When ??? in on the loose.

Fear the glass beads! For the crow leaves the clock tower at 12:19!!!!!!!!
Okay, that had absolutely nothing to do with my story, but it got your attention didn't it?

"Hey kids!" ??? yelled as he approached a group of people (??? isn't a psuedonym. thats his actual name.)
"Oh dammit, it's that guy again." said Lakoh generically.
"What guy?" Quois asked.
"I honestly don’t know, he just wanders by and starts talking" Lakoh replied.
(You know what? All these dialogue tags are getting cumbersome, and they're really just a formality.In any case, seeing as most authors just break the rules anyways, I'll just put a name before the dialogue to indicate the person talking.)
Quois-"Why don’t you just leave?"
Lakoh-"He just follows us."
Quois-"What if we split up?"
Lakoh-"Same thing."
Quois-"Isn’t that physically impossible?"
Lakoh-"Yeah, you’d think so, wouldn’t you?"
???-"Kids today have no respect for the classics. You and your gamestationbox 12s. Now SNES, that was a console."
Lakoh-"Are you gonna get to the point soon?"
???-"Do I ever?"

???-"Anyway, I remember a time when the skies flowed juicy with X to the power of e. But that has nothing to do with the story you’re about to hear. Unless it’s Tuesday. Which it isn’t. In any case there existed in this time a malevolent force known only to bob from accounting. This malevolent force was, as one might discern from its name, very malevolent. However, it was so powerful that it could get a AAA combo on Maxx 300, Maxx Unlimited, and Fascination Maxx all in a row on challenge, with X8 speed and boost mode on, and without holding the bar (for the 10% of the population who doesn't play DDR, this would be the equivalent of running 100 miles in high heels without stopping, doing killers for 5 hours straight, writing 500 pages of solid text by hand, or being in a pickette line for an entire year.), so no one could really do anything. Any mortal who attempted such a feat failed quickly, even those who were capable of getting perfect on all the arrows, ran into a new problem, when their hearts burst halfway through the second song. This soon led to-"

???-"Hey! Where are you going?"
Lakoh-"To get a snack. I’m hungry."
Lakoh-"Fine, but hurry up. Does anyone else want to get a snack?"
Quois-"Nah I’m good"
*murmurs of agreement*
(30 minutes later)
Lakoh-"OK I’m back."
???-"Took you long enough"
Lakoh-"Well, I had to contemplate the possibility of bashing your head in with a shovel, and how it stands with regards to being arrested."
???-"Oh, by now, the cops will let you off with a night in prison. Moving on-"
Quois-"Actually, I could use a snack now."

???-"Well, you should have thought of that sooner. Anyway, after going on a generic mystic quest to defeat the malevolent force and discovering it was really just trying to collect donations to create a shelter for stray cats (and devour the souls of random passerby), the protagonists of this story figured that it was more or less doing a good thing, and thus decided to leave things be. Thus, the world was saved, with a margin of error of +/- 112%. New problems soon arose however (new problems also atulip, apoinsettia, and adaisy (See, a rose is a flower. and arose is an entirely different word, but I'm making a puyn based on the similarity.), but they were minor and deemed not worth mentioning... wait...I just mentioned them.... AAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!).First and foremost a corrupt baron came into power. I mean corrupt even for a baron. Sure he did all the usual baron activities, such as demanding taxes equal to 200% of ones yearly income, instigating wars among other nations and selling arms to both sides, making infomercials, burning crops for sport, and, of course, releasing a swarm of plague rats upon his village, then charging 3.14159 times the normal price for the antidote. But this baron did far worse things, including door to door sales, telemarketing, funding rap groups, creating Xbox, keeping the best anime shows off television, buying 80% of the copies of all Atlus games and burning them (Atlus is a company that publishes very good games, but all games published by them are extremely hard to find (God, I hate pandering (Wow, that word is actually fairly innapropriate. Well, you know what I mean, and any onewho claims otherwise is just bein an ***)), and creating the step arrangements for the Maxx songs on DDR."

Quois-"Wait wait wait wait... Didn't you say that the malevolent force could beat a bunch of the Maxx levels?"
???-"Yes. So?"
Quois-"Well, if the baron showed up after the malevolent force was defeated, or at least ignored, how could he have created the step patterns for games that already existed. I mean, I can put up with all your various anachronisms, glaring omissions and blatant misstatements of fact, but when your story starts to defy its own time line, then I draw the line."
???-"Well, that’s easy to explain; time travel."
Quois-"Wha? How does that work?"
???-"It doesn't. Time travel never actually works, but that means you can use it to explain any discontinuity in anything, since people would rather just accept that answer than try to wrap their minds around the head-explody concept of traveling at will to a specific point in the time-space continuum."

