That Black Satin Strap

                            That Black Satin Strap

                                                                     Marty Livingston
         
        It was that black satin strap.  It put Jim over the edge. It happened on the

day of the freshman mixer at college.  The strap was the trigger that did it.
 

        That morning Jim awoke from a dream with a start.  He was in a cold sweat

and his heart was beating double time.  In the dream he was in a room with several

other college kids.  On one side of the room there was a brown leather satchel open

at the top.  Peering out from the satchel were several dark, diamond headed,

snakes.  They slithered and hissed as their tongues darted out in Jim’s direction. 

Jim had always been terrified of such creatures, but in the dream, he was

mesmerized. 

          I wonder if they are going to come out of the satchel.  Nothing is stopping

them from slithering out, he thought.

            On the other side of the room two girls were standing facing each other. 

They were clad only in bra and panties.  He watched the one on his left with riveted

attention.  She was blonde, kind of tomboyish in a sexy way and wearing a black

satin bra.  The girls embraced and then suddenly separated.  The girl Jim was

focused on was shaking.  She began to cry.  Jim moved to comfort her. He

stroked her gently on her shoulder.  As he began to caress her neck, his fingers

slid under her bra strap.  Once he touched the strap he was mesmerized.  Then

suddenly he awoke with a start.


            The dream left Jim feeling uneasy.  The snakes reminded him of a pet

snake that he had as a teenager.  He was fascinated and afraid of it all at once.  It

was much skinnier and smaller than the snakes in the dream and it didn’t have a

diamond shaped head the way they did.

            He loved to take it out of the bottle he kept it in and let it slither around his

fingers.  One day he took it to the camp where he was a counselor.  He was thrilled

to show it off to the kids.  They were frightened of the snake and impressed with his

bravery, 


          As he proudly handled it, struggling to appear fearless, it bit him.  He

dropped it in shock and it slithered off into the bushes.  All the kids were terrified

and his head counselor was quite upset with him. 

                Jim felt tense through the rest of the day and could feel his heart

beating as he left for the mixer.  In the long couple of days that he had been at

school so far, he hadn’t met any kids that he felt he fit in with.  There were a few

guys he could talk to at basketball tryouts, but none that felt like a possible friend. 

I just don’t belong at this school, he thought.  It is going to be awful to be stuck

here for four years.  I hate it already.


            Talking to girls was always rough for Jim and he hadn’t made much of an

attempt to approach anyone at school so far.  Maybe the mixer will be different. 

Maybe I can get to know some girls or even ask someone out on a date.  Maybe I

don’t have to be so slow about it.  After all, that’s what the mixer is for.  Think

positive, he told himself as his shoulders tightened and his pulse raced.               


        Once at the mixer he found a safe corner and watched the other kids having

fun.  Across the room his gaze fixed on a pretty blonde girl.  What really caught his

attention was the sparkle in her eyes, but it didn’t take long for his eyes to make

their way down to her legs, her tan, smooth, gorgeous legs.  His attention stayed

riveted on her.  As his gaze went back to her blue-green eyes, she smiled.  Is she

smiling at me? He thought hopefully.  A few moments later she again looked in

Jim’s direction and smiled.  This time he was pretty sure she was smiling at him.

She was standing with another girl and talking to a guy that he remembered from

basketball tryouts.  His heart seemed to be moving up into his throat as he smiled

back at her.  Do I dare? He thought.

              He held out his hand to the guy as he approached.  “Hi Ron.  That was some tryout scrimmage wasn’t it?”


              “Yes, it isn’t going to be easy to make the team,” Ron replied rather coolly.


Here goes nothing, Jim thought.  Mustering as casual a tone as he could, he

continued.  “Well, aren’t you going to introduce me to these lovely ladies?”


      “Sure.  Jenny and Denise, this is my friend Jim.”

        “Hi Jim,” Jenny said with that same shy yet warm smile.  This close it melted

Jim’s heart.  Still, he tried to remain cool.  “Where are you girls from,” he asked.

“Charleston,” Jenny replied.


          “That explains the southern charm,” Jim said with a smile.  I can do this, he

thought.
         

