The Beginners Guide to Living and Dying.

The Beginners Guide to Living and Dying.

Stop. Yes, you. Cease fidgeting immediately. Don’t say you weren’t. You all fidget. You wouldn’t be reading this if you weren’t fidgeting. Yes, I know this isn’t the Beginners guide, ‘10 easy steps to stop fidgeting for good’. But if there must be a first step. Then sitting still is just that.

You see, you all fidget because it’s commonly believed that there’s so little time. So few hours to a day. Every one has their agendas and their agendas an agenda to themselves. Oblivious that a moment spent still, is infinitely greater than a moment spent searching. “Searching for what?” You no doubt definitely weren’t wondering. Well I’ll tell you anyway, the search is a journey we each embark upon.

It’s a quest of knowledge that drives many who take it seriously to the brink of insanity. Insanity being the term used here to loosely describe a state of mind that deviates from the norm. Deviation of course being something that should be avoided at all costs. After all it’s normal for the average person at least in this world to lead a rich and fulfilling life-time. Abundant with joyous and fond memories, a fruitful love-life, a fair fate and last but not least; a most kingly and peaceful demise.

However; before you get too excited there are a few things you’ll need to busy yourself with; that is of course if you wish to experience the deluxe living package. No life-time experience is complete without choosing one of an endless myriad of religions. (In fact there are more out there than if you counted up every several hundred year old fictional story ever written. Actually, strangely enough the numbers are about the same.) Don’t stress if you can’t make up your mind though, they’re all equally meaningless and depressing.

Once you’ve found a religion that’s right for you or had one forced upon you and droned into believing it, you’re all set. Now that your faith’s on its way isn’t it about time you started to do something with your life? Well let’s see. It’s probably not a good idea to envisage yourself becoming a celebrity or rock star because frankly, who’d want out of the rat race? Really, the key to a meaningful life is a nice dead end, no respect, unimpressive vocation that has little to no job satisfaction.

Things are most certainly starting to look pretty bloody sweet right now. Your aspirations should be all but dead by now. Hopefully you’ll have stopped questioning any boundaries imposed upon your conception of the physical world. You’ll doubt your beliefs but you’d rather not cause a fuss by making any changes this late in the game. And why would you? Now that you’ve got that career, how’s about settling down? Sure, why not, your deterioration has already gotten a head start.

The more idealistic of you will waste at least ‘some’ time seeking out something called Love. Oddly enough, generally attractive people find more of this than others. Fate tends to turn a blind eye on unattractive people with bad breath, so if you fall under this unfortunate category best you cut to the chase. Marriage. Marriage is kind of like saying ‘Bless you’ when someone sneezes. No one’s 100% certain why anyone does it, but they’ve been doing it for so long now you might as well just go with the flow.

It’s here at this critical stage that you can fulfill your one earthly priority. (Unless of course you accidentally fulfilled it some time in your teen years). Yes, procreation. The one sure-fire achievement that will grant you the only attainable piece of immortality you rightfully deserve. You can invest in this genetic family quilt and add your imperfections if you choose. Sadly, chances are your offspring will hate you even more than you hated your parents. But you’ll always have the Baby photos.

These next few years need not explaining because they’re not actually yours. No, at this chapter in Life your laborious, monotonous existence is more a responsibility than an experience. You’ll be busy though and you won’t come back into consciousness until around about your 40th Birthday. If you haven’t let yourself go already, now is about the time to start.

The pressure is on now. You have a decade, possibly two at the very most three or four if you frequently appear in global tabloid magazines. One decade to live out your life. With any luck your life’s work will have surmounted to something. You’ll wisely put this into reinforcing your home like the Ant waiting for winter. Or possibly go off on a disappointing holiday like the grasshopper that danced all summer.

Never the less, it’s nearly the end now. You don’t need me to warn you that this part is the most depressing of all. You’ll feel it like an awkward stare in an elevator. Now it’s common knowledge that 90% of elderly people are unpleasant and boring so you can keep that in mind for the rest of us, or make the most of your impact on the living world. Either way it won’t cause too much of a fuss because you’re practically one foot in the grave.

These last few years are so bleak they’re not even worth mentioning. The smell alone is worth neglecting the entire topic, but it’s almost over. Now you can pass on wisdom, life lessons any other crap countless others have said in your stead in possibly grander death-beds, but truth be told the only thing anyone wants you to pass up is the nuts you were saving for winter. Yes, there’ll probably be a function held in your honor, some tears will be shed and if you’re lucky they’ll play what someone assumed was your favorite song.

It’s pleasant and quite natural for people to assume at this stage they’re soaring through a welcoming nirvana, soothingly bathed in pristine light. You could tell them otherwise and they’ll argue that nothingness is merely impossible. Strangely, you ask what they recall before birth, they’ll say ‘I remember nothing’ – but no one has the right to dictate what happens after death. Just if anyone’s curious though, it is a lot like how it was before you were conceived.

So that’s that. The very summation of both Life and Death. The path most often trodden I’m afraid. Now you can accept this road, follow it as far as it leads and stand at the edge of an inescapable end and welcome it with open arms (like so many before you). Or, you can abandon every single word I’ve said. Breach from the shackles of what has been and live for the person that’ll sleep beneath the stone with your name on it. Each night is an afterlife, each day is a day spent where young billions don’t even exist yet, in a world where 10’s of billions have already been. This is your time, this is your world, and your century has already begun.

So what are you waiting for? …Go and buy a toboggan or something.