a good place to talk about things I've read both in books and on WDC. Combining all of my addictions all in one place. I warn you now that this will probably make no sense whatsoever and will often times leave you confused. Welcome to my world.  "The soul, secure in her existence, smiles at the drawn dagger and defies its point. The stars shall fade away, the sun himself grow dim with age and nature sink in years, but thou shall flourish in immortal youth, unhurt amid the war of elements, the wreck of matter and the crush of worlds." ~ Joesph Addison The journey continues:
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| Happy New Year! This is my last blog in this blog. It has been a grand journey. The new blog is up if you are at all interested. I will be switching everything over shortly. The entire thing isn't finished - still need the write art and message as it were. The title also needs work. Thanks, btw, to LoneKrampuswolf  for the suggestions.  I'll still be tormenting you with my ramblings. Mwahahaha! So go check it out. Really...like right now. Go. Embrace my insanity.  The journey continues:
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| This was suppose to be spread out over the course of a couple of days, but then this is me we're talking about. If I have time I'll be posting one more post this evening before we switch over to a new year. I'll also be switching over to a new blog as well so please hang in there with me on this. I didn't formally write a "Dear Me" letter this year. However, there is an informal list somewhere stored in my head. This coming year I foresee some big changes in my life. A bit scary but I'm looking forward to jumping right into them. Screw safety. I'm jumping in with a full body slam. Time is precious and I don't want to waste it on "What Ifs". I already broke down my next semester in a previous post so I have family and professional work to still lay out for the world to see. ((Family)) My family is, well, my family. They're crazy to the core. There are so many issues floating out before us its not even funny. However, as my nieces and younger siblings grow older I'm reminded that I'll be passing the torch in a sense in the next couple of years. My future is still unwritten, but theirs is barely forming. I want to be there when they make the big leap into exploring new things. B wants to borrow my old violin to learn to play. I think that's a fantastic idea, and I have a feelings she'll fall in love with music just like I did at her age. R has picked up her mother's creative flow. She's blooming into a bright young girl. Plus, she's a nutty as the rest of us. Its a great thing to watch. I also get to see my little brother in a few hours. That little man is growing up faster than I want him to. I remember holding him in my arms when he was just an infant. Once, when we had this weird family outing to the beach, I carried him for three miles of walking to seemingly nowhere. I was in all intents and purposes a stranger to him, but he just smiled and "talked" with me for those couple of hours. Now he's almost taller than I am and smarter than me. I hardly know what to do with him, lol. ((Professionally))) Bloody hell, I need to write more. My writing has faded into very little these past few months. School tends to drain the creative crap out of me. But that's no excuse. I just freaking need to write more. I don't want to set a goal how to how much necessarily per day. That will just bug the living crap out of me. Instead, I hope to hit a goal of how many hours I write per month. I figure I need to sit down and put fingers to keyboard for fiction (blogging won't count here) for a least an hour a day. That's thirty hours a month, which is nothing. I just need to write. There are a few short stories I'd like to put down, and a few poems I'd like to get others opinions on. I also need to edit my damn NaNo project. I haven't finished it, but I've also don't have the same mentality for it either. I need to get back with my characters and back with the flow of the story. Editing will help with that. Coming up with a concise order of how I want it to flow. I figure I would post the first five chapters to see what everyone's reaction is. I'm doing NaNo again this coming year. I'm going to win this time, too. Hehehehehehe.... There are a couple of other novel/novella ideas floating in my head as well. I'm thinking of just writing