Kiira's Journal 3

We ended up back at my house again, back in my room. We were still in our clothes form yesterday, we’d fallen asleep in them. He smiled at me and told me that he usually slept nude. I didn’t even think about it before telling him I did, too, that it didn’t matter. I can honestly say that I don’t regret saying that though I’m embarrassed about it, that’s for sure. He gave me that smirk of his before stripping down naked and climbing into bed. I’d already said I slept naked so I didn’t have a choice but to follow suit…but I took a lot longer.

I’m never sure how to act. Ever. Clothed, unclothed, tired, awake, caffeinated, sober or anything. But I was never more unsure than I was right that second. I love him, not just like him…I…love…him. He’s told me he’s attracted to me but he’s just getting over someone else so I didn’t want to ruin anything. I’d gotten myself into a mess, and, well, it was up to me to get myself out, or is it in this time? I’m not sure.

I’m a swimmer, I love the water and I’m used to exposing my chest, but now I was cautious about it. Would he find me unattractive? I’m pale, thin and soft-featured, I don’t have an incredible body, just toned as you’d expect of a swimmer, at least I'd hope 'toned' is a good word. Sweater off, shirt off and nothing bad had happened. Jeans off, socks off and my heart was pounding. There was nothing left to stall with, unless I felt like taking out all my earrings, but that’d just be painfully obvious I was stalling and I didn’t want that even though, in all honesty, it had to be fairly obvious that I was stalling by now.

I move fast when I want and I’ve never moved faster than I did right then. Pulled my boxers off and slid between the sheets in around 3 seconds, literally. Hayo knew what I was doing, he laughed at me before reaching out and pulling me up against him and taking my breath away.

This wasn’t like before, cuddling in my bed. I felt his skin against mine, felt his heart beating near mine, blush was climbing my cheeks before I knew it. I didn’t want to move, not even to relieve the pressure on my arm, I couldn’t move. I just wanted to stay there, feel him close to me but I moved once, just once, slowly, carefully, I moved my arms up around his neck. All he did was tighten me in his arms and I relaxed a bit. He wasn’t going to let me go.

He started to sing. I love hearing him sing. His lips were close to my ear, I could hear him perfectly, clearly and it filled me with a sort of warmth, a beauty, in its own way, a form of perfection. He told me that nobody’s ever said they enjoyed his singing and I wonder who he’d been singing to. Maybe I’m just that biased but sounds fine to me, at least better than me, for sure. I’m one of those kids who sing to their showerhead and hairbrush. And, yeah, that’s about it. I dance, though, but that’s another matter entirely.

I just listened, he alternated between singing and humming, and I just lay there and listened, feeling his arms around me, his body against mine. Eventually the singing turned completely to humming, the humming to whispering and the whispering turned to breathing. Slowly in and out in sleep.

I never feel safe. Ever. Anywhere. I’m always scared and I hate it, it drives me absolutely crazy! I can’t take two steps at school without being pushed into a wall, hit or just shoved. I get teased a lot, too, but that’s easier to ignore, it doesn’t leave a bruise on my arm. But right now, with him close to me, I felt safe. Even though he was asleep it was like nothing was gonna hurt me.

Being that sort of scared individual, you can imagine it takes a long time for me to go to sleep. I have a sort of ritual…close the windows, lock the windows, lock the door, secure the room and then get into bed and try to banish negative thoughts long enough to fall asleep. But right now…hearing his breathing, feeling his heart beat, just knowing he was there, I felt sleep taking me faster than I can ever remember it doing so. The transition from thinking about him to dreaming about him passed remarkably fast.