I've Got a Crush on You

"I've got a crush on you!" His voice was an urgent whisper as Jim and I stood, shoulders touching, at the refreshment table in the back of the room. Nearly everyone else had taken their seats and the two of us had lingered, as we did every week, sharing small bits of company gossip, joking and trading witty quips until the last possible moment when he would hurry to the front of the class to begin teaching.

My heart skipped a beat at his words. Did I hear him right? I chanced a sidelong glance at him as he turned to walk away. Catching the glimmer in his eye, I knew that I had indeed heard right. I wanted to reach out and take his arm, to turn him back to me to keep the moment from slipping away. Wait, I thought, don't just tantalize me like that and walk away! I was sure the whole room must hear the thundering of my heart and only a blind person could miss the flush on my cheeks. I slipped out of the room, escaping to the ladies room to gather my composure.

Alone in the ladies room, I braced my hands on the cool marble of the lavatory and stared at my reflection in the mirror. Bright eyes stared back at me and a smile played about my lips. Not only were my cheeks flushed as I had suspected, the flush had extended down my neck, disappearing into the neckline of my blouse. My hands trembled as I reached for the faucet to splash cold water on my face. I was amazed at my reaction to those six simple words. "For God's sake, get a grip. It's not like he professed undying love or anything," I mumbled to my reflection in the mirror.

Finally, the pounding of my heart began to slow, allowing a more natural color to return to my face. I splashed a little more cold water on my face for good measure, dried my hands and headed back to the classroom. I tried to be as inconspicuous as possible as I slipped up the aisle to take my usual seat on the front row. I always tried to sit as close as possible to him so that my concentrated stare would be unobstructed and, hopefully, unnoticed by anyone else in the class.

As I settled into my seat, our eyes met and he held my gaze for a fraction of a moment longer than would have been necessary to acknowledge my presence. Or did he? I was no longer sure of anything. I tried to focus my thoughts. This training class had been mandated by the head of my department at the bank where I worked. For the last month, twice a week on Tuesday and Thursday, I had sat on the front row, enraptured by everything this man said, unable to look away from his mesmerizing blue eyes even to take notes and I had learned... nothing.

That's not quite true. I had learned a lot, just not anything at all of what I had been sent there to learn. I had memorized the exact deep blue shade of his eyes and I knew the location of every laugh line extending from those eyes. I had practically counted every one of his dark, thick eyelashes. I could have picked out his strong jawline in a crowd at thirty paces and I would have recognized his lips even if every other part of his face was covered. I had listened so intently to his deep, sexy voice that I heard it in my sleep and wished for it on the other end of the line every time my phone rang. I knew every gesture he made as he spoke, every expression on his face, his smile, his frown, his look of concentration. Oh, I had been studying alright. It just wasn't anything that would do much to improve my performance at work.

My reverie was causing the flush to return to my cheeks. I had to concentrate. I opened my notebook of non-existent notes and willed myself to pay attention. I couldn't meet his eyes, but couldn't look away. I hung on his every word, yet I didn't hear a thing he said. Suddenly my whole world consisted of those six simple words uttered in secret in the back of the room. I kept replaying them over and over again in my head. I was thrilled, shocked, excited, scared to death - a myriad of emotions swirled in my heart. But above it all, those words, those words!

I sat through the class with the sly, secret knowledge that this incredibly sexy man in front of me; the one who took my breath away and inhabited my dreams, this man made a pass at me! Admittedly, it was not the smoothest pass. I had to admit it was fairly lame and decidedly old-fashioned; nevertheless those words were an arrow straight to my heart. I would never be the same.

When the class was over, I slowly gathered my things, delaying my departure to give him an opportunity to approach me. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that one of my co-workers had cornered him and was peppering him with questions about some new legislature that had the potential to dictate some rather drastic changes to the banking industry. Oh, jeez, leave the man alone, I fumed silently. My co-worker had relevant questions, but I just wanted him to go away. I didn't care about the effect on the industry then. I just wanted a few moments of conversation with the man of my dreams.

Unfortunately, the friend I had carpooled with was anxious to leave and kept motioning to me from the door. My only choice was to accompany her to her car, leaving Jim lost in never-ending conversation with my overly-inquisitive co-worker. I threw a glance his way as I walked to the door and was sure I saw a look of pure disappointment cross his face.

I plopped down in the car seat and slammed the door out of pure frustration. "Hey, watch it!" Karen looked at me quizzically as she started the car. "What's got you all hot and bothered?"

If only you knew, Karen, if only you knew. I just looked out the window as we pulled out of the parking lot. I could tell Karen was waiting for some kind of an answer, but what could I tell her? I sat there silently until finally she shrugged her shoulders and concentrated on her driving.

"Fine, don't tell me, you moody brat." I was so lost in thought, I barely heard her miffed rebuke.

The next few days were agony. Had I misinterpreted what happened? Was it just a meaningless flirtation that I fantasized meant much more than it really did? How foolish was I? But that look, that LOOK! I saw it in his eyes, didn't I? I moved woodenly through each day, my breath catching every time my phone rang or an email popped up on my computer screen. Was it him? Time after time my hopes were dashed. I found myself almost dreading the next class when I would see him, as I had nearly convinced myself I had imagined the whole thing.