them as I go along. A few months back I created a writing blog to place different scenes I have floating around in my head. I haven't used it much, if at all. My goal is to write in it at least once a week starting in 2010. This way my ideas won't bust my head or fly away. If its possible, my stuff has gotten darker. Don't know where that came from, but I'll float with it for the moment. CAMPFIRES. For the love of the gods and all that is holy, I need to get back up to pace with my damn campfires! I miss them. They were my introduction into WDC. I'm become a piss-poor participant when it comes to campfires over this past year. Used to be I freaking checked to see if anyone had updated every couple of hours. Now I'm lucky if I can get to the campfire page once a week, let alone write an entry. I need to revamp my own as well as get many of them much needed ones written and done. There are a couple of others I want to start as well. I miss that feeling of a good campfire bringing friends together. I need to get back to that writing place in my head. I'm also thinking of starting a writing group. A small group made up of about seven or eight people that will focus on creating a storyverse together to help with world-building skills. Basically, we create a time and a place together along with characters of which we'll write the parts for. Not just main characters, but community characters and plots as well. We'd all work on short stories of our characters as well as a campfire to bring everything together. I've been mulling this over for a while, but I finally think I have the structure in which to create it. I've already got a recruit. Now I just need to build the framework. Contests. Enough said. Need to enter more of them as well as keep up with my own. I'm opening the Elementalist again on Sunday. I have some reviews to do, but this weekend will provide me with some time I think. I also need to finish up my other contest. That one was suppose to be done months ago. I think I need to bring in a judge to help with proceedings because I want to start another round soon. Some serious spring cleaning needs to happen. Also, review-review-review. <-----Guess what I need to do here. So, that's it for the goals. I've bombarded myself with them as always. They will come to blossom if I have to go without sleep for the next few months. There's just so much to do with so little time. Damn it, lol. I'm kicking my own ass. This will be a good year. 2010 - here I come.  |
| I will come back later to reminisce about the past and future goals. Right now I thought I would post before I go to get my niece for the night. She's growing up, that one. I shudder to think what life will be like once she turns 15. Beautiful and charming, she will wrap everyone around her finger because she also has the brains of a genius. If she weren't so cute I think she would one of those people who evilly plots to take over the world in her sleep. The night is going to be pretty low-key, which will be nice as I have tons of things to do before I hop on a bus tomorrow. Last minute plans again, lol. I hope to get my reviews in for the month and do the additions I promised. Plus, I need to get packed and wrap presents to send things out in the mail tomorrow before I head off to B-town. She's an early to bed, early to rise type of person so it should be fine. The baking event last night was something. Some things didn't turn out while others went well. I tried some new recipes. It'll be interesting to see what tonight brings as well. I'm going to teach my niece to bake some basics like chocolate chip cookies. I think she'll get a kick out of it. It's also raining here, which will make a good night for me. I love the rain so much its insane. Something happened during pregnancy with me because I love the rain and stormy weather more than I like sun and clear skies. Summers kill me half the time with all the damn sun. As you can tell, me and Southern California don't always get along. I've also decided on a new blog name. Thanks to my darling friend Lone, I'll be putting that up on the first and starting over from scratch. The goal is to type more in my blog about random things. If nothing else than to get my numbers up for writing. Next year I'm going to kick ass at NaNo. This will help...at least I think so. Anywhoozle, I'm off to get my munchkin girl. Hope everyone is enjoying their night, and I'll be back again soon. 