            After a few polite exchanges with Ron and Denise, Jenny looked into Jim’s eyes.  “My punch glass is empty Jim.”
         

          “I will be delighted to fill it for you,”
         
        Jenny took Jim’s arm.  “I’ll go with you,”
   
              They refilled their punch glasses and then separated themselves from

the crowd.  Wow, Jim thought.  Is this really happening?  He could hear his own

breathing as he tried to come up with something cool to say.  The silence lasted


forever.
         
            “How do you like this place?  Jim asked.”
         
            “It’s okay I guess.  I’ve been busy getting my bearings.  I am not used to

being away from home.  In Charleston, with my family, there is always someone to

talk to.  Here my roommates seem to be gone most of the time and I haven’t met

many friends.  How about you?”
         

            “I don’t know.  The basketball team seemed okay, but aside from that I’ve

kept pretty much to myself.  I don’t like my roommate.  In fact, I don’t like living in

a dorm.”
         
          “I would probably hate living in a dorm.  I live in an apartment a few blocks

from campus with some sophomores.”
         
          Jim’s eyes lit up.  “How did you manage that?  I thought that freshman had

to stay in the dorm.”
         

          Jenny laughed with delight.  “Daddy is on the Board of Trustees.  He made

a few phone calls and, voila, I have permission to live off campus.  It is just a few

blocks to walk to classes and it is so much nicer than the dorm.  I don’t like

restrictions.  I like to do what I want and not to have to answer to anyone.”
         

            “A free spirit, I could tell that from the sparkle in your eyes all the way

across the room when I first spotted you.  It was the first thing I noticed about you. 

I really like that sparkle.”
         

          “So, that was the first thing you noticed.  And what was the second thing?
         
        Jim’s face turned a bit red.  He tried to manage a cool smile and duck the

question.  “Oh, no one thing.  Just how pretty you are.”
         

        Jenny smiled.  Her eyes flashed with fun again.  “That’s always nice to hear,

but I know you aren’t really telling.”
         

            “No, I guess not.  Where’s your apartment?”
         

            “On Church Street, just the other side of the park.”
         
              Time went very quickly and before Jim knew it Jenny hooked her arm in

his and said playfully, “Will the gentleman escort the lady home now?  I have had

enough mixing for the night.”
         

            “Sure. The gentleman would be very happy to walk the lady home.  We

can cut through the park.” 
         
            That word “gentleman” set off a bunch of feelings and fleeting images.  He

could hear his mother’s voice.  “What a girl really wants is a gentleman.  If you are

a gentleman, then in the long run, you will be the one that women want.” 
         
        “Mom, I don’t get it.  What do you mean gentleman?” 
         
              “Be nice.  Treat a girl in a way that says she’s special.  You know what I

mean.”
         

                “Not really.”
         
                Not really, but between the lines Jim knew what his mother meant.  He

never thought about it much, but that word gentleman coming from Jenny made him

his shoulders tight and his breathing shallow.

            They left the mixer arm in arm.  Once they were out in the brisk fall air

Jenny leaned in against Jim’s shoulder.  Walking that close was, at the same time,

a bit awkward and wonderful.  After a block or so, she let go of Jim’s arm in order to

walk more freely.  At the same time, Jim took her hand and squeezed it.  He held it

like he would never let her go.  Jenny squeezed back as they walked wordlessly

through the park stopping on a bench for a long intimate kiss.  Jim could feel his

excitement mount as his tongue darted into Jenny’s welcoming mouth.

            When they reached Jenny’s apartment she swung the door open and

without a word being spoken welcomed Jim in.  The entryway led into the living

room.  Jenny went briefly into the bedroom to get a couple of CDs.  When she

returned she left the bedroom door wide open and Jim couldn’t help noticing the

inviting double bed within.

                    "Gentleman", he heard in his head.  He had a quick flash of girls he

had gotten this close to.  Rhona had taken him home early from a movie.

                 
                            “Let’s go.”

                  “Don’t you want to see the movie?”

                    “The movie is okay, I would just like to go.”

                    “I guess that you don’t feel well.”

