I Like Cavities, They Hurt My Teeth

I'd go back and correct my mistakes, but seeing as how this is how I turned it in, I'll leave 'em. Plus I'm too busy and lazy.

I Like Cavities, They Hurt My Teeth

         Sandals? I mean c’mon, is that what it takes? I decide to scrap most of my original paper and outline, and my muse ends up being sandals? It couldn’t have been something else that- really? I’ve got to be kidding me. Although you might be asking yourself why following a title such as, “I Like Cavities, They Hurt My Teeth,” I’m talking about sandals. Quoting the paper in the paper, very nice. As it turns out, I was driving around thinking about how I didn’t like what I originally wrote, and for some reason I thought it would be better to use sandals as a segue into a discussion on ice cream. Yeah, crazy, I know. Who looks at their feet while driving? By the by, kids, not safe, don’t do it. But that at least explains my prisonlike podiatral protecting…intro, dammit. I don’t know if podiatral is a word, but the great part about making up words is that you always spell them correctly. :) Is that smiley face a word? Debatable. But a ten spot says that I spelled it right. And after all, I just bought them, and they were expensive, so they better start pulling their weight. But I also figure since this is an exploratory essay on ice cream that a ridiculously themed paper deserves a ridiculously themed beginning to go with the absurd middle and ludicrous end. I've gotta have at least a little consistency. But I wonder which one it was. Left? Right? Both? Who can know? Perhaps matters of this importance are better left unknown. But I’m seriously, what do they expect me to do, just walk around on them all day? Mood, meet set. Set, mood. Now that that’s out of the way, I can get on with it. Sweet introduction, huh? You got a two-for; one literal, one faux literal. Now on to the topic at hand.

         Ice cream. Yeah, how’s that for anti-climactic? It was either- well that sentence has an attitude. Apologies. Like I was saying, it was either ice cream or whether or not this “Safety Dance” does indeed exist. And if it does, is it sung about by hatless dudes, and does it in fact require carnivals and midgets. Don’t look at me, I didn’t make it up. But I chose ice cream, essentially, because it’s one of those things you wonder about since you were a kid. Just what is the most popular flavor of ice cream ever, ever? So maybe it was just me that wondered about it, but, yeah, with all that buildup you might’ve been expecting some whistle blowing tale about the dairy industry or something, and…I’ve got nothing. Just a seemingly simple question with what most people would assume has a simple answer. Ah, naivety, I knew you once, too.

         To start off the snow conequest, I first needed to find as many surveys as I could listing the most popular flavor of ice cream. Hello, Google, nice to meet you, I’m feeling lucky. That little illicit internet indiscretion led me to a page at MakeIceCream.com, which listed the top 15 ice cream flavors sourced from the International Ice Cream Association. The blue ribbon went to vanilla, at 29 percent, with chocolate in second at 8.9 percent, and butter pecan and strawberry tied for third at 5.3 percent; but no date (The 15 Most Popular Ice Cream Flavors). I can honestly say I was more surprised that ice cream has an international association rather than vanilla being the most popular. I am surprised that it has such a big lead on the others, though. Another webpage I found from the ice cream section on the University of Guelph website listed comparable numbers coming from the International Dairy Foods Association. The big difference was that Neapolitan was third rather than strawberry. This one did have a date, though, 2002. It was taken from supermarket sales in the United States, and was divided by flavor. With some – all nut or all fruit – flavors grouped together (Ice Cream Flavours). Since that list was generated some time ago, and the first site I looked at didn’t have a date, I wondered if the International Dairy Foods Association had an updated one on their website. But first, there was something else I wanted to check first.