Quois-"Well I think that-" (note: the following portion has been censored for content and replaced with an excerpt from the bible of the first church of RPJesus (If anyones finds this offensive, too bad. This is a comedic paper. and the only reason for anything to be offensive is if it hits too close to home (In which case one would have to admit it was true, so I win either way (Weeeee! Four asides at once! (Eh, one more couldn't hurt)))):)
"In the beginning, god created man. And he said unto us 'Oh ****!'"
~
"And so, upon returning from his vacation, god was quoted as saying 'hey guys, I just got back from-HOLY ****! What happened? Where’s the dodo? ...What? Extinct? What part of sacred animal don't you understand? I mean hell; I created the bald eagle for the sole purpose of guarding... WHAT!? Oh GODDAMNIT!...Actually that’s not a bad idea...'"
"And then with a single utterance of 'Shazaam!’ God obliterated the entire continent of Atlantis"
(We now return to our previously scheduled nonsensical rant about the minor misgivings of life :)

???-"Well, can't say I didn't warn him. Some one get a mop or something. Getting remotely back into the realm of possibly being on topic, after the barons meteor had been stopped by the pope casting holy (this is a reference to FFVII (a video game)), reality itself began collapsing. This was due largely to the fact that I still need to get a solid and consistent storyline going, and have been stalling for time.
Although, as long as I’m stalling, I might as well include the requisite whining about something that irks me:

???-"Sales tax as a separate entity
Yet another mildly annoying topic. Now, any jack***es/anal retentives reading this, pay attention: I AM FINE WITH SALES TAX. I NEITHER NEED NOR DESIRE A LECTURE ON THE PURPOSE IT SERVES IN OUR ECONOMY. SO SHUT UP. PLEASE. Now, what I have a problem with is why they price something at say 49.95, and then apply the tax when you make the purchase. Or when you ask about a price and the sales rep is like "that’s 250 dollars without tax." What the **** is that? Am I going to buy it without tax? The entire ****ing reason I ask for prices is to figure out how much I'm gonna pay. I don't want to do ****ing math every time I purchase something. I’m actually tempted to call up a store, ask for a price, and bring the exact amount they tell me. That way I can claim they misled me. The best part is, if were to make a scene about it, they’d probably just let me buy it without tax to get rid of me. It wouldn’t exactly be an accomplishment, but it would be quite a nice little victory for me. It’s like I say: “The pen is mightier than the sword. But it only does 1/8 the damage.” (Edit: apparently, in Japan, they list the actual price and have another label listing the price sans taxes.)"

???-"As I was saying, reality itself was falling apart. As was the case, God, Buddha, Mohammed, Totoro, Satan, Aetheor, Zeus, my cat Chubbles, Moses, Shigeru Miyamoto, Hojo, and whoever the hell Mormons, the Amish, and Jehovah’s witnesses worship (Jehovah?)teamed up to form a committee to each appoint a hero to try to fix this time space rift dealy. They each went and did their thing and it’s already 9:30 and I still need to do my calculus assignment and my AP psychology timeline, so I’m just gonna finish writing this tomorrow. Especially given that the final draft isn’t due until like Friday (possibly Monday for me since I won’t really be at school Thursday or Friday)."
Esoros-"… What’s he doing?"
Lakoh-"I don’t know. His eyes are kinda glazed over…"
Esoros-"Well… What should we do?"
Lakoh-"I’m gonna poke him with a stick!"

???-"Waaaaaachaaaaaa! Wait…What happened? Ah yes, the standard assortment of ragtag adventurers had discovered that the golden statue of a chicken that was supposed to be referenced several times in this story was a symbol of how the symbols in most stories is far too subtle, and the statue of the metaphorical hammer to the head was symbolic of how some stories have painfully obvious symbols. And with a click of my heels they arrived in the land of elements and encountered four shadows (Now, God knows I shouldn't have to explain this, but just to be safe (Particularly since I can't use boldface for emphasis apparently), this is a pun on the term forshadowing.). . These four shadows were gifted with the power to see the future and it was often said that there should be a storytelling technique named after them. They warned the adventurers of danger to come, then departed. Not the type to listen to the superstitious rumors of any of them, particularly the fourth shadow; Ing, the adventurers decided to set up camp. During the night they were attacked by a Story Elemental. This story elemental was powerful, but only had a CL of 5. As the adventures were all level 7 (There's really no analogy suitable for this, so suffice to say it's a reference to Dungeons and Dragons), they dispatched easily enough, but not before it had a chance to summon an iron “E" (Irony). This iron “E” seemed to be cursed, since whenever it was nearby, the most unexpected things always happened. Luckily, the iron “E” weighed well over 2 tons and was essentially rooted to the ground, and that being the case, the adventures were forced to leave it behind even though they wanted to do otherwise. After marching for a few days, they arrived at a plot (Plot) of land, where the four shadows were setting the stage for an external conflict (Conflict, and there will be several thinly veiled references to the various types of conflicts in the next few sentences.); the annual tournament of something or other, where participants from all over the world come to prove their strength and accomplish virtually nothing. In the qualifying round, applicants had to fight a clone of themselves, often referred to as the “Person vs. self” rounds. The second round was an obstacle course, where participants had to succeed in light of the circumstances. Finally, any remaining participants had to make it from one end of the town to the other, while the rest of society tried to fight them. If anyone completed these three challenges, they could enter the person vs. person rounds, which were single elimination. The adventurers decided that the entire scenario was a bit of a stretch and decided that they’d rather not risk their necks for a series of badly executed puns, even if the prize was a diamond necklace with a gold setting(Setting (Damn. It really kills jokes when you explain them, even if the explanation is unnecesary.))."
Lakoh-"…And ?"
???-"And what? The story’s over."
Lakoh-"But you just stopped. There was no climax, resolution, or theme."
???-"Oh there was resolution and theme. The heroes were resolute in their desire to avoid the tournament, and they wandered off humming the theme song to their favorite television show. As for climax, the only puns that come to mind are too racy, even for me."
Lakoh-"Wow. I feel an emptiness at the disappointment of your ending."
???-"Oh, you think it’s easy? Fine. The sun implodes upon itself and the time rift tears existence itself apart. Everybody dies. Happy?"
Lakoh-"I’m never happy."

(And that’s all. Man those people were quite the characters.)
(…)
(Point of view.)