Check out these activities: "The Elementalist Contest"  "Funk E. Signature Shoppe" "Invalid Item" |
| To those who have passed - you will always be in our hearts. I've lost many this year. Some were acquaintances that made such a vast impression, the know they are gone strikes a pain to the chest. Others were loved ones that were connected by bond and blood. And others still who were always in the background until their journeys came to an end. Each one is heartfelt. Each one was some unforgettable. My mom got a call from my Aunt D the other day. They've been friends since birth. Literally. Growing up next-door neighbors in a small Michigan town, they did everything together, including have infant pictures taken together. Through everything, not matter how much time has passed, they come together to see each other through the hard times. The look on my mom's face when she got the call went through the motions of happiness, laughter, and despair. You see Aunt D is not only my mom's probably best friend in the world but they're also godsisters making her family. That's just how it works with us. And my Aunt D lost her brother about two weeks ago to cancer. My mom remembers growing up with them. He went fast and the arrangements were spur of the moment. Cancer has traveled from his lungs to his brain after a six month remission. He went peacefully however, which is something my mom and Aunt D were most thankful for. The phone call lasted about four hours straight. They caught up and mourned together a man who had struggled through life and addiction before coming back around to be the best man he could. He built things with his hands and smiled whenever he could. And when everyone found out that Aunt D's dad was in the hospital, he flew home to take care of the house and his dad before he too became too ill to look over things. The sad part about everything is that their father passed away yesterday after a long battle with emphysema. Two weeks after his son had passed. When my Aunt D called again so soon my mom knew what had happened. The plans for his funeral were quick, and my mom was unable to head back home to see him rest. However, in true Celt fashion, the family is dealing with the death with a deep sense of gallows' humor. They laughed and joked while the tears poured down their cheeks. Its how we deal with the loss of someone. We make light of the situation so the pain doesn't consume us. After the call we said a prayer for those who passed. I know while I'm away my mom will most likely go to mass. There are some things too ingrained to let go. I'll probably stop by St. Mary's while I'm in town as well. I'm not fully Catholic, but my soul I know can rest there hoping that these much-loved people are in a better place. I can't help but think of all who have gone before. Even here on WDC we've lost so many of our dear members. It brings to mind how fragile life can be, and how much we can bond over shared interests. They easily become family, and to lose family is to lose a piece of ourselves. Rest In Peace, dear friends. |
| It is officially the day after Christmas, and I'm looking toward the new year already. Over the course of the next couple of days I hope to plot out some things that might be happening with me - educationally, family-wise, and professionally (meaning here of WDC). Then, of course, you've got to look back on all that has happened and end it with a "Dear Me" Letter. And as the finishing finally, I'll be switching my work over to a new blog while retiring this one here. Sounds like a plan, right? ((Educationally)) Most of my grades for this past semester have come in with one remaining. I have aced it. I shouldn't say I though. I had poking and prodding and encouragement from those closest to me. When lack of faith came, I turned to my mom for comfort. When lack of ability came, I turned to my guy for encouragement and a swift kick if necessary. Its funny how you don't really see how much you love and are loved until you get into a situation where you need them or vice versa. Its a beautiful system.I'm actually taking an extra course this semester, but I think it will only bring me good things. Along with my regular course load I'll be learning the ancient techniques of Tai Chi Ch'uan, which I hope will help me learn to better relax. LOL I freaking need to learn how to better meditate or my heart won't be able to handle the strain anymore. Or my lungs. Or my brain. It should be interesting though. I remember when I used to drive into San Francisco with my mom and we'd pass the parks where the older folks were having their morning rituals. It seemed so peaceful. Hell, maybe I can achieve that too. I'm also doing a good blend of General Education requirements with classes I want to take. It wouldn't be surprising if I have way more credits than necessary when I transfer into a four-year university simply because I can't just taken gen. ed. by itself. Way too boring. I need something that stimulates the mind as well. Supposedly, this is what makes me something called a Scanner. My godmother Lissa told me this. Who really knows? lol Here is the list for next semester: Tai Chi Ch'uan Math 251 Cultural Anthropology Biological Anthropology Lab Women in Contemporary Society American Government The last two are online, so that gives me way more time at home. Plus, the lab and Women in Society won't start until February while the others start mid-January. I think this will be a good mix going only to class on Tuesday and Thursdays. It gives me a day break in between and a long weekend. I'm happy with the schedule at the moment, but then again, things are bound to change. Such is life, no? Hope everyone is still feeling the holiday sensation. |
