The Gingerbreadman... with a twist!

Joe Diaz



Hello there, my name is Ralph. But I’m sure you know me by my more popular name, The Gingerbread Man. I’m writing this to tell you how the whole story really began… and how it’s about to end.

The only things I can remember from the moments I first opened my gumdrop eyes, are searing heat and sitting up to see I was caged within a burning, metal contraption. I even found a dozen of my friends still being roasted in there with me!

I began to feel sick to my non-existent stomach when suddenly the fiery pit below me was extinguished. Of course, the heat in the room was still unbearable, but it felt a lot better to have the metal pan I was laying on stop scorching my… backside, if you know what I mean.

As I lied there surrounded by my burnt friends, I heard a loud creak, followed by some voices. There was a sudden rush of cold air, which I thought must be a gift from the almighty muffin man himself. Unfortunately, it was only one side of the room being opened.

On the other side, stood a small girl. She had long blonde hair and inviting blue eyes. There was a smile on her pale face as she reached into the room with one small hand. I sprang to my feet and ran for the far edge of the pan, hoping she couldn’t reach me.

The little girl shrieked and her hand disappeared in a flash. It’s just my luck that she’d be replaced by two very large humans. One was a man, standing about four candy canes higher than the other human, a woman, on his left! The man had short, messy, brown hair and a long beard. I, personally, think the worst thing about him was his tacky plaid shirt, but that’s just my own opinion. The man’s wife didn’t look too good herself. She had long flowing, blonde hair, just like the little girl’s, and the same enticing blue eyes. Of course after seeing the man’s horrible fashion sense, I had to notice what she was wearing: the woman had on, a long red dress with what looked to be a strange hat on her head. It looked like a droopy, red, cone with a cotton ball on the very tip of it.

Now me being me, I wanted to get out of there, and fast. I decided to make a break for it. I made a dash to the edge of the pan and leapt onto the tile flooring, causing a yelp from the humans. I immediately realized that there was nothing I could use to hide. There was a large table in the center of the room, a few chairs, and some huge boxes that I would never be able to climb.

And that’s when I found it. A tree, covered in red and green lights! A perfect place to hide! The leaves of the tree looked pointy, and hopefully would keep the humans from reaching inside. And on top of that, it reached almost to the ceiling, so it could keep me out of reach as well.

I ran like a madman, to the tree, only once glancing over my shoulder to make sure I wasn’t being pursued. Before I knew it, I had reached my destination. I’m pretty fast for a cookie, wouldn’t you say? I started the long climb to the top, luckily the many branches proved to be the perfect ladder, so I could easily make it to out of their reach in a few seconds. And to the top in a couple more.

I was amazed to find a decorative star at the top of the tree. As if the lights and strange orbs hanging from the tree weren’t enough, you know?

The little girl started jumping around the room, laughing like little girls do. “It’s a Christmas miracle!” She screamed. “One of Santa’s cookies is alive!”

“It’s not a miracle, Judy, it’s a monster!” The big man yelled staring at me.

The older woman was in tears, shrieking, “Kill that thing! It’s a demon! Having a living cookie in here is worse than the mice in our walls!”

Mice…And she called me a demon? Every gingerbread man knows about those little devils! They grab you, take you into those mysterious holes, and you’re never seen again. Not even a crumb is left behind.

That place was a house of murderers! They cooked my friends and harbored our worst nightmare within their walls. I had to get out of there!

I jumped from the top of the tree, landing next to a large door. Near the bottom was a strange rubber flap. I had never seen anything like it before, but that wasn’t going to stop me from escaping. I threw myself through the little rubber door and landed in a pile of strange, cold, white stuff. And what made it even more strange was the fact that it was falling from the night sky!

I ran for a while before the white stuff started making my legs a little damp. I searched for anything that I could use for shelter for a while, until my legs dried. There were houses scattered everywhere and twice as many trees. There were a few giant, metal things on a long stretch of pavement between all the houses; I think someone called them a car one time but no matter.

I took refuge under one of the cars for a while until it tried to talk to me! I couldn’t understand a word of what it said, but if it had kept me safe for a while, then I didn’t want to ignore anything the car said!

At first it made a few clicks and shuddered for a second, making me jump out of my frosting. “Hello, giant metal being, what is your name?”