                    “I guess so.  Let’s just go.”

                    “My parents are out for the evening.  They will be out till about

twelve.”


                    When they got to Rhona’s house she unlocked the door and led Jim

right up to her bedroom.  She lay back on her bed smiling.  Jim sat at the edge of

the bed and stroked her head for a few minutes.  “I guess that if you don’t feel well,

I should get going.  I hope you feel better quick.”

                  “Whatever,” Rhona murmured.
           
                  Jenny put some soft music on, took Jim’s hand and led him to the


couch.  As they sat down together she curled up next to him and rested her head

on his shoulder.  Jim placed his arm behind her head and drew her even closer. 

Their lips met in a passionate kiss.  Jenny brought her legs up onto the couch and

her skirt slid up a bit above her knees. 
             
                  Jim placed his hand gently on Jenny’s knee as he gently but firmly

began to nibble on her neck.  Jenny giggled.  “So now that we know each other can

you answer my question?”

                  “Question?”
             
                    “You know.  You can’t duck it now.  When you saw me at the mixer

the first thing you noticed about me was my eyes.  I asked you what the second

thing was and you turned red.  You didn’t answer.  So, what was the second thing

you noticed about me, after my eyes?  Can you tell me now?”

“Yes, it was your legs, your wonderful smooth legs.” 

“I knew it, I knew it.  I could feel it all the way across the room.”

Jim slid his hand gently under Jenny’s skirt. 
                 
                  “Your leg is so silky smooth. “  He slid his hand further and began to

caress Jenny’s inner thigh.  This gentleman stuff has never worked for me, he

thought.  Dare, he told himself.  “Gentleman,” his mother’s voice sounded in his

head.


              Jenny purred, but then gently took Jim’s hand and moved it away.  “No,

Jimmy.  Not yet.

              Jim had flashes of how much Jenny would like him if he “behaved.”  He

returned his hand to her shoulder and stroked her gently as they continued to kiss. 

After a few moments he again moved his hand down to her knee and then under her

skirt to her delicious thigh.

            “No, Jimmy.  Not yet.”

            Again Jim backed off.  He felt his whole body bursting with passion.  He

also felt an angry tightness building in his shoulders.  He moved his attention back

to Jenny’s neck.  He moved his hand down her shoulder.  It was then that his

attention riveted on that black satin strap. 

                  Jim played with the strap and nuzzled his head into the curve of Jenny’s neck.

                “You smell so great.  I just want to inhale you.” 

                Jim became more aggressive.  He pulled Jenny towards him by the strap
                  "Come here,” he said fighting his mother’s voice.  “Be a gentleman he heard inside.”

                  “Jimmy, slow down.  Please slow down.”

                Jim heard Jenny’s words.  He couldn’t hear the warmth in her tone or

her passion.  He only heard his mother’s tone.  “Be a gentleman.  Slow down. 

Behave.  Don’t be selfish.”


              Jim slowed down.  He could feel his erection collapse and his arms grow

suddenly heavy.  He didn’t say a word.  On his internal screen he envisioned that

black satin strap.  He knew he had seen it before.
                     

                His internal screen showed a vivid movie.  He was five or six and his

aunt Blanche was his baby sitter.  She was a beautiful blonde sixteen year old.  He

could remember being a rather withdrawn youngster.  He had never had much to

say, especially to adults.  He felt much better in the company of stuffed animals. 

He built a wall around himself and his animal friends. I made up a whole world and

didn’t let anyone in, he thought with some satisfaction.
         

              Blanche was different.  She sat quietly alongside him as he built his

world from big wooden blocks.  Occasionally she commented.  “Wow that’s some

tall tower.  I bet the animals can see all over when they climb it.”
         

          “Yeah, they can climb up and see if any strangers are coming.  They can

sound the alarm if an enemy gets too close.”
         
            Blanche got it.  She understood.  “You aren’t an enemy Aunt Blanche. 

You can come in my city.”
         
            “Can I?  That’s great.  I love stuffed animals.”
         
            Over a few weeks, Blanche sat closer and closer.  Once Jimmy told her,

“You smell nice, I like the way you smell.”
         
