In Therapy

In Therapy

“Please make yourself comfortable, Mr. Lyon, and we’ll get started.” Dr. Smith said.

“I don’t really know WHERE to begin, Doc.” Bert said. Inspecting the chairs, he finally curled up on the couch. “I have always had a nervous condition; even as a child, it irritated my father to no end, eventually he disowned me completely.”

“Well, why don’t you start with the trip to the city? I understand there were a few problems along the way?”

“A few problems?” Bert roared out a laugh. “Yeah, I guess you could say there were a few problems all right.”

“Okay, lets start from there and maybe you can elaborate a little as we go along.” The doctor opened the voluminous file and began shuffling through the papers.

“Well, it all began on a Saturday afternoon. Early spring last year. I was walking through the woods. Doing a little hunting, ya know? I thought maybe I could scare up a rabbit, a squirrel or two, something small. I wasn’t trophy hunting or anything.” Bert rolled over on his side, finding it easier to face the back of the couch while he closed his eyes and thought back to that day.

“I would prefer it if you would face me while you talk, Mr. Lyon, and please speak up.”

Bert took a deep breath and with a nervous twitch of his tail, he sighed heavily and rolled over. “Okay, there I was strolling along in the forest, when this vicious little dog attacked me. With absolutely no provocation on my part, I assure you. Of course, I went after it. I had the right to defend myself, didn’t I? Vicious little buggers like that need to be taught a lesson, he was just lucky I didn’t call the dogcatcher. A little time in confinement and maybe a trip to the gas chamber was just what was called for. I didn’t hurt him though, the sneaky little beast ran back to its owner before I could catch him.”

The doctor scribbled a few notes in the file. “Yes, yes, go on. What happened then?”

“I was chasing the little bastard, I couldn’t deny that, but I wouldn’t have hurt him really. She had no call to smack me. I might have given her a good roar and a piece of my mind, but for her bodyguards. Ya know, one of them had an axe!

“An axe?” The doctor asked. “They were armed?”

“You bet they were!” Bert shuddered. “The other one had a big stick, but I think he had a gun too! I decided it was better to not push it. I would have just let the whole thing drop then and there. Live and let live is sort of my motto. I would have just went back to minding my own business and continued collecting my dinner. But of course the nosy little brat had to chase after me, she just wouldn’t leave well enough alone. When she saw how nervous I was, she started in asking me all sort of personal questions. Why was I in the forest? Why had I tried to bite her dog? Why was I crying?"

“Crying?” The doctor asked. “You were upset and crying?”

“No, I wasn’t really crying!” Bert refused to look the doctor in the eye. “I have a lot of allergies, ya know. Running around in the woods sometimes brings on allergic reactions and my eyes water, my nose gets to running too. I wasn’t crying! I decided the better part of valor was to just retreat, was all.”

“That sounds like a reasonable and prudent solution.” The doctor said.

“She hollered at me pretty good for chasing her dog. The thing is, Doc, she was a pretty persuasive and determined girl, too. She talked a lot about this wonderful city they were going to and this fantastic man that lived there. How he was soooo special! How he could fix a lot of things, things that were wrong with the world and things that were wrong with anyone. No matter what your affliction or disability, the wonderful man in the city had a fix! Oh she was a talker, that girl! She had a better grasp of the glittering generality than any politician. Well, almost any, I hadn’t met the mayor yet.”

“So you went with them?”

“Yeah, it was stupid, I know that now. Hell, we could have all been killed, The road to the city is fraught with danger. We had several skirmishes along the way. Once we were attacked by the very forest itself! We also had to keep an eye out for that woman from the west, her and her damn army and air force.”

“You all did make it to the city though?”

“Oh yeah, we made it eventually.”

“How did you like the city? Was it as beautiful as they say?”

“Yes sir, it was pretty all right. Lots of weirdos though. People with strange clothing and such. You ain’t gonna believe this, Doc, but there was a horse, driven by the gate keeper, that was one color one minute and then presto, it was another color! Must have been pretty handy for hiding out, was my thinking.”

“You got to see the mayor?”

“Well no, not at first. First thing was, we got taken to a spa. The gate keeper said we weren’t spiffed up enough to just waltz in and see the mayor. He said we had to get cleaned up and relax first. He said the mayor was a pretty busy fellow and that by the time we was ready, he would be too. If you ask me, all they wanted to do was fatten us up first, get us all relaxed and spiffed up to get us to let our guard down.”

“Eventually you did get an audience with the mayor though?”

