1/99 Trying to establish my place in the world. |
It's hard trying to be a man. Never harder. Some worlds turn, do a slow burn. Look to the left and to the right but there's nowhere else to turn. Search for stimulants with lack of parental consent. Life had no concept at 17 left with self-torment. Never had a father to grow up with, just to grow old- stale- while mom left me out in the cold. Nothing's harder, only having hope to make me stronger. Now fighting my fight all alone. Dogs in sight but I'm still at home. Stepmom tries to share strength from within but can't discipline. So free am I to roam but only going from home to home. Broken glass in place of bridges burned. Trying to erase my life cycle but the format changed with my stepbrother Michael. Little man rearranging my plan. Love that kid like my own. Tandem. 14 years separate but do not dilate. For awhile he saved a tougher fate. Still harder. Life in its forgotten form keeps getting darker. Coming to grips with reality is static from a transistor radio coming at me, wanting to be the whole sound system. But still no one misses him. Does it make me smarter? None the harder. As big as I get I still falter. Can't be a pal to my rears that I thought or wanted to know so well. Superinterdependent yet irreverent. Never asked to be so malcontent. Tried to adjust but love in my heart makes that bubble bust. Hello lust. Always the wanter but the house never is shelter. No shoulder to cry on. Leave a light on but no welcome in daytime. Stick to nighttime, alone in the backseat of a car. Not the idea of a superstar. Lacking support to go far from whoever my parents are. Going on, never harder the roads I've taken led more toward heartbreaking. Me or her, no more trust. Advisory never had a place when my head sees disgust. Grew up to so much hidden contempt and couldn't gain respect. So I was and shall be independent like July 4th but I was the first born on the 31st so I wear the 41. The first son. Wanton, forgotten, downtrodden. Long gone. So many stages different people in this story made mistakes in. I'm left behind to face that wrath. Never harder but I still walk that path. Combine my smile with my behavior and maybe I'll need a savior. But no quick fix will remedy the schemes inherited by me. Couldn't give props to my real old Earth; kin only by birth because her love had little worth. Ate the bitter end and this I comprehend but I digest with uneasy hands and refuse to make amends. I won't be sorry for the errors before me. Some never were around but still wanted more of me. When I bit the line I choked on the noose. When I tried to cut loose I was split like a runaway caboose. No sad tales left or tears of regret. Just let me get my teen years over with. Now ripe at 23, still don't always like what I see. But in life there's no guarantees. I'll have to leave it up to my seeds and me so I don't entrap them into the same kind of hell my childhood was back then. I'll fly with the obvious and spread my wings righteous so my children will have a better life without all the ruckus. Never will I leave my son like I was somehow forgotten. Bastard and rotten, no forgiveness from the unwilling undaunted. It's so hard to be "a man" these days. But these days aren't the same as always. Fight off regret so I don't forget but I was no accident. So what if I was unplanned? That never meant I had to be so damned. Through life experiences I have risen smarter but those times are departed. Still never harder. |