Eripmav Teaser

Sometimes it takes a shock in order to pull yourself out of that deer-in-the-headlights stage. So frightened, it takes a scare to get you running, back into action.

Life threatening, life defining. That's what I always say.

I don't live on the edge. The exact opposite, actually. I try to keep myself as far away from the edge as humanly possible. Keep both feet on the ground at all times, never stick your fingers where they don't belong – no matter how tempting. “Pull in case of emergency” means exactly that.

No, burning curiosity does not qualify as an emergency.

It's best to steer clear of anything 'emergency' I've come to find. Call in case of emergency, emergency back-up, emergency lane, “who should we call in case of emergency?”

I'd hate to be the name and number after a question like that. What an unhappy phone call you are potential to receive.

“I'm sorry, it seems there has been an accident...”

“Help, it's an emergency!”

You know what I've come to realize about emergencies? Nobody is ever around when you have one.

A crisis? I'm sorry, please hold.

Pause for a second, hang on to that thought. 

Clearly I am not spontaneous. Yes! You are absolutely right! Then how does my motto come to be something like “life threatening equals life defining”? Experience.

Look back on your life for a moment. What moments stand out? Behind the time you received your first kiss, first real Valentine's Day, first award... tell me what's in the foundation. When did you have your most profound thoughts?

Emergencies. A Crisis. Frightening moments. A 'White Light' experience.

Your best friend was in a car accident. You almost drowned. Your pants caught fire when you sat on a live spark when camping with your family – wipe that smirk off your face, young man. I'm being serious. What if that happened to you and the fire didn't go out? Your balls would sear off, that's what. And you wouldn't be laughing then.

Seriously, now.

The white-washed walls of a hospital can really throw things into perspective. Some things don't have a cure. Some things leave you hanging.

Now what?

“To be, or not to be?”

Sometimes you don't have a choice.

“Not to be.”

Kind of bleak. It didn't take the sterile smell of a hospital room to shock me into realizing that this was true for me, the stucco ceiling in my bedroom spelled it out to me clear enough. Unblinking, my heart wasn't beating. Life defining – life defined.

Have you ever had one of those dreams where you die? You know the kind, where you wake up sobbing after your own life? Often your dream self wanders to several people you know. You ask yourself, how are they going to live without me? Do they care I'm no longer around? Did they ever love me in the first place?

How selfish.

If you're dead, which you're more than likely not if you're reading this, move on. You won't give a rats ass what other people think if you're dead. Live your life, you're alive. Do me a favor. Inhale deeply, hold it... release. Put your hand over your chest, do you feel that? Pure life. Early death is the easy way out. Death is cheap.

I don't count myself a cheater, but some bloody bastard did. They sucked the life right out of me, every last drop. And they didn't stop there.

They made me a Vampire.

Are you still holding that thought? No? Go back a page and refresh your memory. No, I won't simply remind you myself. I may be dead and have all the time in the world, but I'm no cheater... Have it again? Good.

Nobody can be reached in a real emergency (cheater. You just read ahead, didn't you?). If you were alone and your house was broken into, wouldn't it be nice to know that you could call for help? You can't if it's two in the fucking morning and the phone is dead. Don't bother reaching for your cheap cellphone, it's out of minutes – and if not that, your battery is probably dead.

Here's a brilliant idea if you ever find yourself in this situation: hide in the closet.

Don't bother, you moron. You may as well hand yourself over to Doom all wrapped up pretty, postage included. That's the first place they look, and I can tell you right now that Doom isn't looking for that old pair of Converse shoes that are a size too small.

Keep holding tight to that emergency thought and add to it this: fear.

Even in death you have fear, you reek of it. It comes off your body in waves. Crashing. Slowly climbing, curling into itself and then spilling in every direction. Fear is like a tidal wave. There's no way to stop it unless you have enough paper towel to sop it up.

Emergencies, fear. With those two things at the front of your little minds, I can finally iron out the crumple of thoughts I've written for you. A crumpled note, smooth it out, pass it on. Lock all entrances to your house, let no one in...

“Can I come in?” How can you say no to a bright-eyed child collecting pop bottles for a school fund-raiser? 

It's never the cable guy.