“Yeah, an audience!” Bert roared out a short laugh. “We got an audience with the almighty mayor finally. The guards come and got us, then they escorted us out of the spa and took us up to the door. Then you know what they did? The rats run off and left us to go through that big door alone! I was all set to run right off with them too, especially when the door opened and all that fire and brimstone commenced. Like to give me a damn heart attack! This big ole head floated around, roaring and spouting propaganda slogans. Things like; DUTY, HONOR, COURAGE, EDUCATION, ya know?”

“He does sound pretty persuasive. Did he give you what you came for?”

“Oh, hell no! It wasn’t gonna be that easy. No sir, he hollered about, flashing and roaring, then he settled down a bit and said that we had to do something for him first. For him and the city he said, more propaganda about how the government can’t help out unless you help out the government first. He was a master politician, that one was!”

“So, he set out tasks for you to complete first, then?”

Bert roared out a laugh so hard he was overcome with a coughing spell. “Ackkkk, arghh. Yeah, you could say we was given a task to complete. Pretty simple really...” Bert coughed again. “All he asked was for us to go back out west and bring him back that old broad’s broom. Her broom! He didn’t add that the only way we was going to get that broom was to kill her. I think Dorothy knew all along though. First thing as soon as we finally got out of that mayor’s office she begun to talk, plead, cajole and finally threaten, the three of us. I would have packed up my kit and went home right then, but she said I would have to go alone if I did.”

“So, that’s when when you planned the invasion?”

“You’re pretty funny, Doc.” Bert laughed, a lot quieter this time. “There wasn’t any invasion. Just the four of us, five if you count the dog. We just got our stuff and started walking out of the city, heading west. We didn’t get three miles before we were set upon. Swarms of them fliers came down, took that fool dog and the even crazier girl. Tore Ray up pretty good before they left though.”

“Tore him up, my word! He was wounded?”

“Well sir, wounded is pretty tame for what they did. They tore him open, scattered his guts around and everything. It took us hours to get him sewed back up. I think it damaged his mind though, first thing he wanted to do after he was put back together, was go after them. Yep, I think it deranged his mind some. I heard he took to hitting the corn liquor pretty hard after it was all over.”

“I understand he went through a rehabilitation program and attends AA meetings, working a program is encouraging.”

“Yeah, he’s working on it, I guess. We all are, we all have our demons to fight. Anyway, Ray must have learned a lot from Dorothy and the mayor, because he started in talking and plotting. He got old “Iron Head” convinced anyway. I would have left them, but I wasn’t going anywhere alone now, so we listened. I didn’t think the plan was all that good, but it turned out okay. We snuck into the old broad’s fort, we managed to find the girl and the dog, even the broom. We were even pretty close to making our getaway when the old broad caught us.”

“Oh Lord!” The doctor gasped. “How did you get away?”

“We were right at the gate, almost made it out, when here she come. She was shooting flames and tearing around something fierce. That fool, Ray, jumped in the way or she would have incinerated the girl for sure. Ray probably would have burned right up, but the girl grabbed a bucket of water and threw it on him. There was something about that water though, some kind of magic I guess. When the girl threw the water, some of it got on the old broad and there she went, screaming and flopping around. Before we knew it, she just melted and dissolved away.”

“Her army was right there too though, weren’t they? They didn’t attack?”

“No!” Bert shook his shaggy mane. “Funny thing was, they just up and quit. The lead general said they hated the old broad. He said we could take the broom and go in peace. In fact, he said they would make the girl their queen if she wanted to stay. She said no, though. All the brat had been moaning and crying about all along, was that she wanted to just go home. So we took the broom and hot-footed it back to the city.”

“So then the mayor granted you all your desires?”

“HA!” Bert roared. “Ha, I say! No, that mayor was a complete fraud and liar. Oh sure, he gave us all a bunch of medals and fancy certificates. He even convinced me that I was a true and brave warrior. That Ray was as smart as a professor! That Jack was as loveable and big hearted as Santa Clause! What a crock! He finally said he would personally take Dorothy and her mutt back home if she wanted. Before he could make good on that promise though, he made Ray his successor as mayor, made me the sheriff and Jack head of the welfare department. Then the scoundrel just took off. I think some collections agency was after him or something, because he took off pretty quick. If the good lady from the east hadn’t come along Dorothy wouldn’t have got home. She showed her a quicker way back home.”

“So now you are a law officer?”

“Yeah, I guess you could say that. I still get pretty nervous though, keeping the peace can be dangerous, ya know? Ray said I should see about getting some counseling. So, that’s how I ended up here. Do you think you can help me, Doc?”

The doctor smiled and closed the file folder. “Oh, I’m sure we can learn to deal with your anxieties, Mr. Lyon. I think if we start with a couple of hours a week, you can learn to deal with these issues in no time.”

Author's note** This is a companion piece to

The Meeting  (18+) Satire, fantasy, comedy #1214694 by E E Coder