| Merry Christmas everyone! Christmas at my house has been postponed until Sunday. Nothing too bad, just a new idea for the holiday season has cause my brother's family to be overrun. We talked about it, and decided it was better that dinner would be better when there was no rush and no exhaustion (he works for USPS). I almost had to hit him over the head to get him to understand common sense. He sounded so tired, and I can imagine my SIL and niece feel the same as well. Merriment happens when you wish it to. Christmas will hold for another couple of days. Talked to my twice today. He's in a good mood, even with the weirdness of splitting the holiday between being home and my stepmother's family. Although I miss my siblings up north and my dad, I am so happy not to be there, lol. Too much drama. I'll be going up for New Year's having this time at home is awesome. Got a text message from my estranged brother. Sounded happy from it and I texted back as always. There's been funky things happening with him. My brother was so put together, at least on the outside, for so long taking care of niece B. However, after talking with her other grandmother and my former SIL it sounds like he's been blowing off holidays and visitation. This is such a turn from full custody he had a little over two years ago. I'm tripping out just a little. But where ever he is I hope he's having a little bit of joy with him. I'll be getting neck deep in cookies tomorrow. I plan of making a ton of cookies for my guy. That's what he wished for. I will deliver and it should be there by New Year's with all luck. *rubs hands with devilish grin* My chocolate chippers will entrance him to me and he will be mine forever. Mwahahaha! *coughs* Ummm, I really hopes he likes them.  Today has been a pretty laid back day with my mom. We're currently cooking dinner together, which is awesome. I love holidays with my mom. There's such a spirit she brings to everything. We have our little tree lit. We're watching Chris Botti live, something I got her for Christmas. Shrimp is currently sauteing in the chicken as I type. Home for the Holidays. May the holiday, whatever you may be celebrating this season, bring you cheer and joy and a smile. From my family to yours. Happy Holidays! |
| I've decided that by the end of 2009 I will be writing in a new blog. I know, the thought of writing some place else is hurting me too (insert sarcasm here). No, really, in all seriousness writing someplace else will be difficult. Me and this here blog have been pals for quite some time. Here is where we've had our ups. Here is where we've had our downs. It seems only right that I give her a moment of rest and peace, where she will sit prominently in my personal folder. Kind of like a retirement home for blogs. The next title will have to be something I can live with for at least a year. I could take another choice quotation for my notebook (yes, I am one of those people who write down random quotes in a notebook; sue me.) Something could definitely jump out at me. I was also thinking of providing a picture in here, then thought better of scaring people away. You didn't do anything, why punish you with that? I could also use an image from the net to be featured front and center. I still remember purchasing my current sig gracing the front - just kind of fell into my lap and I've been grateful since. Thanks Reyah  , btw.The one thing I hope for this blog is that I can be as honest as possible with the entries as I have been in the past. I was thinking about joining a blog contest or two this year to keep things new and flowing. All of my other sore attempts at blogging other sites has pretty much died. There is no energy, no will to write there. Here, at least, I can vent and ramble with the occasional comment now and then. I'm the most me when I'm here. So if anyone has any quotes, pics, ideas, music and such over the next week or so, please feel free to drop a line here. If I use your idea, I'll feature you at the top of my new blog with the credit you deserve. |