It didn’t respond, it just kept rumbling. “I don’t understand what you’re trying to say!” I shouted. If the metal thing wanted to talk then it might as well do its half of the work!

The car began to move forward, as the rumbling grew louder. I decided that I may have made the thing angry and wanted to get as far away from it as possible. I ran out from under the car and made my way towards a house.

“What is that thing?” I heard a voice from behind me.

I sighed, wondering if this person would be like the people I met earlier.

“Ho ho ho. Did somebody drop a cookie?” I heard the voice again, this time it was closer.

I turned around to face this new human. The man was massive, about twenty candy canes tall. He was a rather heavy man with a long white beard and wore almost all red. He even wore the same hat that the woman from earlier was wearing. But the strangest thing about him was the giant bag he had slung over his shoulder. “I wasn’t dropped, I escaped. Now can you-“

“A talking cookie!” The man shouted. “Delicious!”

He reached down and grabbed at me. I jumped out of the way and started running, the large man giving chase. “Get away from me!” I shouted. “You’d really eat a cookie off the ground?”

The man didn’t answer and continued running, sweat forming on his brow. At this rate there was no way he would be able to get close to me, let alone eat me. “Run, run, run, as fast as you can! You can’t catch me, I’m the gingerbread man!” I said, laughing at my own catchy rhyme.

The man grunted and groaned before he gave up and walked back towards one of the houses, mumbling under his breath, "Since when have kids started making cookies that run away from me? Maybe it's a sign I should work out more."

It was then that I realized that humans don’t like cookies like me… and I wish some other things didn’t, but I’ll get to that part soon enough.

I walked for a long time through the cold white stuff, which I decided to name, fluff. I finally came upon a patch of trees and decided that there wouldn’t be any people in there. I could hear rustling near the base of one of them. My curiosity got the best of me and I decided to see what was going on.

I jumped on top of a pile of twigs and saw, what looked to be, a giant mouse. It had long ears, gray fur, and a bushy tail. The thing was sifting through the fluff. I shrieked. The only thing worse than a mouse, is giant mouse!

The mouse looked up at me and wiggled its nose. “What’s up, doc?” It said, before going back down into the fluff.

“You can talk?” I asked, getting ready to make a run for it.

“Great deduction, Sherlock.” The thing said. “My name is Bugs, Bugs Bunny, and who are you?”

“My name’s Ralph, but I’ve been called so many names today that I can’t settle on one of them. What are you looking for?”

Bugs brought his head up from the fluff once more. “I dropped my carrot and it disappeared into the snow. I’m so hungry right now.”

For a second, I couldn’t understand him, until I realized that he was talking about the fluff. “This stuff is called snow?”

“Yes it is, now help me find my carrot.” Bugs said sounding a little annoyed.

After a while of searching, Bugs and I were getting tired. “So, why haven’t I seen more of you people? Why is it only you?”

“I made a wrong turn in Albuquerque and found myself here, in Ohio.”

“That’s too bad.” I said, sifting through a pile of snow. “We’ve been looking for this carrot for a long time. Can’t we just give up now?”

“Either we find that carrot, or I eat you. Your choice.” Bugs said staring at me.

I didn’t want to spend any more time in the snow looking for some stupid vegetable, and decided I’d give this oversized mouse a run for his money. “You’re going hungry, then!” I yelled running off, farther into the woods.

“I’m a rabbit; you’re not going to escape me!” I ran as fast as I could, weaving between trees. All the while, Bugs was right behind me.

I started laughing, I enjoyed the challenge, but I didn’t plan on being eaten. “Run, run, run, as fast as you can! You will never catch this gingerbread man!” I shouted in between laughs.

“We’ll see about that!” Bugs retorted, he was still right on my heels.

I tried running faster, hoping my legs wouldn’t snap or that I wouldn’t trip on something. Suddenly I felt my feet being lifted off the ground and soon I was flying through the air, up into the trees. Something was wrapped around my waist and hoisting me away from the chase. I started screaming, trying desperately to get free, but to no avail.
It was then that I realized that whatever was wrapped around me was long and opposable. It was sort of like furry rope if I remember correctly. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what was attached to the other end of it.

“Hello, my dear cookie, you looked in need of a rescue.” A low yet melodious voice resounded from the trees.

