A drug addict's tale

It was not that long ago that I cleaned myself up and started a new life in Europe. I was a drug addict for so long. Yet in the end it felt like a short time in my life. In 1 year and 7 months my entire life has changed. Gone is the 108lb junkie and in her place is a 200lb new mommy with a fabulous marriage. It's not just my looks that have changed it's my entire personality. My entire life my motto was "I hate everyone" and now it's "I love everyone." I have found a peace inside myself. A peace that it took 1 year and 6 months of clean time to find.

I used to spend my days getting high and my nights worrying about how I was going to get high the next day. Like many addicts I didn't start as a junkie. I started as a pothead, acid fiend, pill popper and finally full fleged junkie. I remember scoffing at the idea of using a needle to get high. I wasn't like them. Even when I was falling down fucked up and peeing myself. I was still better than a junkie. I didn't stick needles in my arms so I was more civilized then them. Like most drug addicts I spent most of my time in denial and in a clouded world.

To look at me then you would never have guessed. Many didn't know my big secret. A lot of my friends and family knew I used drugs but they never called me an addict. I don't think they considered my drug use addiction until it sprialed out of control at the end of 2006. Before then I had a good life. A life to be envied by many. I had a great job, great kids, my own home and a husband. My husband was hated by many and probably wouldn't have been left off of the jealous list.

I was a teacher in my hometown. I had used cocaine off and on for years. I never felt addicted because I would go months and even years without touching it. One day I decided I wanted it. Why? Oh who knows why an addict does anything. I started buying 1 or 2 grams a day. Snorting it between classes. After school my entire time was spent snorting. Watching the clock. Telling myself I wouldn't do anymore after a certain time to make sure I could go to sleep to get up and work. If I didn't sleep, well I would snort a few lines in the morning to help me wake up.

I gave some to my husband. A former junkie. He began to shoot it. I thought he was wasting it and told him to snort it! Of course being a former junkie he knew the high from snorting to shooting was 100x's better. I demanded proof. I got the proof I needed.

Snorting to shooting in no time. He taught me how to shoot myself. This is the part where people blame him and hate him. Yet I asked, no BEGGED him to help me. Even crying and begging him to shoot me. Then begging to teach me to do it myself. I learned quickly. I've always been a fast learner. I take to new things easily. Especially when they feel good, who doesn't?

Tying off in my car in between classes, on breaks, and after school. I soon quit my job. Shooting coke became my job. Shooting coke became my life. It overcame everything and everyone. I became obsessed. Paranoid. The police were after me. I needed money. I shut off everyone except my husband. We holed up in our house shooting, talking and looking out the windows.

He demanded we get clean. He didn't want to be a junkie anymore. He wanted a normal life with me. I was scared. I had a stash of pain killers. I knew if I was being forced to stop shooting I would end my life.

The day came. Early morning in our living room. We spoke of a better life. Having children together. Being a normal family. We spoke of leaving the states and heading to Europe. We spoke of being clean. I became scared. I popped painkillers as we spoke. How many I couldn't tell you. A trip to Walgreens to buy a few things.

I had to pee in Walgreens. I was so high. I don't remember going into the bathroom but I did. I hit the sides of the stall. Pants at my knees. I woke up the next day in the ICU. I overdosed. Yeah I know. I know I had over dosed but was it intentional? That was the question of the day because I didn't know the answer. Did I keep taking the painkillers to kill my pain, to end my life or to get high?

Left the hospital AMA after a week. We spoke. We agreed the only thing to do was leave. We had the police after us. We owed money. We had to leave. Off we went to Europe to begin our life in a new place.

We got there, and got clean. Yes we gave up our precious needle. Both of us wanting the same thing. Normalcy. Sobriety. Love. Marriage. Each other. It wasn't physically difficult to stop using. It was a mental battle for us both. Still is. I got a period in February. I hadn't had one in almost one year. The drugs and lack of food and weight loss had stopped my periods.

March I was pregnant. Clean for 1.5 months. I wasn't clean by choice. We knew no one to help us score. We didn't use. We chain smoked cigarettes and had LOTS of sex. We gained weight. Looked better and started to fall in love again.

Our son was born in December 2007. He saved our lives. We never used after the positive test result. My husband never had the urge after he saw the first sonogram and heard our baby's heartbeat.

1 year 7 months. Clean. Both of us. No more drugs, no pills, no needles not even cigarettes.

Our marriage is stronger than ever. We are totally in love like never before. We apprieciate the other. We are happy. We are at peace. I love my husband and I love the father that he is to our son.

I say "Thank You" everyday for our life. Is it cliche to say I found God? Or did God find me? I know that he picked me up off that floor in the bathroom. He gave me a second chance. I thank the Lord that someone was in the bathroom that day to call 911. I know that God was with me that day and everyday before and since. I feel it in my heart.

I love my life. I love my family. I always thought my love of drugs was strong. It was never strong enough to overtake the love I have for my family. My husband once asked which I loved more him or drugs. I stammered and said him of course. But at the time no, I loved drugs more. Today without question, without pause, I love him more.

I say thank you every morning and every night. I cannot say it enough. When my son hugs me or kisses me. I know I made the right choice. I know that this is the reason God saved me in Walgreens that day.