| I am almost finished with the semester! By midnight tomorrow night I will be finished, and I will finally be able to sleep without nightmares of deadlines and sources and all of that crazy madness! I will be jumping for joy the moment that Monday comes around. My God, my first full semester, and I almost didn't make it. But I made it, damn it! For better or for worst, I'm still standing. I'm still breathing on my own. Except for a course of antibiotics, I haven't had to take heavy-duty drugs to keep me going once. Ha! Take that my jacked-up pulmonary system! Okay, so I'm a little weird, yelling at my lungs like that. However, after the struggles we've gone through we each other, it having the occasional squabble is allowed. We've gone to the mattresses a few time, my lungs and I. Its one of those situations where at some point one of us is going to win. I'd like to stick around for a while, so I have the determination factor on my side. Plus, they need me to live too to cause me torment. I have three papers left the hand in tomorrow. I'll be working most of the night on these. My last all-nighter for a little while. I'm kind of happy about this. Before, when I didn't feel like falling asleep every five minutes, I could do all night at the drop of a pin. It might be because this isn't something I necessary want to do, but have to do to get where I'm going. This isn't about my writing skills. This isn't about my friends or my family or my love. This is about my future. So I have to bite the bullet and get it done. Just seems a little harder with that kind of motivation. So, I'm writing to signal the end. I'm giddy. |
| At the moment I am procrastinating. Well, I'm completely sick to my stomach, so maybe procrastinating isn't the right word. I am, however, trying my best to finish up two of my final papers before six tonight so maybe there's a little procrastination in there. My parting gift from this past weekend was a whopping case of a cold/stomach flu. I'm tired, slightly cranky, stuffy as hell, spewing everything but my shoes, pale, feverish, cranky, stressed, fuzzy in the brain, my muscles ache like a S.O.B., did I mention cranky? So I've been downing green tea to substitute the lack of sustenance in my system. The funny things is, when I'm drinking it, I'm a little melancholy. But when I'm not, I'm bitchy. Seriously, there seems to be no middle ground today. Hopefully, my final later on tonight will not be a complete bomb. To better illustrate my feeling I've provided to music videos today, both by Flyleaf. The first is when I'm ingesting green tea. The second is when I'm not. What can I say, I'm moody. Join in the chaos. |
| One of the assignments I have to finish for one of my Psych classes involves getting an interview from a professional in the chosen psychological career we've chosen to research. First off, I suck at conversations on the phone. It was only a couple of years ago that I didn't have to work up the nerve to call the doctor to make an appointment or call the pizza guy for dinner. So the idea of giving an interview with a psychological professional scared (scares) the living crap out of me. But its an important part of the paper. Had to do it and bite the bullet. Dr. Z was a very nice woman, giving her time while struggling a move from NY to Florida with a little baby in tow. She gave her answers honestly, and as an professional she was very kind for my lack of interviewing skills as I tried my best not to sound like an uncoordinated high school student. I learned a great deal, and have ample information to place into my paper. She's originally from Canada, so her view of things from the other side was definitely refreshing in terms of education and how behind/ahead the American justice system is in terms of competence and such. I also figured out a few things while doing the interview. 1) I will probably hold off applying to the FBI at the moment. Yes, my goal for the past couple of years has been to apply to the bureau and work in their behavioral analysis unit. The idea came from a friend of my uncle's, a passing comment that stuck with me for some time. However, considering where help is needed more in Forensic Psychology plus the life drain it puts on people, I really don't want to have to choose between my family and my work, not when I don't have to yet. 2) Working as a competency analyst in Civil Court would probably kill me emotionally. The idea of me having to chose where a child is placed in a custody hearing scares me more than a bullet. What if the information I receive is wrong, and the child is hurt in the process? Mentally, I don't think I have the armor for that yet. 3) Becoming a professor isn't looking too bad. I was worried about becoming a professor simply because of the publish-or-perish quality. However, looking at all the stressors I think that one would probably keep me away from the dark and gloomy side for a while. All in all, the interview was a good experience, I just need more practice...which sounds so painful at the moment, lol. |
| I am so screwed. Does anyone have a time machine? Know how to stop time? Multiple oneself into several copies for work? Have the number to some of Santa's elves? No? Damn it. |
