It will bleed when you remember

It will bleed when you remember, in life; they're just some things that are too painful to remember. It will linger like a haunting spirit trying to find closure. Is it the guilt, resentment or maybe just sadness from a sense of failure? Either way, a piece of you is missing. A piece you can't ever get back. A petal fallen from the bud of a flower; never looking the same. A life event that cut so deep it left a scar, a wound that is healing, but when you remember it's like picking a scab, and it bleeding again.
Every experience is a lesson learned it makes you stronger, that's what I've heard all my life. But sometimes you’re tired of being strong. Sometimes you still feel alone because you’re the only one that can understand those feelings. No one can grieve with you the pain that you feel in your heart. Your smiles cover up your disappointments. Those failures reflect an event in life, not the person you are and if you just keep trying at it maybe this time you can get it right.
“You just can't quit; at least not now.” That’s what I tell myself.
So the question is. How do I forget? The answer, you don't. No matter how many years have passed, you've just learn to deal and live. Every event will be a distant memory good or bad. The skill is not letting those events control your world.
Today, on the news there was a storm watch. The dark clouds were hovering over my roof. The rain drops on my window pane reminded me of all the tears I've cried all my life.
Here people prepare when there is a storm alert. The stores are swarmed by consumers making their final purchases in preparation. We call our loved ones and make sure they are safe. We prepare for these storms, so we're ready safe.
Life is like those storms with its troubles, and when it catches us by surprise sometimes you have to look beyond the circumstances to see the bigger picture which is purely an undertaking for you to pull strength to get through the matter, in addition to realign your mind to focus and overcome life’s objectives. It’s you choosing to find a solution to cause your life to shift into the direction you tell it to.
You’re probably reminiscing how you got through your most difficult moments. Who was there? What inspired you? When you’ve gained confidence to take a step towards better days? Or perhaps you have remained sleeping; actually you adapted a circumstance that you’re not. You gave up your power. Some of us are so used to the pain in life we keep it as a pet. I did that for many years. I kept my pain as a pet. I feed it, loved on it, took care of it. I expected it there to greet me every day because it was all I have known. I was numb to life.

Like my purse it got bigger and heavier over the years. The funny thing is that in my purse I didn’t need everything in it. Nobody needs to keep hurt as a pet or purse. I’m the expert of not letting go. But soon, we must cut from the puppet master that masters our movements.
So, I pictured my life as a garden. And when the weeds would come out I would pull them out and throw them away. Your weeds can be, bad relationships, addictions, anger, fear, depression, I believe I did the same with my hurt. I became the victim, and you can’t blame the victim. However you can blame the victim when they don’t change what is around them. Where are you now?
Some people wished they were a child again. Usually most children don’t have to suffer from pain. Everything is pure, innocent and trusting. A child’s heart is open and vulnerable to love and they are no worries. And then some people wished to fast forward their childhood because someone close had stripped them from the innocence of being a child.
Everyone has a story. All my life I’ve been creating my story. Some chapters are from my choices and others were chosen for me.

Speaking of it being chosen for me, were my parents. Mom cried a lot when I was young. She would cry because my dad would not be home. She would stand by the window staring outside our third story family home checking if he got home yet. He was late, like every night so the dinner she prepared was cold.
One thing, I didn’t understand was why she would cry when he wasn’t home. If anything she should’ve been celebrating her break. Because when he was home he wasn’t my favorite person. When he did come home he would pick fights, hurt her and wake up hell and heaven with his fists.
I would hide underneath the dining room table crying. He would manipulate me and bribe me with ice cream so that I can tell him what mom did all day. In that house, peace was absent, protection was a stranger and learning to love came with practice.
This was my family and how does a 4 year old make a grown up decision that they would never want this life in any relationship. I did.
Growing up relationships came in many forms. I’ve witnessed the women in my family hurt. They all had some story. They would were their bruises like it was the new makeup trend. They had no outlet; no voice, they gave up their identity to be submissive to some narcissistic jerk off.

Settling in my premature heart was all the burden I carried from their pain. These women were jewels, Tarnished jewels.
I always believed that a woman’s love is a unique gift and talent. If could paint her love in a picture it would be a waterfall, unable to source its beginning or its end.

"Papi, Look, pretty ! " I'm excited, As I showed him my clear polish on my fingernails.

within seconds tears fill my eyes with pain, I look at my thumb and saw the blood left from his bite mark.
"Don't ever paint your nails again "! he said.

The disconnection settles as you realize that the one who supposed to protect and love you, can't be trusted and your heart walks away feeling betrayed.

A child only knows two things. what's good and whats bad. He was a bad man, father, husband, soon the curtains on stage will close and his show will be over. And his presence will be one that is not missed.

On a Hot summer day, Mom took me for the car ride. She looked for my dad all day. Drove by his cliche of friends at the park. Where's Hector?

(hitting shoe at car there's an estranged woman in passenger.
never saw you again.


glimpses of you


Jail gusess you couldnt pull the shit on this bitch , like you did mom huh... you swore you were found and changed in the half way house I'd visit you at. you gave birth to another sister Jennifer. Jenny that I found out about her on my death bed with appendicites in 1994. only in picture the truth came out. she was same age as my other lil sis and what a shitty way to find out I even had another sister.

I swear grandpa Piedra prayed for my miracle of life again. It was like he was gone after his prayers saved my death.
what would he say of me now in an adult age mid life crisis it seams right now I mean like fuck and I this stupid at choosing men?
I never learn this mountain it seems such a unicorn in this dream this following of family or want and ongoing rejections.

i rebuke rejections it planted its seed at youth it was followed up by fear

rejection from my father
then it came back through my mom when I got kicked out my house, my stepdad didn't want me back
I had to marry my first boyfriend
turned into a pretty shitty girlfriend
had a wonderful son he's a pilot now and going to college.