Running into Poles

         While I was looking at him in awe, I ran into a pole. A very small pole, mind you, not big enough to kill me, but not small enough for it not to be a surprise. I think that it is the worst possible feeling, running into something by surprise. It's not the actual impact that shocks you, it's the fact that you didn't know it was there. What could possibly have distracted you so much that you didn't notice where you were walking? Was it always ahead of you, or did you walk off your path because of the distraction?

         The impact stings, that's for sure, but what really hurts is not understanding why you didn't see it, and why no one warned you it was coming. At least, why you didn't notice no one warned you it was coming. This happened to me recently. It was a boy who distracted me. He was a charming boy, sufficiently charming to distract me enough to run into a pole. He was unlike any other boy I had ever met. He was not particularly handsomer than other boys I'd seen, nor was he much funnier than many boys I'd known, nor yet was he even more flirtatious than many men in my acquaintance. But there he was. At first, I didn't even notice him. He was below my level of sight because I was looking up at the life that I had ahead of me. I was attentive; I was not letting anything get in my way. But then I something happened that changed things for good. He caught up with me and started to walk with me.

         At first this was nothing. Really, this should still be nothing, but as he walked with me, I started talking with him. He told me his story, and I told him my story. We shared opinions, we laughed and we flirted without meaning. One day, as I was walking along, I realized something completely horrible, something totally devastating, something that to this day I regret. I realized that I loved him. When I had this realization, my eyes faced forwards no more. I was looking at him all the time. Sometimes when I was looking at him I was admiring him, loving him. But then other times when I was looking at him, I was trying really had to figure out why I loved him. What could possess me to love this flawed creature, so like myself? I found that I simply had no answers.

         So, I then fought with all my might to look forwards, to ignore this boy and all of his flirtation. However, he was like a glinting piece of glass out of the corner of my eye. He was a small, but total distraction. So there we were, walking down the street, me trying to ignore him, while he failed to notice anything was wrong. And that's when it happened. I ran into that pole, and I fell in a heap to the ground.

         As I sat there, a pile of confusion and frustration, I looked at the pole and questioned how it dared to get in my way. I looked at it as though it had caused this problem, and not me, failing to get out of the way of the pole. I sat there, and I soon started to cry. I couldn't help it. It was all far too depressing for me to look past the pole. The pole then started to get larger in my mind. Pretty soon, this tiny pole that I'd tripped on grew to become a wall that I could not see past. As I processed through this, I realized with a start that the boy I'd been with had not stopped. This made me angry. How dare he walk on without me? He was the one who had found me, not the other way around. He should be lying here in this unfortunate state. So, in my anger the pole shrunk back down and I stood up and ran after the boy.

         At that moment, I had every intention of showing him up. I was going to walk by him confidently and calmly, just to show him how little the pole had phased me. But alas, this plan had a fatal flaw. This plan involved walking by him. As I strode up, my feet got less and less sure that I really wanted to pass him. What I wanted to do was talk to him more, flirt with him more, and be with him more. So, as I got closer and closer, I started slowing down so that when I reached him I could fall easily into step with him. So, I worked really hard at matching our strides. I got closer and closer and finally was right beside him. He looked at me, smiled and I promptly fell down before any words were exchanged, except for a startled yelp of surprise coming from me. He didn't slow down upon my fall; he only looked at me in confusion, and went on his way.

         As I saw him walking away from me, leaving me here on my own, I looked around me. I looked at where I was, for the first time in a long time. This was not the path that I remembered being on. This was somewhere quite different than what I remember. I had run into the pole because it was not a path that I had come on. He had ended up leading me down his own path, and it was not a two person path. He was on his own path, and I was following along like a mindless dog. In fear, I looked at his retreating back, and then I looked behind me. It was a long, long way. I had followed him quite far from my path.

         I had a moment's hesitation, and then with a deep sigh, I stood up, took one last lingering gaze at him, and returned from where I had come. Sometime, I thought to myself as I sauntered back, our paths would collide once again and then there would be time. Time to talk and flirt mindlessly, time to understand why I loved him and time to understand him. Right now, though. We were both on one person paths. In my determination, I didn't notice him turn around suddenly, far up the path and look back to notice that I had turned back. I didn't notice his face fall and his foot falter. One day, I reasoned, we would meet again. But not today.