         Another site, Most-Popular.net (hey, just what I’m looking for) also lists vanilla as the leader of the pack, with 29 percent. The site also goes so far as to touch on some of the origins, however lightly, and how it involves one Emperor Nero in the first century and later a King Tang in the seventh century. So it’s kind of a slow churned history. I wasn’t really looking for the history, but it was there, so I read it. Most-Popular.net also mentions that the first parlor in America was opened in 1776. Did this chilly culinary classic have its hand regarding rambunctiously robust revolutionary rabble-rousers? Oh, what a woven web we weave. Take that alphabet! I am the awesome now. But I need to find something that- no, way. Someone actually put together a food timeline. Ah, the crazy stuff you find on the internets. Anyway, before I got sidetracked, I was thinking that I should look at other sources to double check what’s on this site. I’m just a little weary because I don’t think, “generally complimentary taste have one [sic] it 29% of the market share (Most Popular Ice Cream),” is correct. That slight hiccup makes it a little hard to swallow the truth. But even if some of their information is incorrect, some stats they posted further down threw another roadblock in the way. Most-Popular.net’s figures from NPD Group’s National Eating Trends Services, list vanilla in the lead with 26%, but this is just for the United States (Most Popular Ice Cream). So much for an easy question. Since this got my mind thinking; sure, vanilla seems to be the leader right now, but we’ll have to see if that holds up. Because now I realize that the figures are going to be different based on where the surveys are done, which I hadn’t thought about at the beginning. One flavor that’s more popular here might be less popular somewhere else in the world. What could cause the difference? Culture? Geography? Demographics, maybe? Does one segment of the world hold a higher opinion on which flavor is the best over another? Who holds the definitive answer does it even matter? Plus, I noticed that whenever vanilla is listed, there’s no mention if it’s all inclusive, i.e. vanilla, freedom French vanilla, hear ye, hear ye, olde fashioned vanilla; you get the picture. Then you also have to wonder if vanilla doesn’t deserve a little bit of chocolates numbers, since you need vanilla to make chocolate. Oh, the fun I could have telling that to conspiracy theorists, however this is but humble grade work. It was supposed to be an easy question! Is there anybody out there that wants to play a dirge to go along with my self-loathing?

         Well, kind of too late to go back now. I already started over once and I really, really, don’t want to again. Sure, practice makes perfect, you say. But then I remember what the comedian Steven Wright said. “They tell me practice makes perfect, but since nobody’s perfect, I quit practicing” (When the Leaves Blow Away). Ugh, sorry Steven, I think you’re funny and all, but the grade gets the tip ‘o the hat. So it’s off to the IDFA’s (International Dairy Foods Association) website. While I couldn’t find a “list” list, I found probably the closest I was going to on the “What’s Hot in Ice Cream?” page. Touché, IDFA. Having a title like that makes me want to take a closelier look. Good thing, too, because they state that, “Vanilla continues to be America's flavor of choice in ice cream and…is the most versatile, mixing well with toppings, drinks and bakery desserts” (Robertson and Pupillo). Well, now we’re getting somewhere. At least this says why vanilla might be the most popular flavor. Wait, what’s this? “However, ice cream flavors are only limited by the imagination. Manufacturers, scoop shops and chefs constantly come up with new and exciting flavors for their customers [and] individual processors often release limited time ‘seasonal’ flavors, such as gingerbread, peppermint or caramel ice cream for the November/December holidays” (Robertson and Pupillo). Ahhhhhh, crap. Should’ve stopped reading. So vanilla is the uberbest for now, but for how long? Could the real most popular flavor simply have not been found yet? And just how shaken up does the list get during the holiday season? Maybe people remember a flavor that they haven’t thought about for a long time. Think about it. Thanksgiving and Christmas time come around, people get all sappy and emotional; sounds a little screwy. After all, you can’t spell sentimental without “mental.” Ugh, and the drudgery marches on. Back to the University of Guelph website.

         By now, after my quandary has grown rather than shrunk, I would settle for any possible explanation as to why vanilla is getting all the numbers. Let’s see, already looked at flavours, what else is, oh, history, rah-rah and all that jazz. Are you as on pins and needles as I am? I hope not, because I really don’t think- hell-o. Well, turns out even though there isn’t much to say on their page about the history, it does mention something rather tasty. No, not the ice cream. They talk about two different sources discussing the history of ice cream and where it started. One, “‘The History of Ice Cream’,[sic] written by the International Association of Ice Cream Manufacturers (IAICM), Washington DC, 1978,” and “Ices: The Definitive Guide,” written by Caroline Liddell and Robin Weir, to refute some of the information in, “The History of Ice Cream” (Ice Cream History). So let me get this straight. The IAICM, which from the official sounding name sounds like they know what they’re talking about, but then you have these other experts that say they know the real story and the other people are lying. So, little help. How’s a simple non-expert like me supposed to know how it all went down? Guess? How did my simple question turn into this? Stupid catlike curiosity. I need to learn not to click things.

