Mighty Morphine-Powered Ranger

Mighty Morphine-Powered Ranger

         The other day I was driving into town. Yes, I said into. No hick jokes, alright? Yes, technically what you can call the stuff on the road I started out on could be considered by some to be "dirt." There is power, you know. And I don't mean the kind you get from strapping a bike to a generator and pedaling. I'm not a fucking hamster. I know what a cell phone is, am 1337er than the metric system and fly around in one of my very own ROFLcopters at least once a day. There. Now that I have boosted my own ego while either thoroughly confusing and/or demeaning you, I can move on.

         So, as I was saying, I'm driving into town. So when I got to the paved road I- shut up. I was driving along on my side of the road like a good little commuter when someone comes around the corner and almost hits me head-on. Apparently people only know how to be on their side of the road if there's this little line telling them where to be. Naturally, I don't feel like getting totaled at the moment so I move over even farther until I'm about half way into a ditch. Tool didn't even slow down or at least have the courtesy to flip me off like it was somehow my fault. This made me realize that it isn't the people who get "road rage" that need anger management. It's all the dumbass drivers that do stupid shit that make the angry people loose it that should be the ones getting education on how to properly operating one of these new-fangled contraptions. We have come a long way from "horseless carriages" haven't we? Long story short the rest of the drive was relatively uneventful.

         I arrive in town unscathed, longer story shorter I tell some friends about what happened and one of them says I shouldn't have moved and just let the dumbass hit me. I say I didn't feel like going to the hospital that day, so I moved. Granted, this came from a person who once told me that she wanted to get into a car wreck to see what it was like. I've got to admit it, ever since she said that I've found myself wondering the same thing about what it would be like. What? What do you mean morbid? I didn't say either of us wanted to die in a car wreck. What's the point of experiencing one on purpose if you can't live through it? Jesus, you have issues.

         Back to me. I realize that I forgot my stuff for work and would need to drive all the way home and back again. Drive home, only to remember that I left my stuff in my mom's car that is still in town! Ugh. Start back into town again, only now it's nighttime, which is apparently the right time for me to almost get hit...again. Longest story shortest, I should've taken her advice and just let myself get hit. Yes, there would've been a chance that it could've ended badly. Life doesn't sound like that much fun when you're all dead and corpsified.

         But think of the payoff! Oh, man. If you survive you get this awesome ride where they clear the entire road just for you. You can even lay down and go to sleep the entire time if you want. They strap you in so you can't fall out of the bed. And once you get to the hospital they put you on one these beds that you get to set to your own specifications. And there's this button to give you all the morphine you want. You could be like that chick from Kung Pow and be all, "weee ooo weee ooo weee ooo we- Where's my shoe?