The 'Welcome to America' Quiz

QUESTIONNARE:
The 'Welcome to America' Quiz
So you want to immigrate to this country? Fine! We'd love to have you, but first you'll have to take the new, real citizenship test by Stephen Sherrill

1. Complete the following chant:

"U.S.A.! U.S.A.! _____!"

U.S.A

2. Which of the following things does the term 'Minuteman' not refer to?

a) A member of the militia in the early American colonies
b) An American land-based ICBM missile.
c) A male suffering from premature ejaculation.
d) Rush Limbaugh
e) A quasi-racist right-wing nationalist
f) Someone who likes to play dress-up and "patrol" the border
Answer

Technically, d - though if you want to make a case, based on the other definitions, that the term most definitely applies to d, that's fine, too.

3. In what month does the television season begin?

Answer

September

4. Fill in the lyrics of our National Anthem, "Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (The Angry American)," by Toby Keith:

You'll be sorry that you messed
With the U.S of A.
'Cause we'll ____
It's the American way
a) Go to the U.N Security Council and demand sanctions.
b) Use force, but in a propotional way
c) Respond rationally in a way consistent with our long-term interest
d) Put a boot in your ass
Answer

D

5. If you're talking to someone who speaks a language other than English, you should:

a) Try to speak the other person's language
b) Continue to speak English
c) Continue to speak English, but slower and louder.
Answer

C

6. Political-History Essay Question: Explain the significance of the cigar to the Executive Branch.

Answer

Answer may include references to the following: "What this country really needs is a good five-cent cigar." Cuban agents attempting to assassinate John F. Kennedy with an exploding cigar [not to be confused with the CIA's attempts to kill Fidel Castro with an exploding cigar] and the forty-second president of the United States "chewing on a cigar...and kind of looking at the cigar in...sort of a naughty way."

7. What do the following acronyms stand for?

OMG
IMHO
LOL
ROTFL
ROTFLOL
WWJD
FU
Answer

Oh, my God, in my humble opinion, laughing out loud, rolling on the floor laughing, rolling on the floor laughing out loud, what would Jesus do? fuck you

8. Identify the celebrity sex tape associated with each of the following quotes:

a) "Look how lucky your mommy is. This is going to get her through the rest of her life!"
b) "You are so fucking sexy. Where's the zoom on this fucking piece of shit!"
c) "Let me get my phone."
d) "Harder, Rob, she wants it harder!"
Answer

a - Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee, b - Colin Farrell and Nicole Narain, c- Paris Hilton and Rick Salomon, d - Rob Lowe and an unidentified 16-year-old

9.How long does the term for the new 'American Idol' last?

Answer

Forever

10. Name the parents of the following babies:

a) Apple
b) Suri
c) Shiloh
d) Lourdes
e) Rocco
Answer

a - Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, b - Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise, c - Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, d - Madonna and Carlos Leon, e - Madonna and Guy Ritchie

11. Who's more annoying?

a) Rob Reiner or Alec Baldwin?
b) Dane Cook or Margaret Cho?
c) David Brooks or Thomas Friedman?
d) Nancy Grace or Kim Jong II?
Answer

All answers accepted.

12. Complete the following Ad slogan: "When you say Budweiser, you've _______"

a) Significantly decreased your chances of getting laid.
b) Significantly decreased your chances of drinking beer.
c) Significantly ingratiated yourself to that shy young lady on the opposite page [picture of girl in a bikini]
d) Said it all
Answer

D

13. Which of the following has been rumored to be the real reason for the start of the war between Paris and Nicole?

a) Nicole started spreading rumors about Paris.
b) A bunch of girls were at Nicky's place to watch a tape of Paris on SNL, and like, someone puts the tape in the machine or whatever, and it's like, the sex tape of Paris and Rick. Totally serious.
c) Nicole knows what she did, and that's all [Paris is] ever going to say about it.
Answer

All of the above

14. Arrange the following in order of smallest to largest:

Venti
Tall
Grande
Short
Answer

Short, Tall, Grande, Venti

15. If someone says, "Oh no, he didn't!" – did the person, in fact, or did he not?

Answer

Yes, he did.

16. Which number is the U.S.A?

Answer

One

17. Rank the Jacksons from most normal to weirdest:

Jackie
Janet
Jermaine
La Toya
Marlon
Michael
Randy
Rebbie
Tito
Answer

Rebbie, Jackie, Randy, Marlon, Tito, Jermaine, Janet, La Toya, Micheal

18. Who was Hilary Duff talking about in her song 'Haters'?

You're the queen of superficiality
Keep your lies out of my reality...
Answer

Lindsay Lohan

19. Are Lindsay Lohan's breasts real?

Answer

Hopefully

20. Branson, Missouri, is:

a) The greatest place on earth
b) The worst place on earth
Answer

Both answers accepted

21. Finish this quote that Tom Cruise said about Katie Holmes: "I will forever with this woman be jumping on couches, dancing on tables, and ________"

a) Freaking people out with my intense stare and creepy laugh.
b) Worshipping a delusional science fiction author.
c) Hanging from chandeliers
d) Having consensual sex with another man.
Answer

C

22. What are you likely to be called if you find Ann Coulter funny?

Answer

Ann Coulter

23. What are you likely to be called if you find Ann Coulter 'hot'?

Answer

Ann Coulter

24. Complete the following bumper sticker: You've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives ________

a) Blood Regularly
b) A Good Neck Massage
c) A Shit
Answer

C

25. After what time of night is it legitimate to consider making a 'booty call'?

Answer

11. P. M

26. Why did the United States invade Iraq in 2003"

Answer

All answers accepted.

27. "It's all ______"

a) In a day's work
b) Included in the price of the Showtime Rotisserie. You'll get the flavor injector, the kabob rods, the complimentary barbecue gloves...
c) Good
d) Gone horribly, horribly wrong
Answer

D