My Journal

1/20/08
Jesus, what have You taught me? More. That is all I have ever wanted and want now. More of You in whatever that maybe. Realising now when I was younger and growing up all I wanted was more and I found this believe that all that it brought with wanting more was pain for those around me.
What does wanting more really bring though? Pain or Pleasure, for those around me?. Both?!
Knowing others are in pain makes me feel pain too.
Growing up and even now at times I thought and think it only brought and brings pain and so I tryed and try to stop it. And I realise now that is not possable for me to do because this is who I am and how You want me to be.
Are you in pain when I am?!
Realising all of this answers so many unasked questions. But You know I have thought about them alot. One being of why I stopped feeling which is the base of everything for me because I am an emotional person.
By not feeling then I didn't have to even come close to wanting more. Somehow they are connected.
And so I basicly turned myself off from everything or atleast tryed because eventually I kept on trying to fill that void and emptyness that was taken away when I stopped myself from feeling.

You are more and I try and tryed to remove You from being in and through me.

That's it. I switched on and off at moments to being willing for You to do whatever You wanted to not and the whole time all I really wanted was to stay switched on. All I really wanted was You.

How do I know You are with me? Do I "feel" You? This is undescribable but I just know You are.
By following Your voice so many things have happened. Things which are pleasureable and painful at moments. But I know now they are and were all for You.

You have brought me a new moment to begin again . To let go and let You have the past and the future. I know all You want me to do is to breath and live in You right now.

People would say I had everything and now I have nothing and I did have alot of things that being material things. BUT I wasn't happy like I know You wanted me to be. That is as happy as I am right now, knowing You in this moment NOW.
You are happieness. You are my everything.

I wasn't happy and I didn't have You because I was replacing You in my heart with other gods.

There were no words to describe how I experienced and felt You. When I tryed to in words coming out of my mouth those words didn't really express You the same way as I was experiencing and feeling You. It is because I was trying to replace You with words and other things coming out of my mouth.
When I write though it was different then speaking and I was actually able to express who You are. You would think that it's the same but it wasn't. Why was that?
Now though I hope and want it to be the same because I choose and believe that You are the only one who is coming out of my mouth.

I love writing and speaking now!
By sharing what I write with others then this way You can be in and through me even more for whatever You want :)

You are my Jesus, You are my Dada, You are...right now.

You have made me realise more of why I am quiet although I never really needed an answer. When people asked You questions and even now when I ask questions, You are quiet. Is that because all You want is for me to experience You? What is that verse, be silent and know that I am God? "Be silent and know Me"-Jesus
Am I trying to put other god's in my heart replacing You when I ask a question and expect an answer? I don't want any answers, I just want You (Matt. 9:14-15...

6/2/08
Dada...can words really express all that You have done and are doing in me?! You have brought me to Your/this point of knowing You more just like You know Your Father...I WANT You only. By surrendering right now/becoming still and knowing You...words cannot express this...ONLY You can...