Better Than Me

The dress was what most brides dreamed of. It was simple in its beauty. White silk with a halter style bodice, it accentuated her tall, curvy body. There was no need of a veil. A veil would have detracted from the desired look the bride was going for.

A slender hand reaches for the three stranded pearl and diamond chocker that lay on the dressing table in front of her. It was a gift to herself; her something new. Her groom had laughed at her, wanted to know why she wanted something so flashy for a wedding. There had been no answer to give him, other than she just wanted the necklace.

With shaking fingers, she fastens it around her neck, and then adds a pair of diamond studs to her ears. There was a matching bracelet that she would wear as well. When she reaches for it, her engagement ring catches in the sunlight that streams through a nearby window. The ring wasn’t her taste, a waterfall design of diamonds and sapphires. She hated sapphires. Her groom had been so pleased with himself; picking out what he thought was a beautiful ring. She hadn’t had the heart to tell him it wasn’t right.

There is a knock at the door. The maid of honor steps inside, carefully smoothing the hem of her coral colored dress. Like the bride’s, it is halter inspired with a calf length skirt that swirled around her shapely legs. Unlike the intricate ribbon woven hairdo the bride had, the maid of honor’s hair was in a simple knot at the nape of neck, a gardenia pinned to the side.

“Are you ready?”Laurel, her maid of honor asks. It was more from nerves than anything. The same could be said for her shaking hands.

The bride, Jessica,looks up, startled by the expected interruption. She had known Laurel would let her know when the time had come. Slowly, she nods. Standing, she looks at herself one last time in the mirror; a beautiful bride with a sad face and a broken heart.

****

There was a crack in the ceiling; a rather large one, with a stain spreading out from it like a spider web. The stain was reddish brown in color, almost the exact shade of dried blood. He had a lot of experience where that was concerned; the blood not the stain. He was a surgeon. That use to mean something. Now, he had no clue what anything meant. It was as though life was this great big empty cavern. Every time he tried to fill the void, something came along to empty it once more.

‘I need to fix that,’ Drewï thinks to himself. He thought that every time he lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling, which was a lot these days. The real estate agent had told him this was a fixer upper that would be worth money one day. She had been right. The building had quickly become one of the most sought after on Puget Sound. The views were what did it. The old factory sported a wonderland of window walls, all with a fabulous view. His was one of the best. From his bed, he could watch the sun set over the Sound. From his living room sofa he could watch the sunrise over the city. There was a private staircase that led to the roof; his personal space to do with as he pleased. No other apartment had that access. The roof was his. It had potential. The whole place had potential. Potential he had done nothing with.

Sighing, he reaches for the stack of the photographs that lay a few inches away. Gathering them to him, he picks them up. Jessica’s face stares back at him. She was laughing, her face tilted toward the sun. He had taken her to the beach. It had been rather cool that day. April always was. She hadn’t cared. She had taken her shoes off, rolled up her pants, and told him to come on, come wade with her.

“Come on!” Jessica pleaded her green eyes full of wonder and merriment. Even as she said the words, she was bending to the side, lifting her foot to tug the white tennis shoe she wore off. The sock was dragged free as well, balled up and stuffed into the shoe. She repeated the motion with her other foot. “You can’t come to the beach and not go wading.”

Drew shakes his head. The water was cold. Hell, the day was cold. They both wore jeans and long sleeved shirts. “You’re crazy, you know that?”

“Crazy for you!” She laughed. Cautiously she dips one toe in the water. “It isn’t so bad.” She looks back at him. He raises the camera to snap a picture. As he presses the button, a wave rolls in, catching her off guard. She laughs her face upraised, full of surprise.

The wave had knocked her down. As soon as he snapped the picture, she had fallen flat on her ass. He smiles at the memory. He had scooped her up in arms, holding her tight so she wouldn’t be too cold. It had ended the day at the beach, but the whole day. He had taken her back to the house, told her to take a shower, warm up. She had smiled that sexy Jessica smile, and told him she knew a better way to warm up.

He shifts the picture to the back of the pile. The next one was one of them together. Laurel had taken it during some co-worker's going away party.

“Come on. Just one picture!” Laurel waves a disposable camera. Lifting the boxy thing, she aims it in Drew and Jessica's direction. Before the flash goes off, Jessica presses her lips against his check.

