Confessions

-So I'm going commando...

-What?

-In the story, it's important, oh and I'm not wearing a belt.  So, I'm on Princes Street and I get some cash from a hole in the wall.  When I'm on my way back into the street I fumble my wallet and drop it.

-So?

- So when I bend over to pick it up..
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- The people behind you get a nice cleavage shot.

-Not just cleavage, full on brown eye action.

-That's pretty embarrassing, not to mention disgusting.

-So what's yours?

-Mine?

-Your most embarrassing moment, don't go all coy, it's your turn now.

-Yours wasn't embarrassing, just disgusting!

-All right make it disgusting then, what's the grossest thing you've ever done?

-No!

-Come on, like what about...if you were maybe walking down the street in a skirt with no kegs on and maybe a jam rag fell out.

-EUGH!  Oh god that is sick, you're just wrong in the head. 

-Come on, stop stalling.  Just tell me a funny story, I told you one.  It's the law.
   
-Well once we...no no, I am not telling you that, it's too embarrassing.

- Just get it over with.

-Alright, but this is worse than yours.  So me and this friend, Alex, we were walking home after a night out.  I was pretty drunk and I was gasping for a wee, so we snuck into this car park.  So I crouched down between these two cars and started...y'know, and then this security light comes on.  It's the car park of a fucking police station, there's five cops stood in a door way about ten feet away and Alex, who was supposed to be standing watch is nearly dying with laughter.  So I tried to like, get behind the car, but I was crouched down and... Well my pants were wrapped round my ankles; I ended up toppling over...

-And they saw?

- Gynaecological... at least they saw the funny side.

-Thank fuck you're a girl, if that was me I'd be up on charges for pissing on a policeman's car.

-Anyway, isn't that the most embarrassing story you've ever heard?

-It gets worse.  If they had CCTV, which they did, there's a good chance you're on some dodgy website somewhere being watched as we speak.

- Don't even joke, that is so gross.

- But it's not the most embarrassing story I know, I've got a better one.  If I tell you though you're sworn to secrecy, alright?

-Alright.

-You know Dave and Keno right?

-Yeah.

-Well when we were all about sixteen we used to go down Fleckies to get pissed on a Thursday night, us three, Glen and a couple of other lads.  So this one night right we all piled back to Keno's right, and we're sat in his living room watching a porno...

-I never understand how guys can just sit round together and watch that stuff; it seems a little bit gay.

-To be honest I've never really been comfortable with it, but Dave was beggin Keno to put a tape.  So we're all sat round, totally mashed, passing round a bong and I'm attempting to skin up.  Anyway someone points out that Dave's been in the toilet for an age.  We're all thinking the same thing, 'dirty bastard', but no one wanted to go check.  But after a while I really need a slash, so I figure fuck it, he must be finished by now.  But he's not in the toilet, we're starting to wonder, I mean we can't find him anywhere, I figure he might've just wandered off, but then I hear Keno shouting.  It sounds pretty serious so I follow it to the garage.  Inside, and I swear to god this is true, Dave's on his knees with his kegs round his ankles, he's got a full on boner and there's a half full gravy boat on the floor next to him.  Keno's stood there looking ready to kill and that's when I see Sushi, Keno's mum's poodle...

-Oh god!

-Yep, Dave'd been getting treats from the dog.

-Oh god! That is the sickest thing I've ever heard.  Eugh, is that why Keno and Dave stopped being friends?

-Yeah, Keno was ready to kill him; I nearly had an embolism I was laughing so hard.

-It's not funny, it's disgusting, it's...it's animal cruelty is what it is.

-Nah, Dave's only got a small dick, but listen you can't say anything to Dave when you see him, he won't be pleased, just act normal with him, alright?

-I won't say anything, anyway it's not like we ever see each other, we're not exactly good friends.

-Fair enough, it's just he'll be here soon.

-What?

-I sent him a text before, he's comin out tonight.

-You're evil, I'm not gonna be able to look at him.

-You'll have to, here he comes.

-Hi Dave.

-Daisy, Tony... How's it going man?

-Not good mate, I was out last night and all, feelin like shit.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, dog rough.

-Hey, what's she laughing at?