I couldn’t see past the tree’s prickly leaves to see who was talking to me. All I knew was that it had a long, fuzzy tail “I didn’t need saving!” I shouted at the bodiless figure. “I was doing just fine.”

“But you were being pursued by a rabbit, surely you wouldn’t have escaped,” The voice said again.

“Who are you?” I asked getting irritated at the fact that my race had been ended so abruptly.

“Where I come from, we don’t have specific names, but the local humans call me ‘Monkey’. Whatever that’s supposed to mean,” The tail brought me inward towards the tree revealing a large figure, about twice the size of Bugs. He had long arms, brown fur, and his legs were wrapped around a tree branch. His face almost looked like that of a human’s. “My, my, you look delicious.” He said, licking his lips.

“I assure you, after all of the stuff I’ve gone through today, I will not be appetizing. I have been all over the ground, I’m soggy from the snow, I have got dirt all over me.” I said, hoping to sound disgusting.

“I’ve eaten worse,” The monkey said with a grin. “And besides, if people have been chasing you around all day, I’m sure you are worth the sentimental value of knowing that only I could catch you, no? And my reward should be the privilege to dine on such a magnificent cookie.”

To tell you the truth, this Monkey made being eaten sound pretty good and he had presented some pretty excellent points. But, I’m a sore loser. “Oh, but you didn’t catch me,” I said. “I was in the middle of running from Bugs when you snatched me up. If I had known about you, the outcome would have been different.”

The monkey took his time pondering my reply, and I hoped he would agree to my challenge.

“Very well, cookie, I will engage you in a race of my own, and to the victor go the spoils, might I say. If I catch you, you get eaten, and if I don’t, you can go on your merry way. Deal?”

“I like you, Monkey,” I said extending an arm to him. “I accept the challenge.” Little did I know that I had just sealed my fate.

The monkey shook my hand and he lowered me to the ground. “Very well then, my good sir. I will give you a couple seconds to get started, but remember, I will be right behind you throughout this entire race.”

I had no intention of losing; there was no way it could happen. I had been having way too much luck right through this entire day, and I was confident that it wouldn’t run out just yet. “Goodbye, Monkey.” I said as my feet touched down on the snow.

“You will be staying with me longer than you’d think.” The monkey replied. He was starting to scare me. But before my knees started to quake, I wanted to take advantage of my head start and I began running. After a few seconds I could hear the monkey rustling through the trees.

I knew that I had to get out of this small patch of forest as fast as possible. Apparently this monkey could move a lot faster in the trees, and worse, I can’t see him up there. I ran faster, ducking under logs and weaving between trees.

“My dear boy, you’re going to have to do better than that,” He’d say every time one of my maneuvers failed. I started to feel as if agreeing to this challenge was a big mistake… It was.

I finally saw the edge of the forest not far from where I was. It would only take a few seconds to be far away from the trees and forcing the monkey into the open, sealing my victory. I focused all of my will on getting through that gap in the forest, knowing at any moment I could be taken away to be eaten like my brothers back at the house. There was no way I could lose now.

“Run, run, run, as fast as you can! You can’t catch me, I’m the gingerbread man!” I yelled, savoring my non- existent victory.

I was maybe three candy canes away from the edge of the forest when it all happened. The all familiar tail of the monkey swooped down and wrapped itself around my legs, hoisting me into the air once more.

I kicked and screamed and wiggled, trying frantically to make him loosen his grasp. It never worked. Suddenly, I was right back up in the trees, and almost pressed against the monkey’s face. “I guess I can catch this gingerbread man,” He jeered, his formal tone being thrown away. “But, I don’t think you’re a gingerbread man. The proper term would be ‘Banana bread man’. It’s a common mistake, really.”

“I’m not made of banana bread!” I shouted, trying to delay the inevitable.

“Oh, but you are. My nose never lies when it comes to bananas. Maybe I’ll have to have a taste, just to make sure.” He said with a grin.

With one flick of his tail, I was thrown into the air, falling down towards the gaping maw of the monkey. You’d think he would at least take the time to chew me, but he didn’t, and here I am: writing this story from inside the monkey’s dark gullet. Now if you’ll excuse me, my pen is starting to dissolve, and I’m next in line. If anybody comes across this story in the future, let the truth be told: this is how the story actually happened.