| The final weeks of school have begun. I'm neck-deep in final papers, not including finals, that I'm doing my best not to think about. Unfortunately, I think about it all the time. I woke up in the middle of sleep last night and said, and I quote, "What the fuck am I going to do?" For a simplistic breakdown of what due in the next few weeks: International Relations: >Policy Points for MUN talks - DUE: Tuesday, December 8th >Foreign Policy Paper (6-8 pp.) - DUE: Friday, December 11th online >FINAL - Wednesday, December 16th @ 6:15 PM SPSCP - Psych 189: >Power Point Presentation - DUE: Monday, December 7th >Final Paper (>10 pp.) - DUE: Wednesday, December 16th by 7:00 PM Abnormal Psych: >Vignette 10-12 - DUE: Tuesday, December 15th >FINAL - Tuesday, December 15th 5:15 @ PM History of Chicanos: >Paper on "Bordering Fires" (2-3 pp) - DUE: Sunday, December 13th >Paper on "Ex Mex" (2-3 pp) - DUE: Sunday, December 13th >Final Paper on class themes (6-8pp) - DUE: Sunday, December 20th >Discussion Board Postings - DUE: Sunday, December 13th Cross Cultural: >FINAL - Thursday, December 10th @ noon >Final Paper/Presentation - DUE: Sunday, December 20th >Extra Credit Essay - DUE: Thursday, December 10th So what am I doing right now? I'm procrastinating. My mind is still coming around from the holidays and all the upcoming holiday nonsense. I've decided to dedicate my Thursday to campfire writing. Tomorrow I'll be heading to the library and studying and getting all that pesky research under my wing. Then comes the outlining and prepping and everything else involved with this madness.Below I chose a song that I found by accident about a month ago, and it really inspired some scenes in my NaNo. The sentiment seemed to leak over into my mental state as well, thus the title of the blog. Click and enjoy. |
| To call me a novice when it comes to anything involving Japanese animation would be an understatement. Don't get me wrong, I dig it, I just don't know very much about. My first step into the anime pond began when I started writing campfires here in WDC. The funny thing about that was I didn't know that it was a major influence in the plot lines. It was only later when talking with fellow writers and friends glarkks and Zephyr Shenkiken did I see where their inspiration came from. (BTW, these are two kick ass writers. Check out their ports and be awed by their writing.)The person who really put a foot to my back and shoved, however, was my friendly tormentor LoneKrampuswolf . (He's a master writer, but I've flaunted his writing talents plenty in my blog ) He introduced me to Bleach, which I was addicted to for quite some time. He would send me emails with videos embedded with different shows he watched and recommended. I once was virtually smacked on the hand for attempting to watch a show but not at the beginning. I was drawn in to the plots and the twenty-three minutes segments.My watching however took a hit once school started again last Fall. Barely had time to stream what I could online to keep up. It wasn't until Monday that I got the idea to watch something different other than traditional television on hulu.com because the winter break has started for my shows, and for once I'm completely caught up. The first one I watched was a show called Descendants of Darkness. I have to say that I was confused by that show the entire way through. I had no idea what the hell was going on half the time. But I watched it to the end. Couldn't help with really, it was weirdly fascinating. Next, I watched a couple of Vampire Knight episodes. That was intriguing. It was weird as well but had that intriguing factor that made me continue to watch. I was also picking up a pattern of antagonist/protagonist appearances and such. Developed a bit of theory which is still the making but I became hooked to watching more shows. Watched the entire first season of Ghost Hunt. It had an awesome mix of humor and horrific themes. If there's a second season I look forward to watching it, as I was really into that show, if that makes any sense. I can already tell that if I told Lone he'd think me a dork. Alas, good sir, I am a dork extreme. Caught the first five episodes of Death Note. Very interesting, very different. I'm not sure much I'll get into this series, but I've heard good things about it. The main character is a trip, and I imagine that will only continue as he works down his path. So, as I enhance my anime education, if there are any suggestions as to what I should watch next, I would be more than happy to hear your opinions. This winter break I hope to catch up on some movie/tv watching so please drop me a comment as to what your opinion is. |
| The final hours of NaNo have arrived. After I finish counting and writing around 11 o'clock my time I should be a couple thousand over 30,000. Not bad in my estimation. I'm okay (mostly) with not making it to the ultimate goal. Writing in such large quantities is extremely new to me. The mental drain alone was something of a life-altering experience. In the end I'm happy with how far I've gone, and what will be there in the future. My goal for December is to try and finish a very, very first rough draft of it. Once I finished up the semester (three weeks, Holy Hell) I'll have about a month of off-time before I head back into the swing of things. During that time I'll have more time to breath and write, and be in more a clear mental mind space than I was before. I take full responsibility for not making it to 50,000. There are reasons why it was hard, but those are only details not excuses. All I know is that I accomplished something I hadn't been able to do before. I might even get a novel out of it. Maybe one day in a blue moon I'll even try to get it published. I'm just happy to get the words out on paper. Purging the soul in a way. Over the next few weeks I hope to combine everything I have, and submit the first few chapters here on WDC. I'd