Trying to Find Me

"Trying To Find Me"

I don't know who I am now. Or wait...maybe that's backwards. Maybe I do know now and I didn't before. It feels like I've been sleepwalking through life, following accepted patterns, doing what seemed "natural". Maybe I'm just now coming into my own sense of being. Maybe I've awakened from the sleepwalk. Maybe I realized that my happiness can't be measured by everyone else's. I've suppressed myself for so long, silencing the voice that is now screaming from inside of me. I've done good things, treated people well, raised good kids. Now where is the woman who hid behind marriage and motherhood and never let her needs be important. She has surely come to life now! She's jumping up and down and waving to me, saying "Here I am!". So now what? Disrupt all the patterns? Pitch a curveball to all who love me? Am I to expect them all to understand? If ever there was a crossroads, I've certainly arrived there. Decision time. The pressure is so great that I think my heart will explode. How do I keep from feeling selfish? Can I justify major life changes? The alternative is remaining silent, continuing to do as I'm expected, maintaining the sleepwalk. At what price? When did life become so hard? Do I carefully weigh everything out, or do I let my heart lead me? God help me, I don't know what to do...