During diagnosis for breast cancer last year, I wrote this while thinking about it all. |
i remember years ago, when you were a lot smaller, that i didn't wear a bra and people would say that i should cuz you would be saggy some day and i would say that then i would roll 'em and pin 'em into place but only for formal state occasions. i was a lot younger then. and i remember when you helped announce the wee zygote that came to share our space - you were sore and tender and grouchy for days and i cupped you with/in wonder, knowing, like any wysewoman, that we would share our fecund glory while you grew over the months, a metamorphosis of voluptuousness. when i held my daughter in my arms watching her rosebud lips tugging at you, there was an exaltation like no other running through me like lightning strikes.- i knew what it was to nourish with love, a conduit of sharing. many times i've thanked you for that while we’ve luxuriated in my own caresses, the tender touchings between friends that exist in moments of self-amusement. and, speaking of caresses, bless you for responding with the depths of passion to the touches of those who loved me. i did not fail to notice that you never responded to the will of those you did not like or trust, helping me discern the fine balance between making love and just fucking. do you remember the one who just loved big breasts,. fondling you with amazement and admiration when he first weighed you in his hands? you were beside yourselves that night, covered in the glory of being recognized and cherished for the wonders that you are. we've had some fun times together, you and I, but it's been a while since we've been perky and, like me, you've been more content to just hang about and let things slide. this year i figgered that a refurbishing was overdue and, taking stock of the order of reconstruction, decided that a return to your place of pride was a good beginning and so we started. and stopped. there's a secret hiding in you. you didn't know or you would have told me so we ended up yesterday looking at the galaxy of your black and white imprint on x-ray film while two tiny, tiny stars preparing to supernova were pointed out - surprise, eh? and i thought, well now - what do we have here? a cosmic reminder to take nothing for granted, a benign messenger with no axe to grind? or that ancient enemy that calls on women to bring themselves forth, challenged to do battle? i find myself standing on the precipice of war, sensitive to the negotiations around us - praying for peace and waiting, while arming to take on the interloper if the hue and cry of danger is raised. it's been forty years, through maidenhood, motherhood and now into the age of croning, that we've been boon companions - i'm not prepared to feast at the wake table that bids you farewell. |