I sat at my desk, a cloud of pessimism floating about my head, absently performing only the duties that could no longer be put off. Glancing at my computer monitor, I noted the tiny envelope in the corner of the taskbar, indicating new mail. By this time, I refused to allow myself to even hope it might be an email from Jim. I angrily clicked on the icon to get it out of the tray thinking to myself, Here's to another dashed hope.

As my screen sprang to life, I watched with rocketing hope as Jim's name filled the sender line. Pessimism quickly morphed into hope as I fumbled with the mouse to scroll down to the body of the email. I knew it must be an eloquently worded missive (for he was quite the word smith and oh God, how I loved his mind!) I shut out the entire office--phones, clients, co-workers, everything--and prepared myself to linger over the words I had waited so long to read,

And there it was. A JOKE?! A forwarded email joke? Not even a very funny one, just a random, commonly-circulated email joke.He hadn't even personalized it with a note; "Thought you might find this funny" or anything of the sort. I looked at the address bar and noted that I was the only recipient, then chastised myself for reading any meaning into that small detail. I read every word, several times, searching for the slightest nuance that could indicate a meaning behind the actual content. Nothing. I sat staring at the screen, willing it to be something other than what it was. I couldn't even bring myself to answer his email. I snapped the email closed with a flick of my finger and a roll of my eyes.

The remainder of the day passed in a dejected fog. I was unable to concentrate on anything other than the fact that I had acted like a foolish schoolgirl imagining an attraction that obviously was only in my mind. Finally, I decided to dash off a witty reply to his lame joke that had been my undoing for the day. At least I could try to salvage some shred of my dignity by matching his cavalier attitude with my nonchalance. As I left the office for the day, I realized with no small amount of chagrin that the next day was Tuesday. I would have one night to recover from my starry-eyed crush (how fitting that his very words sprang to mind) before facing him in class again.

Arriving at my office the next morning, I opened my email to find another message from him. Great, I thought, another lame joke to dash my hopes. Now I was angry, wondering how long he would taunt me with these idiotic email forwards. I could envision him sitting at his desk, hitting the send button with an evil smirk on his face, having seen the effect of his off-handed remark on me in last week's class. Now, he was toying with me, enjoying his power over me. Stop it! I told myself, now you're just getting paranoid. At the very least I could have him as a friend, if not a love interest. I opened the email, already formulating in my mind the clever things I would say in response. And I read, "I get excited when I see your name pop up on my email!"

I almost squealed with joy. I read that line again. Yes, I did read it right. That was what it said. Fireworks were going off in my brain. I knew it! I knew I saw THAT look in his eyes. I continued reading. "I have something I need to discuss with you. Can I call you at work?" By now, the Hallelujah Chorus was going off in my brain and I could hardly sit in my chair. Fingers flying, I typed back an answer to his email: "Certainly. Call me this morning. I should be here until noon." Until noon - HA! I would be sitting in that chair staring holes through that phone until he called, but I couldn't very well tell him that. I hit the send button with such anticipation, I almost knocked the mouse off my desk.

I tried to look normal but that was close to impossible since I couldn't keep my eyes off the phone. I stared at it, willing it to ring. I was concentrating so hard on making it ring that when it did, almost immediately, I nearly jumped out of my chair. I grabbed the receiver like it was a lifeline to a dying man (or in this case, a dying woman.)

"Jill? It's Jim. Can you talk?" It was that voice, that same deep, sexy voice that I had fantasized about for weeks.

I managed to squeak out a barely audible, "Sure," in answer to his question. What he didn't know was that the mere sound of his voice had been like hot wax poured over the top of my head and I was now a melted puddle on the floor.

I clung to his every word and this time I heard everything he said. "Jill, I've been agonizing over this phone call for weeks. I hope I'm not reading too much into your reaction at my clumsy attempt at flirting with you before class last week. You may hang up on me and never talk to me again, but I can't keep from saying this any longer. From the moment I set eyes on you, I haven't been able to get you out of my mind. I look forward to class every week because I know I'll see you and between classes all I can do is think about the next time I'll see you. I need to see you outside of class. Can we meet somewhere?"

I was so lost in his voice that I almost forgot to answer him. I heard him call my name and I snapped to attention. I tried to play it very cool. I didn't want to seem over-anxious. 'OH MY GOD, YES!" I practically screamed into the phone. Everyone in the office turned to look at me. A couple of people mouthed the words Are you alright? silently to me. I held my hand up, mouthed sorry and turned my chair toward the wall, making a mental note to bring it down a few decibels.

We made plans to meet that night for an early dinner before class. I am sure that everyone in the class that night thought I had taken some kind of mind-altering drug prior to class,thanks to the goofy grin that I couldn't manage to wipe off my face all night long.

The following weeks were a blur of anticipation, each contact with him another acknowledgment of a growing attraction. I was in heaven. I was in heaven for the next eight years. It wasn't a passing fancy for either of us, but life gets in the way sometimes. Even for soul-mates.

I still can feel that delicious shiver down my spine when I recall that initial, tentative, whispered declaration of love. "I've got a crush on you." I was right; I will never be the same.