He touches the spot she had kissed. He could almost feel the imprint of her lips still there. Flipping through the rest of the photographs, he curses. “Dammit!” Raising his arm, he throws the photographs across the room. They hit a window, falling along the sill and onto the floor.

***

How odd. The bride in the mirror was beautiful. She looked like a model from the cover of a bridal magazine. With one exception, there was no smile upon her face. Instead, Jessica wore a rather sad look. One she didn’t quite understand. This was the day she had planned for. The day she would marry the man she loved. An image of Drew’s face flashes before her eyes.

‘No,’ she silently tells herself. ‘You don’t love Drew. Not anymore.You love Eric. You are about to marry Eric. Eric is the love of your life. Not Drew. Eric. Eric. Eric. She silently chanted his name. It felt almost as though she was trying to convince herself. It was ridiculous.Drew was her past.Eric was her future.

“They’re starting the music.” Laurel’s voice cuts into her thoughts. A reminder of why she was here. A reminder of what she was about to do. She flashes Laurel a smile. It was weak, it was phoney, but it was a smile none the less. Her friend seemed to buy it, for she smiled back. Taking a deep breath, she lets it out slowly. Upon exhaling, she picks up the bouquet of roses and gardenias.

She follows behind Laurel to the double doors that led into the church’s sanctuary. Eric’s family had gone to the church for years. That was the only reason she had consented to be married here. Otherwise, she would have held the ceremony on the beach; most likely right before sunset. There was something romantic about the beach at sunset, maybe some candles lit once dusk fell. The church felt so ordinary. ‘Like Eric?’ She frowns at the thought. Eric wasn’t ordinary. Safe, maybe. Ordinary, no. She loved Eric. She was going to marry Eric. End of discussion.

***

The clock on the nightstand next to his bed read 3:15 p.m. A glance outside told him the day was perfect. ‘Perfect for a wedding,’ he thought bitterly. He walks out of his bedroom, not caring that a slight breeze that had blown through an open window had sent the photographs scattering across the floor. He was beyond caring. There really was no point anymore. In a half an hour, the only woman he had ever loved would become the wife of another man; one that actually deserved her.

Drew balls up his fist. God, he wanted to hit something. He wouldn’t though. Giving into the self-destructive urge could harm his hands. His hands were his life now. His job relied on them to be in perfect condition. He let’s his hand relax, only to ball up again when he notices the newspaper laying on the steamer trunk he used for a coffee table. There it was; the reason for his disgruntled and melencholous state; the wedding announcement for one Jessica Stevens and Eric Jordon. He picks it up. The picture was grainy, but Jessica still looked beautiful. Eric had his arm around her, a stupid grin on his face. Not that he blamed the guy. For the most part, Eric was a loser, yet he had scored the ultimate Geek prize: a beautiful blonde. His chest constricts thinking about Eric touching her, holding her. He grabs the newspaper, balls it up. He starts to throw it much the way he had the pictures, then decides against it. He flattens it out on the trunk, staring down at Jessica’s face. He should be over her by now. Instead, he loved her as much today as he did the day he ended things.

***

The music was starting. Any moment, the double doors would be opened. Laurel would go first. She would wait for Laurel to hit the sixth pew and then she would start the walk down the aisle. Jessica’s stomach knots up. There was no reason to be so nervous. This was Eric. Her best friend. The man she loved. Oh God, she loved him. She did. Was it enough though? Was it the right kind of love? She had been so certain she knew the answers. Now, her mind was a jumble of nerves and confliction.

It was Drew’s fault. Perhaps it was petty to blame him. There was no help for it. She had moved on. She had finally made a life for herself, a life that was free of him. Or rather it had been until a week ago. When she had gotten that damn message.

Shaking her wet hair off her face, Jessica shuts the door to her apartment behind her. Nothing like getting caught in the middle of a rain shower. She had foolishly left her umbrella in the cab. When she had turned around to get it, the cab was already pulling away. She had thought she could make it to her building before the rain began. Foolish, silly thought.