         Apparently I’m not very good at learning. That was what, all of five seconds maybe? What could possibly have been my motivation for clicking the link which led to production and consumption information? I don’t know, either, but for whatever reason I clicked it. Evidently, it’s because I didn’t have enough questions to answer. Very first thing, there’s a list (from 2002) that gives numbers on what countries consume the most ice cream, in liters per capita (Ice Cream Production and Consumption). Great, more tribulations to go with my existing trials. I don’t even want to know what else- wait, defects and science? Okay, that’s it. Done. Don’t even want to know. I’ve learned my lesson. The last thing I want to explore right now is if there are defects in ice cream and I’m not even going to go close to the science discussion. I am not even remo- well, maybe just- nope. I’m out. It’s not worth it.

         Bah, it’s not so bad, you say. Check yourself before you wreck yourself. Let me run it down. Now, yes, vanilla has remained ranked number one throughout my ride on this wheel in the sky (read Journey) but, but! There is a but. Let’s assume that vanilla has 29 percent of the vote, you need 51 percent to have even a simple majority, and vanilla doesn’t even come close. So that leaves what? Yeah, no flavor is the most popular. This is just terrific. Now, you may be thinking that 29 percent makes it the most popular, but then you have to take into account that even though vanilla is getting 29 percent, that leaves a whopping 71 percent that like something else more or just plain think it sucks; i.e., for every one hundred people, there’s 29 that claim vanilla is the best, but there’s 71 other people representing the other flavors (in any combination not greater than 29) that will all agree those 29 are wrong, even though they don’t agree within each other which flavor is better than vanilla. So the majority is now that minority. The only way you can guarantee that one flavor is the most popular is if it has more than half of the people in the world saying it is. Because fifty-one will always be greater than forty-nine, but twenty-nine will never be greater than seventy-one. And what about how we should even judge the popularity? If three quarters of the world likes chocolate, but one quarter of the world has twice as many people as the other three quarters and they all like vanilla, which one is the most popular? Chocolate? Or vanilla? One wins by territory, the other by consumption per capita. Although, if I were you, I wouldn’t bother pondering it, since some people might not even have a favorite flavor! Mother fire trucker! Well, if you couldn’t perceive my frustration before, you obviously can now. But seriously, will it ever end? Probably not. And what keeps people from changing their mind as they get older? It’s been known to happen, and will more than likely to continue to happen. Take me. I was raised vanillian, and at one time became a devout chocolatonian, but now I’m a firm believer in daiquiri ice. The only thing I can conclude for certainty is that I’m done exploring. If someone else wants to dig deeper, fine. And I apologize for lying. Turns out the end is rather lucid compared to the quagmire that preceded it. The one thing that makes me happy is that I managed to get through this entire thing without using a “flavorite” pun and- oh, wait, I said it, didn’t I? That’s it. I’m not playing anymore. I’m out.



*And if you are wondering, yes, it is an analogy. We were banned from choosing religion as a topic to write about since it's such a touchy subject most of the time (even for some college students). So I thought it'd be fun to see if I could get away with writing about it without the teacher knowing. It worked. And she told me that she even went back and read it with religion in mind and said she understood it a lot more.



Works Cited

Ice Cream Flavours. 16 October 2007 <http://www.foodsci.uoguelph.ca/dairyedu/icflavours.html#vanilla>.

Ice Cream History. 16 October 2007 <http://www.foodsci.uoguelph.ca/dairyedu/ichist.html>.

Ice Cream Production and Consumption. 16 October 2007 <http://www.foodsci.uoguelph.ca/dairyedu/icdata.html>.

Most Popular Ice Cream. 11 January 2007. 16 October 2007 <http://most-popular.net/ice-cream-flavors>.

Robertson, Miranda and Marti Pupillo. IDFA - What's Hot in Ice Cream. 16 October 2007 <http://www.idfa.org/facts/icmonth/page3.cfm>.

The 15 Most Popular Ice Cream Flavors. 16 October 2007 <http://www.makeicecream.com/15mospopicec.html>.

When the Leaves Blow Away. By Steven Wright. Perf. Steven Wright. Elgin Theatre, Toronto, Ontario. 21 October 2006.