Kasplat

KASPLAT

    Being back in Michigan was a relief.  It had been a long and arduous trip coming back from Missouri.  My family and I were worn, tattered and genuinely sick of being cramped up in our worn and tattered minivan. Well, when I say "worn and tattered minivan" I really mean "held together with duct tape" but the old family truckster had pulled through for us once again as this time she delivered us safely to the  parking lot of the "Golden Corral" steakhouse and buffet.
    The restaurant was busy as all get out and it took forever for us to get our food, but the meal was, ultimately, uneventful. So once we had finally gorged ourselves to happiness on crappy steak and soft serve icecream we all headed back to pile into our old minivan.  "Four more hours" I told everybody "With a short stop at Larry's".  Larry was a good family friend of ours that had come along with us on this trip.  He lived about thirty minutes north of where we were now and about three hours away from where we lived.  It was on our way to Larry's that I decided that I had to poop.  We all do it.  I just like to talk about it.  I'm kinda weird in that way.  So going poop was the plan.  I even had it all planned out in my head.  As soon as we got to Larry's house I was going to say:  "All right everybody, whoever has to pee do it now 'cause I've gotta go poop".  That was my plan anyway.  But that's not to say that it was urgent for me to poop.  I just had the urge and I was ready. Besides, there's something to be said about sitting on a toilet and letting it all go after being crammed up in a minivan with  six other people and a  puppy for the past twelve hours.
    When we arrived at Larry's house a short while later I immediately jumped into action.  "All right everybody, who ever must pee do it now because I have to poop!"  Just then my nine year-old son, Tommy, rushed around me and slammed the bathroom door shut.  My wife stood there giggling.
    "What's so funny?:" I asked.
    "Tommy just went in there and I don't think he had to just pee."
    "Oh no." I thought.  "That's no good". 
    My son is renowned for taking an hour long crap.  "A chip off the old block" one might say.  But I always thought that Tommy would aspire to greatness one day.  Where as I was a serious toilet bowl surfer, my son set records for length, width, and overall weight of his turds.
    Defeated, I trudged into the kitchen.  As I stood there, pondering life this ungodly, unholy, crazy pain shot right through my gut.
    "OW!" I shouted out loud.
I looked around the house.  My wife was busy with the girls and nobody else was paying me any attention.  "What in the world was that?" I thought to myself. What kinda pain was--
It hit me again.  This time it was even worse than before. It felt as it someone had just run a butcher's knife right through my guts.  Before I knew it, I found myself running out the front door and into the frigid cold of that memorable February night.  I was thinking that the cold, fresh air might do me some good but if this pain came back, I was definitely going to have to make a decision.  Deep breath.  Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. I was feeling better.  I thought to myself  "Maybe its gone, but what the heck caused it?" I looked around at Larry's front yard and realized that if I did have to make a decision then at least I'm stuck out in the middle of nowhere.  Then it came back again.. 
    "YEOWWW! , son of a b____ this hurts" I yelled out to nobody in particular. So, ok, a decision had to be made but where?.  I started moving around in circles looking for somewhere to explode when it struck me funny that this must be what my puppy goes through when he needs to crap.  Must be why he runs around in circles.  I could once again feel the pain returning so I ran around a snow bank, through 11 inches of snow, pulled down my sweat pants, stuck my big ass out into the night air and KABOOOOM.  Well more like KASPLAAAAT.  The pain left me as I left my stain upon the world. 
    Then I started laughing.  I couldn't help it.  The scene that I had created was just too darned funny.  Here I am, up past my ankles in snow with  my pants down as far as they could go, my naked butt bared to the world, a long steamy brown streak in the snow out behind me and my arms on my knees trying to keep myself from falling backwards into yuck.  Just then the screen door flew open and I heard my son yell out to me "Dad, the bathroom's open."
    "ITS TOO LATE SON!" I yelled back.  "I do need some toilet paper though!".
    His mouth dropped open and he ran back inside the house.  Seconds later my wife comes running out with toilet paper.  Once she spotted me she started laughing hysterically.
    "Oh my god" she said. " what happen--oh god that's terrible Tom!  Here take this, take this before I puke" and she started waving the toilet paper at me.  I took the roll of tp as she backed up saying, "I gotta get my camera!"
"NO" I yelled at her but she was already racing back to the house.  Then I started wiping as fast as I could.  Have you ever had to wipe your butt standing up?  If you have then you know it to be no easy task. But I continued to wipe as fast as I could.  Relief washed over me as I pulled up my pants and realized that my wife hadn't made it back out of the house with the camera yet.  I turned around and saw my nastiness lying there on the ground so I began kicking snow over it until it was covered...well somewhat covered anyway.
    When I entered the house I found my wife cleaning up a mess of water on the bathroom floor and Larry plunging the toilet.  Remember when I said that my son had record breaking turds?  Well he ended up plugging  up the toilet with his latest effort.  I looked at the two of them and said "Well, it could be worse, you should see what I left you out in your front yard Larry."
    "Yeah, I heard" he said. 
    "Yeah" my wife agreed, we have your shit in the front yard, this mess in here to deal with and Menzo (the puppy) dumped his load just outside the back door.  I looked at Larry. I could see the resignation on his face.
"Well Larry" I said. "Thanks for coming with us on this trip, but now that you're home, shit on you".  We all had a good chuckle over that one.  And that was the highlight of my vacation. Larry hasn't invited us back for a visit to his place since, but I was told that he took a back hoe and dumped a considerable amount of snow upon my trademark skidmark.

The End.