          “Why thank you Jimmy.  That is sweet of you to say.”
         
              While his mother was working, Blanche spent hours sitting with him. 

Gradually Jim could let her be in his world.  He was increasingly curious about her. 

On warm days she wore a loose fitting sweater and a short skirt.  He was very

aware of the black strap that showed occasionally over her shoulder. 

Jim moved closer and closer.  He was drawn to her silky smooth legs.  He

visualized how at times he would reach out and touch those legs, first on her knees

and then gradually sliding his hand up her inner thigh.  It was so smooth and pretty. 
         
          Sometimes he could tell that she liked his touching her. It made his whole

body throb with excitement.  Eventually, she would take his hand away and gently

but firmly say. “No Jimmy.  You can’t do that.”  She was never cross, always

inviting, but it was very confusing.  Sometimes he would cry.  “Why not?  It feels

good.”
         
        Blanche never tried to answer with words.  She just took him in her arms and

the world felt wonderful.
         
          Then one afternoon they were lying closely on the floor with the wall of

blocks around them to keep the outside world away.  Jimmy slid his hand way

under her skirt. 
         
          Suddenly the door swung open and his mother stood there.  Blanche and

Jimmy both froze.  His mother’s look at that moment, and the sound of her voice,

became etched in stone in his inner mind.    She had a monstrous look on her

face.  To Jim, it looked like she was about to attack and devour both of them.  The

only word she said was, ‘Blanche,’ but it was the way she said it.  It stuck in his

mind and in this moment he knew that he heard it every time he tried to be with a

girl.

              Blanche bolted upright and left the room.  She was never asked to baby-

sit again.  Instead Jimmy  was left with his grandmother.  She loved him very

much, but her way of showing it was to offer food constantly.  Blanche was gone

and he was all alone again.

              Suddenly Jim was startled from his inner movie.  “Whoa Jimmy.  Don’t

go away.  Talk to me.  What’s happening?  What’s going on? “Are you off

somewhere?”

                “Your black strap reminded me of something I did when I was a kid,

something I never talk about.”

              “Talk to me Jimmy.  Talk to me.  Please.”

              Jim’s lip began to quiver as he looked into Jenny’s eyes.  They sparkled. 

They were sparkling for him.  Yet they were very soft.  Jenny’s soft blue eyes were

gently caressing him.
               
              Jim’s quivering lips turned down at the corners and tears rolled down his

cheeks.  “I’m always a gentleman.  It doesn’t get me anything.  I lose all the time.  I

don’t want to lose you.  I want you in so many ways.”

              “Yes Jimmy.  I want you too.  I want you too in lots of ways.”
                   
              Jim just cried for a moment.  Then he looked quietly into Jenny’s eyes

again.  “Can I talk to you? Really tell you something?  Something that I’ve never

told anyone?  It really troubles me.  It makes me uncomfortable about how turned

on  I feel with you, about not being a gentleman.”
   
                “It’s about the black strap.  That strap reminds me of something that I

did a long time ago.  I had a baby sitter who wore a black strap just like yours.“

“So, when you tell me ‘no’ or ‘slow” it sets off an inner picture of my mother telling

me to be a gentleman.  It tightens me up.  When I see you, your gorgeous legs and

that black strap, that black satin strap, it sets off a flood of passion and also my

mother’s voice telling me to ‘be a gentleman, Jimmy, be a gentleman.”

“When you say ‘no,’ I get scared you don’t want me.  That we’ll never make love. 

I’m scared now that you are turned off by my telling you all this.”

              “No, it turns me on.  I feel so close to you.”
           
              “Jimmy, we are going to make love tonight.  I just want to slow you down

and enjoy what is happening between us.  I want to really enjoy this.  I am really

turned on by you.  There are things about you that just feel right to me.  I don’t

usually get so sexy the first time I’m with a guy.  I feel something for you that I

want.  You smell great and that really turns me on.  I want you and I want to know

you.”
              “ I never felt this before.  I love the way you smell.  Your scent really

gets me.  Your smell, your legs and now, don’t laugh at me.  Please promise not to

laugh. “

              “Of course Jimmy.  I won’t laugh.”
                   
