compassion

compassion

something i dont have much of
i wish i did, but i just dont
i want to figure out why
so im going to try

im going to sound like a psycologist for a minute
as a child, i was normal
when things upset me, i cried or reacted in a normal way
i had only one death of a loved one as a child, so i never really had any great loss
as a young adult, my parents divorced.
the downfall
my mother left...she left me....alone in the big house with my father and brother
i ran, to school, to friends, to a new boyfriend
during this time, i was ignoring the facts
my family was dying
parents parted
my brother, he was in a world of drugs and alcohol, and had been for a long time, i was too naive to notice
the ex boyfriend was involved with it too, i still cared, the wounds from our soured relationship were still fresh...
my dog was put to sleep because no one could take her but the humaine society did, and she growled and they murdered her.
torn apart i should have been
the worst part out of all of that was the death of my dog
i still cry about her to this day
that was the only thing i was upset about
i decided that my parents were adults, and i shoved my anger deep under that excuse
i decided my brother would get better, and he did, but i still shoved it under that title
since then, ive grown up
im fine, i see my parents are fine
brother is fine
things are fine

i have a job
people come there to die
imagine that, picking the place where you will spend the rest of your days
i go there every day
i know people are sick, dying or already dead, maybe not physically
it doesnt bother me in the least
from the second i see one of them
i am instantly pissed
i say the word hate at least 10x an hour there
i dont hate my job, not even the people, but i hate the things they want
i hate the way they breathe
i hate the way they stare
i hate the way this one chews her tounge
im crazy!!
but maybe i say hate so much, so i can shove the would be feeling under that
so i wont have to feel
so i wont have to comfort them
so i wont have to lose them
i wish so much i could be moved by these people
love them
care for them
i wish i could just refil my compassion perscription along with my birth control
im so tough
but i am beginning to realize that, with all of this hiding and tough exterior i pay a huge price
im keeping myself from being human
i just wish i could love them
so i can love others
feel a little bit for them
so i can feel a little bit for myself
so i can remember what its like to love
so i can be loved
and care for another
as i should be cared for
so i am not turned off emotionally

im single and i wonder why
i wont let anyone in because i forgot how to care
i forgot how to love and be loved
i wish it would come back
i dont know how to make it
or gain it back
ive been hurt, mistreated, and i do the same to others
i think i do it first so they dont do it to me
defense mechinism?
bad choice is a better way to describe that one
what can i do to help myself?
church?
medication?
group therapy?
i dont know how to knock down the walls i took so much careful time to build
i can not be touched
im afraid that one day something big will happen
i will lose something so big, my parents, my grandmother
and i will lose it, my walls will go crashing down, and they will fly right back up as soon as i can let them, and they will NEVER come back down, no one will be able to gain access
and i will be alone
alone and crazy
i dont want to let it get to that point
i want to let it happen at my own pace
comfortable
but at least let it happen
ill never find love
ill never find peace
ill never find compassion
but where do i start?