Shrugging out of her damp jacket, she fights the urge to shiver. The last thing she needed was to get sick a week before her wedding. A sneezing bride was not a pretty one. She wanted to be pretty for Eric. She smiles as she thinks about her groom. She tugs the pink short sleeved sweater she had on over her head. She tosses it onto the back of a nearby chair. She would have to move it to the washer. Stripping down to her white and blue swiss dotted bra and panties, she drops onto the sofa. The micro fiber felt soft against her clammy skin. She tugs a chenille throw from the back of the sofa, wrapping up in it as she presses the play button on her answering machine. Laurel confirming the rehearsal. Eric letting her know he wouldn’t be able to make dinner. Various other well wishers. The last slowed the beating of her heart.

"Jess. Hey. I…” Drew’s voice hesitates, there is a sound of him letting out a breath. “I..I just wanted to wish you luck. So….good luck. Be happy.” There is another hesitation. “Are you happy? I mean, really happy? I…I try to be. Sometimes I am, but sometimes…Just be happy. Okay?” There is another pause, another deep gush of air. “I love you, Jess.”

The sound of a dial tone fills the room. She stares at the answering machine, her face and body frozen in shock.

He had had no right. No right calling her. Leaving her a message like that. Her grip on her bouquet tightens. Laurel gives her an odd look. She forces a smile, praying it appeared sincere.

The moment her hand dropped from knocking on the door Jessica regretted her decision to come confront Drew about his message. What had possessed her? After hearing it, she had stormed into her bedroom, throwing on whatever clothes were handy. Faded jeans that had holes in the knees and an old Iowa State Wrestling sweatshirt. It was after she had left that she realized she had on Drew’s old hoodie. She crosses her arms over her chest. Maybe he wouldn’t notice. She knew the chances of that were next to none.

She wasn’t prepared for the breathless feeling that overtook her when he opened the door. He looked the same, more handsome if it was possible. They stand there, staring for a moment. “Jess,” Drew says finally. He starts to reach for her.

Jessica gives him a stricken look. She wasn’t suppose to feel this way. As though time had not passed. The love she had thought gone seemed to resurface. It seemed to flare to life the moment his eyes met her’s. He raises a hand, as though to touch her face. “Don’t,” she says, hating the desperation in her voice. “Why? Why did you have to call? Why now?”

Drew his hand drop. He shrugs. “I don’t know. I saw your wedding announcement in the paper. I wanted to tell you good luck.”

“You didn’t. I mean, you did. But…why? Why did you say..” She lets her voice trail off. She wanted to know why he had said he loved her. When things had ended with them he had told her he had never loved her. They had been about sex. He had made that perfecty clear.

“Because I meant it. I love you. I always have. Doesn’t mean I deserve you. You deserve better.” Drew rakes a hand through his hair.

“Please,” she begs. The tears were burning in her eyes. She had thought herself past crying over him, crying for him. This wasn’t fair. Why now? She can feel the tears, along with her resolve, starting to fall. “Don’t say that!”

“I’m sorry. I..” he starts to reach for her again. She steps back until her back is against the hallway wall. She shakes her head, her hair falling in her face.

“Don’t! Don’t touch me! If you touch me..” she chokes, hating the wetness coating her face. “If you touch me I won’t want you to stop. And I can’t do that to Eric. I…I won’t do that to him!” She doesn’t wait for him to respond. She runs. As fast as her legs would carry her, she ran.

Jessica takes a deep breath. Her heart was pounding as fast now as it had then. Damn Drew. Her eyes fly to the knobs on the doors. They were turning. It was time. No. She wasn’t ready. “I’m not ready,” she whispers, looking frantically at Laurel.

****

If he was a better man he would be happy for her. He would suck up all the pain burning in his chest and be happy that she was with the man she loved. A man who was capable of loving her back in the manner she deserved. He wasn’t a better man though. He was a bitter one. One that was just selfish enough to think that he loved her more than Eric ever could. He loved her enough to let her go. That should count for something, but didn’t.

“I don’t love you, Jess. I never have.” He only pauses for a moment. If he took any longer, he wouldn’t say what else had to be said. “It was just sex."

Jessica stares at him for so moment, then laughs. "Stop messing around."

“I'm not messing around. It was just sex. What? You thought it was soemthing more?”

