Worn Determination…

Worn Determination…

My own reality is full of private lies;
I want a life that’s true for I am in disguise…
I cannot live like this – it pains my very soul;
I now am lost – abandoned – feeling not quite whole.

Dear God! Why is this choice I’ve made so very hard?
Perhaps I’m blessed, but my soul burns – it feels charred…
I think myself a brainless dolt of lower class;
Dark thoughts engulf – hurt feelings – shards of broken glass.

I cannot speak – I will not talk – I cannot share;
As much as I would love to there are none who’d care.
I cannot understand myself!  So how can Thee?
I drown in misery – a lock without a key…

With worn determination I press forward – lost;
Compelled inside I move ahead at further cost…
And like a fool I stand alone in sickness – rapt;
I stand in hollow shadows feeling oh so trapped.

Thy Kingdom is emerging – yet, it’s out of reach;
I pray with such strong fervor as I beg – beseech!
And still I stand alone with my undying trust;
But not in me, ‘tis Thee who reigns – the One so Just.

It does not help me just to know that You exist…
My life has made a cruel sharp turn as I persist
To do – to help – encourage dreams – to pray in vain;
I sink into a harsh abyss – where few are sane.

Yet still, as always, I come back and speak with You…
I stand in shame – just horrified of what I do!
And still I aid and do and pray and carry on…
But my heart sinks within my soul – I’m inward drawn.

There’s nothing else to say – no prayer to make this end;
I wish I knew which truth was true as I pretend
That all is well and all is fine within my being;
I’m short of sight – illusions keep my soul from seeing.

My own reality is full of private lies;
I want a life that’s true for I am in disguise…
I cannot live like this – it pains my very soul;
I now am lost – abandoned – feeling not quite whole.