like to know where I need work, if the characters are fleshed out enough to be readable, and if people would like to continue on with the story or if I should start over from scratch. Much of what I've written is bad, lol. But I want to improve as much as possible. That's the only way to learn. The NaNoWriMo experience all in all has been enjoyable. I feel better having participated, and look forward to the next year. Now I know what I need work on performance wise, and what I'm good at when the time comes. Like wine, the process will get better with age, I hope. There's a similar contest in May that I'm thinking about trying. My living situation will be different, one I've been looking forward to for some time, and hopefully the process will be one I can with the people around me. I have tons of other stories that need exorcism. This could be a way of doing that. Final Conclusion - NaNaWriMo is awesomeness. |
| Today was definitely one of those day, and I am glad to be back home. The morning took a big turn the moment I checked out of the hotel. Notably, I got into a fight with my father in front of my sisters and little brother, which was not the way I wanted to end things with them. The fight was an extension of something entirely not the center of the emotions, but the overflow came my way, and after a bad night sleeping I didn't act in the best of ways. Luckily, the heavy emotional turmoil didn't last the entire trip although I ended up down a drink at lunch (Note To Self: never have alcohol with a messed up stomach). The rest of the trip back was on much better terms, and we ended up back where we began. One thing I notice about people I love is there comfortable laying out their feelings on me. When I was little this was somewhat disturbing as I had no place to describe what was happening. As I got older I realized that people unloaded their problems on me because I didn't hold it against them, and usually was able to work out what was really bothering them. I don't necessarily enjoy this aspect of relationships, but find that before I can put the brakes on the compulsion, the troubled person has already begun to burst. At that point all that is left is to batten down the hatches and weather the storm. I was dead on my feet the moment I got home. I logged on then past out for a couple of hours. Interactions like these usually have me absorbing whatever the person is feeling, working it out, and sending it back - if that makes any sense. It damn process is draining as all hell. The dreams after weren't as joyful as I could have wanted, but that seems to be the norm nowadays. Where is a good fluffy bunny dream when you need one? The one thing about leaving for more than a couple of days is that coming home feels so different. My room doesn't feel like MY room. It feels like a hole with a bed and some stuff I remember putting in there. I have to reclaim in a sense, but that usually takes a couple of days. I just want it to be mine again, damn it, lol. I'll end this with - I don't feel normal. I feel very, very odd. At least more than usual. I'm currently drinking a cup of coffee, painfully aware of the scar tissue lining my lungs, wondering what the hell happened with the day. Tomorrow will be better. Has too, right? |
| So I've come to the realization that I won't make 50k this year. There are too many obstacles and other obligations that have prevented me from striving for the whole enchilada - the biggest being myself. I didn't manage my time as I should have, and let my mind wander way too much. Next year will be better, I'm sure of it. Don't get me wrong, I'm going for all the gusto I can will its still November, just not going to get past the finish line this time. Weirdly enough, I'm okay with that. I feel good with where my story is headed and I think I can hammer it out better in May. My character Margot as really grown, on me and as a person. Over the course of time she's gone from denial - reluctant acceptance - balancing - to really wanting the role she was given. Anyways, I'm currently on a major dose of Benadryl for allergic reaction I had earlier so I'm a little tired, making this brief. Still everyone hang in there. |
| The holiday haze came a day early. It was somewhat to walk on a nearly desolate campus yesterday. I'm used to seeing people walking around all the time, holding study sessions out on the tables or smoking cigarettes way too close to the building doors. There were two guys smoking - that's it. Bunnies outnumbered people today. Arriving in class was even better. A third of my classmates were missing. Everyone was counting the minutes until the three-hour class was up, including our professor. It is to this I credit the fact that my presentation rambled as it did. I was horrible, lol. I didn't look at anyone, rambled on about unimportant facts, and was almost cut off for going over. Still, I think I pulled off what I needed for credit. Yeppy. Everything is booked for my travels tomorrow. I'm excited, I'm anxious, and a little lonely. The first two are understandable. The third...not so much. Its hard to explain really. The easiest way (which makes me a little sappy) is that I'll be away from my guy, and I'll miss him. Our time together