Poems from a darker time

...Tears...


Tears flowing softly down my cheeks
under the brightness of the sun...

I wonder will this ever go away
I feel perplexed with my senses
My ups,downs,feelings,and emotions
always going on overdrive


Understand myself I do not
Understand you I will never do
I am neither known or educated about my existence inside

Not loving life was horrid
I know I am here for a reason
Wanted to experience a good life
Knowing I will soon...

I always want to be the person who has the right life
But I realize now I have a great life
Because it is mine
Don't ever take it away
It's mine
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...Everything Changes...


I was lost within myself today…
I was neither here nor there
I still do not have the answers I need to be myself
I must discover myself but in do time


I am disgusted with my past, present, and future existence in my “home”

Worries and hopes never leave my head
Mindfulness alive and kicking
No control for good or bad days
I get upset w/misunderstanding people
My hope does increase
Moreover, worry is decreasing on the mind


I hate to be in my idea of neverland inside my heart aches for reality
The music is playing so softly almost translucent from reality and it calls my name calling to join everyone there
I am willing and ready to get better and happy I need and want with burning desire for the norm


My life is complex with wrong feelings and emotions
Sadness and rage

Back and forth, the pendulum sways thru emotions
Back and forth, I go between my two worlds of hope and insane lands


Evermore up and down
Everything changes…
Either good or bad
Everything changes…
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...Numb to the reality of life...


Sometimes I feel like a broken record
And I say things I think I mean but don’t act on them
I feel worthless inside my soul in my spirit and mind
If things are going well I would take cover if I were you
The horrid soon will blow up in my face
I feel unworthy, not good enough
I don’t deserve the good life
To compliment my indiscretions
I feel I was born inadequate to perform a real life
Drama attracts me like a moth kissing a late night porch light

Now and then I get a little bit insecure
Wanna go out the door
To escape me
But no such luck is at will
Life rotates at expensive costs, risks, and choices
That at times does not solve or is best to fathom

So I take my luck as it strides
Hopefully towards the best
But with my attraction to trouble and hopelessness
I am destined hopefully not for a life of pain and misery
I don’t know when my thoughts or feelings will change
But for now I am this emotion…..
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...Rain...

Looking out the window pane
I see rain falling down
Fast & slow
Hard & softly
What a life I have
What a card I have been dealt

Between my ups & downs
I feel peace within
A calming serenity
However, when I am accepting this emotion in my life….
Up & down I go repeatedly again

Life is ever changing within & on the outside of me
With hope, dreams, pain, grief, sadness, happiness and love
No one knows what gift he or she will
Receive from life’s evil grab bag

You think you know me but you have no idea
If you do please do inform me
I am a lost conscience without an awakened soul
I hope the sun moves in soon…
For now it cloudy with a chance of hazyness…
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...Tunnel of Pain...


As I stride thru the tunnel of depression
I do not know who I am

There are tons of mirrors…

Distorted,Straight,Mosaic tiled as well
I see myself distorted within also
As well on the outside
I feel as though I am yet a sculpture lifeless and stone cold inside

Who am I?

The mirrors laugh
Speaking with shaking laughing voices they respond
A SOUL WHO IS EVER AND ALWAYS WILL BE LOST….

I SCREAM OUT

NOOO…!!


The mirrors shatter I see the real me
I see a light afar
I run towards that heavenly light
I am almost there
I trip and take a bad fall
I pass out to the floor with a thump
Please someone wake me up????!!!!
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...Dreams so Alive...


Blurry dreams not clear at times
I know I have…
But with that its always blurry cloudy disturbed in my mind
It is a very known dream I shall speak of…

HIM MAKING THIS REAL
This person hiding behind distortion in the mask he holds upon his disturbing existing face
Who is this marked soul in this reality of confusion??
I ask myself deeply within

In fact he all in all
This soul is not a man at all…

“He “is me now as I am going thru my pain
Blurred yet clear
Angry but sadly deepened by pain
……………………………………..
…………………………..
………
…

My eyes open up wide and I greet the day

Good day
The sweet dove you are takes flight
Find love in thine eyes and self
Today and forever…
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I feel I have to explain this one since its almost like two different poems its represents the back and forth mentality I had with a past relationship I had
You can almost see the transition of the feelings



Hiding Tears behind a Sunny Exterior

Lately it’s been hard to stay strong
I feel like a ticking bomb
I will blow any minute
Lonely without you I am weak
But with you I am as strong as a mountain
I hope you reach me before I blow and bawl myself to death


I walk slower with no pep to my step
But dragging on for miles
I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I keep your photograph close to my heart
Your voice is etched in my mind
Dreams are filled with your essence


As I have said I am trying to stay strong
But half of myself is missing
I know we can make it thru
But I am dying inside
I am broken inside
I am lonesome
I don’t feel right at all when you’re gone away


It’s been awhile since I could hold my head up with pride
My head feels like a rushing tide
Hiding my tears behind a Sunny exterior
Is all I have
And my feelings are becoming a whirlwind of races

To deserve your hug in the morning and kisses at night was more memorable than a scrapbook of my favorite times
I pass my time in my room filled with the good the bad and the evil memory picture scrapbooks
Those days I felt alive
I couldn’t wait till I got home to spend that time with you alone

With you not in my life is empty and paused
I know I am supposed to start my life over
Make a life mean something but it means nothing without you
Hiding tears behind a Sunny exterior
Is all I have to stay intact

I must say that I am sorry I am not a perfect person I continue being educated with our existence
I never meant to do those things to you cause you pain

But with yourself you must know you hurt me as well
And it still burns
I wish it will get to stinging soon
My burning inside is killing me badly
Hiding tears behind a Sunny exterior


So see that I care still but mostly for your well being
And health
Anything beyond that is for the good memory scrapbook
In time I will just have
A Sunny Exterior
But for now I am just…


Hiding tears behind a Sunny exterior
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