              “That black satin strap  is really what set’s me off.  I look at it on your

soft smooth shoulder and it just turns everything on.  I want to just play with it.  I

want to snuggle up to it and put my mouth on it.  I want to just inhale your neck.  I

want to play with that strap and then take it off, just take it off and explore, devour

what I find.  There, I said it. I said it.  I never imagined I would say anything like

that.  Wow.  Do you think that I’m a pervert now?”
                  
                  “No, unless we both are, because the idea really gets me going.

Jimmy, we are going to make love tonight.  I just want to slow you

down and enjoy what is happening between us.  I want to really enjoy this.  I am

really turned on by you.  There are things about you that just feel right to me.  I

don’t usually get so sexy the first time I’m with a guy.  I feel something for you that

I want.  You smell great and that really turns me on.  I want you and I want to know

you.”
              Jim stopped talking and his breathing changed.  It became deeper and

louder.  Jenny felt Jim’s attention riveted on her and her black strap.  She melted.
               
                Jim reached out for that strap again, this time still with a sense of

command, but gently and lovingly. He pulled her close.  He reached behind her and

unhooked her bra.  He opened the buttons on her blouse one by one, opened it and

then slid those black straps down her shoulders and off.  He was slow and savored

every moment.  His mother’s voice was almost inaudible now.

                    “Now Jimmy.  Now let’s go lie down now.”
                   
                      He slid one hand around her shoulders and the other under her skirt.

He squeezed her bottom gently and then lifted her in his arms.
                 
                  Jim played Jenny’s words over in his head as he carried her off to bed. 

                  “Now Jimmy.  Now.”  He knew he would remember their sound for a long time.
              
              He lay her down on the bed and kissed her breasts, first one and then the

other.  Then back to the first again.  He nuzzled, he inhaled, he savored as Jenny

kept purring, “Yes, yes, yes Jimmy yes.”  Every smell, every taste and feel, every

sound, stirred boundless passion and arousal.  At the same time, Jim could also

feel quiet sense of a healing balm.
            
              He slid Jenny’s skirt up way above her knees and moved his hand up her

golden thighs.  Jenny undid her belt and together they pulled her skirt completely

off.  Jim stepped back.  He just wanted to see.  He wanted to see the wonder of

what he imagined under skirt.  Jenny lay there enjoying Jim’s excitement.  She

could feel the whole world opening up with her at the center of it. 
                        

                      She lay there only in her white cotton panties as Jim took her in. 

Instinctively, and with a bit of shyness, she turned over.  Jenny’s golden skin and

the curve of her bottom were etched in Jim’s mind's eye forever in those moments. 

                        She turned again on her back and Jim slipped off her panties.
                             
                      The next morning Jim awoke to find Jenny cuddled close.  He

reached over and touched her face.  She smiled and made a wonderful although

unintelligible sound.  He looked in her eyes and stoked the curve in her neck.  He

remembered the passion that curve and the black strap over it had set off.  He

leaned over and inhaled.

           

    “Wow.”  Then he moved down to the curve of Jenny’s hip and inhaled

her from there.  “Mmm.  Wow,” was the best he could do for words.  He came back

up and their darting tongues played together and he stroked her gently all over.


Jenny drew her face back a bit, so that she could look into Jim’s eyes.  “I’m yours,

all yours,” she whispered.  They made love for the second time.  Jim wanted to

say, “I love you,” but didn’t quite dare.

              On the way back to his dorm, Jim played Jenny’s words over and over in

his head, “I’m yours, all yours.”  Momentarily, his mother’s expression flashed on

his inner screen.  He could see that monstrous look on her face, the one that

always looked to Jim as if she were about to attack and devour him.
. 
              He quickly replaced his mother’s image with Jenny’s words, her words

and her soft blue caressing eyes.  For the moment, it was almost as simple as

changing channels on an inner TV.  Then he thought, maybe four years in this

school might not be so bad after all.

He raised both his arms in a grand gesture to the gods.  He felt as if he had just

become the first runner ever to break the four-minute mile.