Running a hand down his face, Drew blinks at the wetness he seen there. Oh hell. He raises his foot and kicks the steamer trunk across the living room. It slides into the wall, leaving a dent in the unpainted sheetrock. He had no reason to cry. None. He hadn’t cried when his father would beat the shit out of his mother. He hadn’t cried when the old man had turned on him. He hadn’t cried when his little sister overdosed on cocaine. He supposed it was because all those times he had known somewhere along the way everything would be okay. This time, nothing was going to be okay. Any moment now, Jessica Stevens, the love of his life, would be announced as Jessica Jordan.

***

There was a tightening in her chest. It was all she could do to take a breath in, then let it out. It felt almost as though someone had taken ropes and wrapped them around her torso, then pulled them as tight as they could get them, then pulled some more.

“Are you okay?” Laurel was standing before her, her brown eyes dark with worry. There was a glass of water in one hand, the other was clenching and unclenching. “Do…do you need for me to get you anything?”

Jessica shakes her head, raising one hand to rest on her diaphragm. She could feel the muscles contracting, feel the pounding of her heart. She knew if she looked in a mirror, she would be as white as her dress and her eyes would be dilated. That she would have a panic attack right before the happiest moment of her life scared the shit out of her. It made her question whether or not it was the happiest moment of her life.

"Jess, say something. Please. You’re scaring me.” The fear in Laurel’s voice was real. It was also written across her face.

“I’m scaring me,” she managed to whisper. She closes her eyes, trying to conjure up Eric’s face. Instead, it is Drew’s face that appears. Her eyes fly open. “This is normal, right?”

“I don’t know. I…I guess so. What exactly is ‘this’?”�Laurel sets the glass of water down on a nearby side table, then steers�Jessica toward a burgundy upholstered bench. A sharp knock on the door causes her to jump.� Louise, Eric’s mother, peeps her in.

“Everything okay?” Louise asks, her eyes scanning over the scene. Jessica manages a nod.

“I just feel faint is all. I just need a moment,” she whispers. Her answer seems to satisfy the woman who would soon be her mother in law. No doubt the woman was conjuring up reasons for Jessica’s supposed faintness. Pregnancy was likely at the top of the list. The woman had started in on grandbabies the moment the engagement had been announced. The thought sends her into another round panic.

“Do you? Feel faint?” The question came from Laurel as soon as Louise exited. Her voice sounded doubtful. A frown mars her face. “Or are you having second thoughts?” The last was asked in a soft voice.

Was that it? Was she having second thoughts? Jessica wanted to say no. She wanted to tell Laurel that she had never been more sure of anything in whole life. Except it wouldn’t be true. A few weeks ago, she would have been able to answer ‘No’ without a moments hesitation. “Honestly, I don’t know,” Jessica hated the tortured sound of her voice. “What’s wrong with me, Laurel? This is supposed to be the happiest day of my life. I'm suppose to be happy. I'm suppose to just..." Her voice trails off. It was an inner battle between screaming and bursting into tears.

Laurel stares at her for a moment. "Jess," she sighs, shaking her head. Her dark brown eyes were dark with worry. For what seemed like hours neither of them spoke. They just stood there, the bride on the verge of panic, the maid of honor chewing the skin from her lips. "Jess," she says again, waiting to continue until Jessica's eyes met her. "I think you know what is wrong. I think you know what you need to do to fix it. The real question is, are you going to?"

****

It was a bit awe inspiring, how the crowd had been whispering one moment, then silent the next. All because of the creak of a door opening and a the strains of a familiar tune. The bride’s beauty contributed as well, Eric thought as he slowly turned around. He had been facing the priest, taking comfort in Father Donovan’s familiar face. It was fitting that this priest be the one to marry him and Jessica. The seventy-something priest had been a constant in his life, from his baptism to the burial of his father. It was only right that he be the one to marry them.

The amazed smile on Eric’s face seems to freeze in place as the murmuring starts up once more and the cathedral falls silent. The woman walking down the aisle was beautiful, the coral color of her gown complimenting her fair complexion. Her eyes meet his. Still his smile doesn’t waver. Laurel would come down the aisle first.

“Eric,” she says softly, glancing over her shoulder at the four hundred and something guests. “I…I..” Her focus drifts down to the folded piece of paper in her hand. “Here. This is for you.” She holds the paper out, her fingers trembling.

Eric takes the paper, unfolding it. A hush had fallen once more. He scans over the paper, then looks back at Laurel. “Thank you,” he murmurs, clenching the paper in his fist. He faces the familiar priest, trying to find the comfort that had been there just moments before. “It would seem that there isn’t going to be a wedding today after all.”

