Top 10 List

Tips for Raising a Child

1.  The “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” approach to parenting has really stood the test of time, so it’s probably the best way to go.

2.  A yearly review of the child’s performance is a good idea.  You can break it down into categories and let them know if they Exceeded Expectations, Met Expectations, or Fell Below Expectations.  Identify areas of improvement and goals for next year.  Assure them that despite their small allowance that they are a valued member of your family. 

3.  In case of trouble, remember the all-purpose parent bail-out phrase:  “Because I said so, that’s why.”

4.  Decide if you’d like your son to be an empty-headed athlete, a dope-smoking dropout, or a friendless nerd.  Adjust your parenting style accordingly. 

5.  Kids like to brag that their dad can beat up the dad of other kids.  So whenever possible, go out and beat up the dads of other kids.

6.  If other children have better clothes or toys than yours do, then there’s only one conclusion that can be reached:  You’re a bad parent.

7.  Go ahead and have your child fingerprinted early.  It’ll save you some time and trouble later.

8.  Write your child’s name AND your home phone number on the inside of his underwear.  That way, school bullies can get ahold of you if there’s a wedgie-related mishap.

9.  Most children will grow up and be like one or both of their parents.  So, yeah, your kid’s pretty well screwed.

10.  If your wife is actually the stepmother to your kids, then history suggests that she will force your children into the woods where they’ll be at the mercies of a candy-house witch who will try to eat them.  Consider yourself warned.