The Decider's Press Conference

***Press Room of the White House filled with press. Big window behind podium see all of Washington. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED banners around.***


Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.


***Queue Hail to the Chief. Bush walks up***

Bush: My fellow Americans, today is our nations greatest day in the history of our greatestest days. ***bush chuckle*** Yesterday at 4:12 PM our coalition of the willing stamped out terrorism for good! ***audience gasp*** That’s right, no more terrorists. ***winks*** Before answering you questions, I’d like to take a moment to thank our great allies England and Australia. You guys are the best. I’d like to thank Kazakhstan for sending us that Borat fellah. He’s the best. And finally I’d like to thank the governments of Moldova, Azerbaijan (he pronounces as Azerbeejan), and Herzegovina for their combined 12 troops. Those three nations had the highest approval rating for the war of the entire team. A full 3%! Their aid to the coalition of the willing made our mission a success. Now I’ll be happy to take some questions.

***Raise hands***

Bush: Alright, ummm how about you, Barry White.

***Keenan gets up. Black reporter in suit.***

Barry: ***disgust*** Mr. President you say we’ve wiped out terrorism, but Kim Jong Il and Osama are still going strong. What do you mean?
Bush: Well that’s where you’re wrong. Kimmy and Osama may still be alive, but their networks are crippled. Alright now how about you sugartits?
Female Reporter: How were they crippled?
Bush: I’m glad you asked. We set a trap for our terrorist friends. Online was posted a link with all of our secret missile launch codes and access keys for our weapons depots here in Washington. When the link is accessed, the terrorists are hit with a powerful and destructive virus. Dynomite!
Reporter: Well that’s a surprisingly well thought out plan, sir. Can you describe the process?
Bush: Why not. NASA created the virus and encrypted  the info on the site and I had my brother Jeb set the password. When the terrorist clicks, he is asked for an answer to a security question. Jeb made sure it was so impossible that no one could get it right. You know let’s bring him out.

***Enter Jeb in cheetoes stained t-shirt and beer hat***

Jeb: When the wrong answer is given, the virus is activimivated. ***Swig of beer***
Reporter: What was the question?
Bush: I don’t know how he thought of it, but it’s a doosy. You ready? ***Point at Jeb***
Jeb: 2+2=?
Bush: Yeehaw that’s a good one.
Jeb: I know. High Five!

***High Five***
***Reporters all look at each other in horror***

Whole room: FOUR!!!!!!!!!!!
Jeb: Huh?!?!
Reporter: You idiot! The answer is four.
Bush: Who told you? Damn intelligence leaks.
Reporter: First graders know the answer to that! Were the codes you encrypted real?
Bush: of course.
Reporter: What?!?!
Bush: It’s like my old friend Dr. Phil always says.

***Dr. Phil in underwear stands up***

Dr Phil: If you don’t use live bait, you’ll never get gonorrhea and skin a gopher.
Reporter: what?!
Bush: ***wiping tear*** deep isn’t it?
Reporter: ***flabbergasted*** Are you telling me that our nation’s military access codes were protected be 2+2?
***Camera to Jeb doing cocaine.***
Jeb: What?! Oh yeah. That’s about it.
Dr. Phil:  Hey can I score some of that?

***Rumble***

Reporter: What the hell was that?

***See tanks moving up street***
***Hear “death to the infidels”***

Reporter: Mr. President, we’re under attack.
Bush: Nonsense. It’s just our staff celebrating on this happy day.

***Hear gunshots and explosions***
***see fires starting outside and see buildings collapsing***
***panic in the news room***

Reporters: Oh my god! We need to get out of here.
Bush: Where are you going? You just can’t accept that “the decider” did something right this time?

***Enter Kim with a flame thrower***

Kim: Evil laugh
Jeb: ooo pretty.
Bush: I love me some fireworks.

***Explosions everywhere***
***Enter Osama and Al Quedas***

Reporter: It’s Al Queda!
Bush: Don’t be such a racist. It’s just a group of celebrators from the white house diversity committee. How’s it going Achmed?
Osama: Look even at the moment of our victory he is still a fool! Allah has been too kind.
Kim: ***evil asian laugh*** Now let’s blow this bitch up!

***they leave***

Bush: Hey where are they going?  O well, their loss. Anyone want some champagne?

***reaches for some Crystal***
***independence day clip of white house being destroyed***

Announcer: This has been a message from the United Negro College Fund. A mind is a terrible thing to waste.