****

The clock that sat on the fireplace mantel chimed five o’clock. The chiming was a bit startling as he hadn’t realized he had fallen asleep. Stretching his legs out, Drew rolls his shoulders, trying to work the kinks from his body. It was done. Jessica was lost to him forever. His heart contrics as a lump forms in his throat. He ignores the burning in his eyes., and glances outside. It was raining again. No big surprise.

The sound of his phone ringing causes him to jump. Clearing his throat Drew reaches for the slim cell phone that was jammed in his back pocket. The damn thing was so slender he sometimes thought it was one of his credit cards. His body tenses up when he glances at the caller id and Jessica’s name is there. He debates on whether or not to answer it, then mutters a curse when he pushes accept.

“Drew?” Her voice was soft. It was like a soothing balm to his wounded soul. He knows he should respond, should say something, yet no words would come. All he could do was think about the fact that she was another man’s wife. “I know you’re there. I can hear you breathing.” There is a slight teasing to her tone. The corners of his mouth lift. “Are you smiling? You are, aren’t you? Drew! Come on! I know you’re there, dammit!”

“Yeah,” he sighs, “I am here.” He wanted to ask her why she was calling during her reception. He assumed she was still at the reception. For all he knew she was on her way to the airport for her honeymoon. His stomach knots up thinking about all the honeymoon would entail. Images of Jessica with Eric burned in his mind. He mutters a curse.

“I…” Her voice trails off. He can hear her sniffling and some sort of rustling sound. “Did you mean it?” Her voice was thick this time. Full of emotion. “Did you mean it when you said you still loved me?” Her voice broke.

Drew closes his eyes, leaning back against the sofa. He should lie. Tell her that he didn’t mean it. He couldn’t though. This was Jessica, the only woman he had ever loved. He owed her honesty. “Yeah. I meant it, Jess. I love you. I will always love you.” He scowls as someone rings the buzzer. Just his luck. Most likely it wasn’t anyone for him. People were always locking themselves out. “I know I shouldn’t have called you and told you that. I should have just…left things along. I’m sorry.” He presses the button to let whoever it was buzzing inside the building. “Jess?” He couldn’t hear her anymore. Moving the phone away from his ear, he glances down at it. She had hung up. It was for the best. She belonged with Eric. He slips the phone into his back pocket and turns to head back toward the couch when there is a soft knock on his door. “Go away,” he mutters. Not bothering with the peephole, he yanks the door open, his heart hitting the floor. Her hair was a mess, a large chunk of  curls hanging over her left eye. The silk dress she wore was splotched at the bottom with mud and stained by unrecognizable spots. There were dark smudges under her eyes where her eye make up had run. His eyes take it all in before looking at her left hand, her bare left hand!

“I love you, too,” Jessica says her voice breaking a bit. Her slender body shakes ever so slightly. “I…I was standing there, about to walk down the aisle, and…all I could think about was you. How I wanted it to be you in there, not Eric.” The tears that her voice had threatened were pouring down her cheeks now. “I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t marry him.” The slight shake turns into a full body convulsing as she sobs. “The worst part is, I don’t feel bad. I should feel bad. I just walked out of my wedding and I don’t feel sorry!”

Drew blinks. She was crying. It took him a moment to realize that. She was, but she wasn’t. There were tears, yes, but not tears accompanied by heart wrenching sobs as he had first suspected. No, the shaking was a response to her trying to hold in her laughter. “You…you didn’t..” she shakes her head, a giggle escaping her lips. “You just left? Without telling anyone?”

Jessica nods, then shakes her head. “Laurel. She knows. And…I wrote Eric a note. I couldn’t just…leave…and not explain.”

He continues to stare at her, stunned. “You wrote Eric a note telling him that you couldn’t marry him?” She nods. “You just…wrote a note saying you couldn’t marry him?”

“Yes. No. I mean, I wrote him a note. And it did say that I wasn’t going to marry him. But I also told him why. I told him that he deserved better. He deserved a woman who could give him her heart and I couldn’t do that because my heart wasn’t mine to give. It belonged…belongs…to you.” Jessica’s gaze meets his. “It does Drew. My heart does belong to you. It always has.”

~The End~

This story is very rough. I am open to any suggestions.