has been pretty choppy for the past couple of months. We've tried as hard as possible to talk everyday but life seems to step on our toes a lot. Plus, I've been overly girly lately which is freaking me out some. For example, I watch Criminal Minds on my computer tonight after class and nearly burst into tears. The wife of one of the main characters dies in a horrific way and he had to listen her as she was killed. For such a controlled man, he literally let's go of everything to rescue his son. Still was really emotional and heartbreaking and I nearly was reduced to waterworks and in the back of my head I was wondering, "what the hell is wrong with you?". I don't cry at movies or television shows or really ever. Still freaks me out how emotional I've been. Well, I'm off to finish packing and hop in the shower and meditate. I'll post later about my adventures into the family dinner. Should be an interesting day. I can already tell. Oh, BTW, my ultimately awesome mentor and sponsor Gothic Angel gone gave birth to a baby girl! From what I understand from the different posts online is that both are doing very well. Great job, Kristy! |
| Today was the first time this semester I've missed my Abnormal Behavior Class. There's a good reason - I'm knee-deep in sinus congestion. Its really weird, actually. Last night I experienced a few sniffles, but nothing too bad. Then this morning I woke up and felt as if the sinus infection fairy had decided to pay me some extra attention. This was a "what the hell?" moment only to be told that I look like I had been hit by a garbage truck. Oh joy. On the side of caution I didn't go to class because I'm afraid I'm contagious. Since the H1N1 scare my college has been cracking down on sick kids. If you look the least bit sick then you are stared at like a mass murderer. I spared everyone the pain and agony of having me blow my nose every ten seconds and stuck it out at home. Good news, if I want to look at the positive, I might get a good chunk of my work done. I have a presentation about the conflict in Fiji to present tomorrow, but other than that I'm floating good on time. If I can get over feeling like roadkill I can use this to my advantage. Here's to hoping my antibiotics will kick in soon. *fingers crossed* Today is my niece's birthday today. B just turned nine years old and its freaking me out. She's already close to my height, she's incredibly smart and funny, and she's one of the most laid-back kids I've ever known. My only regret is not being able to see her and wish her a happy birthday in person. I haven't seen my girl in over a year, and my conversations with her have been few given the situation between me and her father (my older brother). I just hope I don't miss too much more than I already have. Christmas might be just the holiday to turn things around. To add something interesting to this very odd day, I got a call from my uncle. Its hard to explain without family history, which is probably something you'd rather not hear. Let me put it to you this way, if I could describe my dad and his brothers I would say (oldest to youngest) my father is the "Black Sheep", my Uncle P (the one who called) is the "Dependable One", and my Uncle B is the "Fun One". Don't get me wrong, Uncle B is cool, its just that we haven't had much contact. To get a call and an offer of a ride to Thanksgiving dinner was surprising and heart-felt. I was really moved by the gesture, and look forward to seeing everyone on Thursday. Its odd. I having this growing feeling of longing building inside me. God only knows why. I just can't help myself from checking my messenger and the time and waiting for someone to show up. Who knows, maybe I'm losing my mind. Still, even with the congestion, I'm still a leaf in the wind. |
| I made it to 26.2% over the weekend, a little over a quarter of the way there. To be honest it doesn't feel like a quarter of work. Maybe its the way I'm writing it, or maybe its just that this is a much longer piece than I anticipated. I figure I'll be working on this long after NaNo is completed. Even it its a festering turd (it is) I'm going to finish the entire thing until I'm satisfied everything is said. A new mental deadline has been established in my head. I hope to have the entire thing finished by my anniversary. Haha, my guy will be thrilled by the news. There's a competition in May that's almost exactly like NaNoWriMo, except, well, in May. I figure that I'll keep on with the idea and write the next story in what I imagine will be a series of different tales. There are some other ideas I want to flesh out as well. They're flying high now that I have the writing bug within me. Not as scared as I once was. One of my big goals is to hit 50% by Thanksgiving. I may be going out of town for the weekend, which should make things interesting. I also have a presentation on Wednesday that I have to churn out, plus the thesis statement for my paper in International Relations. All and all thought I'm feeling okay besides some sneezing and fatigue. I think this is a doable accomplishment. I am a leaf in the wind. Just have to make it to next Tuesday is all. |
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lol Catch ya later friend.
