The Journey

      I am standing in the dark shadows of the bridge – alone. Again. I look upon the black, glassy surface of the vast expanse of water below me. I look at the bottle in my hand – empty. I sit cross legged and lean against one of the supports, roll myself a joint and contemplate what choices I have left. I could easily rid myself of the sheer agony of being a slave to myself. I could rid myself of the anguish of being a slave to the addictions that have wrecked my body and addled my brain.
“It’s just a little step over the edge” – I murmur and exhale a puff of acrid smoke.
        I had always been afraid of dying but now, I simply don’t care. I feel like I already died years ago – and that the actual disintegration of my physical self was a mere formality. I am a walking illusion of a human being.
Empty, hollow, translucent.
        But what would it be like to die? Will I be judged by God and condemned to spending eternity in Hell for taking my own life – my “gift from God”?
        I see myself waiting in an empty lounge. The walls and floors are white and all the chairs are made of stainless steel. On the right, there is an ornate gate, worked with gold and silver, on the left, a plain door leading to an apparently plainer toom. There is a coffee table in the centre of the room with magazines messily organized - “Christians’ monthly – Can belief in God make you lose weight?” and “Protestant periodical – Free poster inside!” I look at my reflection in the steel table – I am no longer my haggard self. My gaunt cheeks have a healthy glow and my hair is thick and glossy. Elevator music plays in the background. A beautiful man clad in a white Armani suit and feathery wings appears and says that it is time.
I follow the Armani-Angel into the plain room on the left. An Apple-Mac computer whirs into life in the centre of the white cell with a single white stool.
“What am I supposed to do?” I enquire.
The angel flashes his set of perfect teeth and says “Unfortunately, God is away on holiday so we ask you to fill out the questionnaire. Once you have finished, you will informed of the verdict.”
I grin uneasily and seat myself in front of the computer.

Question one: Have you stolen?
– Yes
– No
I think back to the time I was short of money and stole a Bounty from the mini-grocers and select Yes.

Question two: Have you remembered to keep the Sabbath day holy?
– Yes
– No
I can’t remember the last time I prayed or went to church so I decide in my final moments to be truthful and select No.

Sorry, you can not continue with the questionnaire – it appears you have sinned too much in your life to enter the Kingdom of Heaven; you are condemned to spend Eternity in Hell
Have a pleasant day!       

I used to dream of making a difference in other people’s lives, now I can barely stand to keep going. I don’t want to be just an insignificant blip in the course of civilization. I don’t want to be the pathetic addict that throws themselves off a bridge – merely going from darkness to darkness. I long for the light. I know I have a choice to make. I can take that small step or I can take the long road towards rehabilitation. I could try to sever my dependence on those vile substances around which my life has revolved for as long as I remember. I should, but I can’t. I can’t imagine a life without them. The very thought frightens me and leaves me feeling more alone than ever.
And what if I fail? What if I try, and just can’t do it? I would have none but myself to blame. I just want to be fixed. I don’t feel ready to make the effort. But I don’t feel ready to give up just yet. The bridge can wait, the nothingness that awaits below the glassy surface of dark water can wait. Life, I muse, really is the only thing there is, there is no afterlife, one does not live on. Others seem to like it. I want that. I want to live and enjoy it, not live just because there is nothing else to do.
       
        I get up and wipe the ash off my jacket. I chuck the empty bottle over the edge and wait to hear it go “plop.” I search through my pockets and throw my demons overboard. I don’t bother listening to hear them hit the water. I walk away towards the other side of the bridge. My pace quickens and soon enough I am running at full speed towards the other side of the bridge. I am running towards the light.