The Letter

My eternal love:
I have to write to you today, I have been wrong. From the moment I set my eyes on you thirty years ago I have been lost in love. There are so many things we have explored and so many things we have done together, you have become an inseparable part of me. You have penetrated to my very core and I cant live another minute without you. I know that what I did was wrong, I have lived that every day for years. I know that i hurt you more deeply than anyone should ever have to live with. I can not get past my own stupidity. When I think about holding your hand in mine, I get tears in my eyes. When I remember the tender way you used to hold me I begin to shake.
I recall a summer day when we were sitting on the swings and just happy to be with each other. I can still smell your hair after you got out of the shower and from time to time, someone will pass on the street and have the scent of the perfume you used to wear. As I look wildly to find you, my heart is torn into pieces when I realize it was someone else.
How do I tell you more than I have already said, to bear my inner most soul to you? I can still hear you when you breath, I can still feel your gentle touch. I can still feel the warmth of your lips pressed to mine and the feel of your body against me. Sometimes I wake in a sweat dreaming that you are there and then, suddenly...your gone.
To many times, my heart, I took you for granted, and to many times I made love to you only as an act of sex. To many times I hurt you with my words and actions and to many times I forgot just how deeply, deeply you have become a part of me.
I have spent years in tears over the horrible things I have done to you and have wished most of that time that I would just die to get it over with. Oh, I have known other loves since you and, yes, I have had some romance too, but I can tell you today that I have never loved, I have never felt and I have never wanted any one like I do you. How many years has it been, twenty five? Twenty seven? Most of my life and most of yours. Yet I cant go on with out you.
Some say "do the honorable thing", assume that means take my own life, but I cant, I just haven't got the courage. It would be easier than living the lie I live with someone other than you. It would be easier than waking day by day and feeling nothing for anyone else because I have shut down my feelings for so many years. It would be easier than having to go one more second with out your beautiful smile, warm laugh and oh so soft and gentle caress.
I have to go now because I can't see the page, there are tears in my eyes and everything is getting harder to see. Some day when I wake from this nightmare I will find that I am seventeen again and able to make a wiser decision and stay with you. My undying prayer is that we meet again some day to live the life we were supposed to live....together. Until that time you own my heart and nobody will ever be able to take that, at least, away from you.
I love you with every ounce of my being,
Your lost love